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My Sikh Son Is In Pre Marital Relationship

namritanevaeh

Writer
SPNer
Oct 14, 2012
220
302
Surrey, Canada
Sorry to be blunt, but this has nothing to do with God and Sikhism, this is more to do with your standing in the community and the family name which your son is now dragging through the mud, that is why you cry, and that is why you are so desolate. Even if God came to you in person tonight and said, 'don't worry, he is going to be ok', it would not make any difference, because unless God is going to visit everyone in your community, no one else will know,

The more you push, the more you will push him away, why? the guilt, its big in Sikh families, the guilt, the wailing, the crying, and after a while, you cannot deal with the guilt anymore, so you jump ship, and its nice and its peaceful, if your sons only experiences of you is the traditional Sikh mum, he is probably quite fed up with the guilt tripping.

Allow me to tell you a story, its about two brothers, a few years apart, both turban wearing Sikhs, the elder decided to go native, just like your son, and he drank and gambled and loved women, however, his brother did not, the elder cut his hair, his brother did not, the elder ended up in prison, his brother got a good job and a house and a mortgage, the elder ended up deep in debt, in trouble, his brother got married to a nice Sikh girl from a good family, so far so good, years later, when the parents became old and ill, it was the elder that moved home, it was the elder that wiped their {censored}s, it was the elder that stayed with them to the end, and his brother? Mr perfect? with his turban and perfect wife? no, he was too wrapped up in the maya of the community, he learned what his parents had taught him, that what people see is everything, and that substance does not matter, his relationship with his parents was lip service, just enough that people thought he was a good son, but the elder, did not know about such things, all he knew about was living, and about love, what people think never mattered, that elder was with his parents to the end, out of love, not duty or social responsibility

be very very careful what you wish for, if you could rid yourself of the social bullshit that you are mired in, it may help,
Excellent story thank you!!
 

Inderjeet Kaur

Writer
SPNer
Oct 13, 2011
869
1,763
Seattle, Washington, USA
I have two thoughts.

1. Your son is 27 years old. He is a grown man. I know that it is Punjabi tradition to consider our children to be children until they are married, and to control their lives even after marriage, but that is only tradition, not law. Maybe it should be re-examined and modified.

2. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think I detect a bit of racial prejudice. It's Gora this and Gora that. There are, it is true, that there are many faults in Gora society, but there are also positives and, in any case, your son - and no one else - is responsible for his own actions.

You might get the idea that I don't take social standing in the community seriously and you would be right. I believe in freedom, something I would never have if I permitted myself to be ruled by the opinions of society, Sikh (really Punjabi) or Gora. We only have Sikhi because nine brave men and a very brave boy had the courage to stand up against what they saw as evil in their own culture. I better stop here; if I go on, I may say something I'll be sorry for tomorrow.

But, after all, I am only a fool. What do I know?
 

Tejwant Singh

Mentor
Writer
SPNer
Jun 30, 2004
5,028
7,182
Henderson, NV.
My son is 27. His behavior was suspicious for past few years.
What kind of suspicious behaviour?

He has mostly gora friends. For past two years his gora friends are in relationship with girls. Their relationship have been breaking and they finding new girls.
I have had Gora err mostly Gori friends since I was at school in Ferozepore, India. In fact, I have always had many more female friends than male ones. Yes, we had some Gora families living in our hometown who went to the same school.
Would you want him to be monogamous with his gori gf?

My son was reluntant to come home and wanting to stay nights out. We were suspicious and asked him and he usual response was he does not have girl friend.
When I was a teenager- about 17, and living in the UK with my brother and sister in law, I used to tell them the night I was not coming home and used to leave them the telephone number where I was, just in case.

We were suspicious and asked him and he usual response was he does not have girl friend. This week he told us that he is going to give us a shock and informed us he has girl friend for past one and half year. He wants to move out to girl's house. He says he wants freedom. We have never imposed any religious restrictions on him.
Your post made me smile and frown at the same time when you said, "We were suspicious."
Suspicious about what?
About him being 27?
About him having physical and sentimental desires?
So what if he had a girlfriend gori/desi/mixed/fish n chips......?
Well, if he wants to move out with her, and if I were you, I would rent a flat for him and ask him to tell his gf to move in with him. In case they break up, he does not have to come knocking at your door. You would be truly helping him like this.
There is nothing wrong with having girlfriends.

He was lying to us whenever he stayed out at nights and lied to the girl when he came home.
Why do you blame him lying to you? Do you think partly you and your hubby are responsible for his lies?

His girl friend encouraged him to inform us about his relationship.
Kudos to her.

Me and my husband have prominant position in sikh comunity and people say you have given very good values to your son.
Oh... OK, I get it now. It is all about your status in da hood. In other words, you are more worried about other people's feelings towards you rather than your son's welfare and happiness.
What a self-centred way of living, especially as a Sikh family I must say!
In the end, it all boils down to the so-called 'bezti-dishonour' in da hood. It has nothing to do with your son as a matter of fact

My son says you should know how to deal with this shock and how to face your community now. I do not care about you. I will care about myself only.
And I happen to agree with him.

it is more than nine years and he has not finished his degree (4 year degree). He was more active in socializing with gora community and working for them for free. He had put his career on stake for them. We have been trying to make him understand. For past none years he was falsely promising to us and breaking promises. When we asked about his uni results he after much questioning by his dad he responded he either failed or did not submit assignments. Same response came this week about his results.
Who do you blame for that or rather why do you blame him for that?
I am sorry to say but you sound a bit racist to me by talking about Goras in this derogatory manner whilst being part of the Gora country. It seems a bit weird, to put it mildly. There is nothing wrong with having Gora friends. My desi friends still owe me thousands of pounds that I lent them more than 40 years ago.

He does not have a reliable source of income. We are catering his financial needs.
Who would you blame for that too? But putting blames aside, is there any way he can work with any of your prominent friends to make ends meet?
I am sure both of you as his parents can arrange that which will help you and more importantly him.

Girl,s english mother is divorced from indian father.
So, she is half gori and her gori side told your son to let his parents know about their relationship which was commendable on her part.
As far as a divorce is concerned, it seems you are blaming her English mum not her Desi dad.
Why is that?
Why did they divorce?
Was the mum the victim of domestic abuse by her desi hubby?
Lastly, what do you find wrong with divorce if either or both are abusive and do not get along?

We tried to make our son understand that premarital physical relationship are not in Sikh values and religion but he wants evidence of it. We have not seen his girl friend. She is from Buddhism.
First of all, "premarital physical relationship" is a misnomer if the couple is only dating and active sexually but do not plan to marry. Secondly, so what if she is a Buddhist?

He does not understand. We are lost now..What shall we do? Please help us we are going through crisis and no one from out families to support us. My husband and I both are crying. please help...
Now I am more confused than ever. As you are quite prominent in your social circle, then why wouldn't your prominent friends/relatives ready to lend you a hand?
There is no crisis here that you are talking about and I am sorry to know that both of you are crying which would not help either.
Is it more of a desperation on your part because you see your desires of having a Desi daughter in law to show to your prominent friends being shattered by your (only) son or do you have other kids?
In other words, it is not about anyone's happiness but it is all about the prominence of the circle you are part of.
I hope I am wrong for the latter but there is no crisis. Happiness is not a cul de sac but a roundabout.

We are all here for you as listeners. We cannot do much. This matter is between you, your hubby, your son and the woman he loves. You two, the heads of this family can either act as a bond/glue or as a paint stripper. The choice is yours and your hubby's. I hope you make a wise one.
Good luck!

Tejwant Singh




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