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My Sikh Son Is In Pre Marital Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by satnamkor, Nov 28, 2017.

  1. satnamkor

    satnamkor
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    Hi
    Sat Sri Akal.
    My son is 27. His behavior was suspicious for past few years.
    He has mostly gora friends. For past two years his gora friends are in relationship with girls. Their relationship have been breaking and they finding new girls.

    My son was reluntant to come home and wanting to stay nights out. We were suspicious and asked him and he usual response was he does not have girl friend. This week he told us that he is going to give us a shock and informed us he has girl friend for past one and half year. He wants to move out to girl's house. He says he wants freedom. We have never imposed any religious restrictions on him.
    He was lying to us whenever he stayed out at nights and lied to the girl when he came home.
    His girl friend encouraged him to inform us about his relationship.
    Me and my husband have prominant position in sikh comunity and people say you have given very good values to your son.
    My son says you should know how to deal with this shock and how to face your community now. I do not care about you. I will care about myself only.
    it is more than nine years and he has not finished his degree (4 year degree). He was more active in socializing with gora community and working for them for free. He had put his career on stake for them. We have been trying to make him understand. For past none years he was falsely promising to us and breaking promises. When we asked about his uni results he after much questioning by his dad he responded he either failed or did not submit assignments. Same response came this week about his results.
    He does not have a reliable source of income. We are catering his financial needs.
    Girl,s english mother is divorced from indian father.
    We tried to make our son understand that premarital physical relationship are not in Sikh values and religion but he wants evidence of it. We have not seen his girl friend. She is from Buddhism.
    He does not understand. We are lost now..What shall we do? Please help us we are going through crisis and no one from out families to support us. My husband and I both are crying. please help....
     
    #1 satnamkor, Nov 28, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2017
  2. SatnamSingh25

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    You are in a difficult situation however there is always a way out and you must keep faith in waheguru. One way you could go about this is to cut off fincancial support to him to actually show him how much he needs you (or you couls care him at least that you would cut your financial support to him).
     
  3. satnamkor

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    VeerJi thank you.
    We discussed with him about him financial responsibilities he has. Says he will look for job and he neither wants to leave his Gfrind nor us. He wants freedom. He wants to stay from home.still lying to us. It has become very hard for me to press my feelings about his safety and future. He can slip into cutting his hair, taking drink and may be drugs as it is part of the culture he is mostly living in now by staying away from home. The more I think the more I get worried..
     
  4. SatnamSingh25

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    I think you really need to show him how unhappy you are with him, you can do this by taking direct action but i think you cant keep letting him lie to you and not listen to you but still still live in the same house with you.
     
  5. satnamkor

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    He knows how unhappy his mother and father is. He does not see physical relationship before marriage any wrong. Hid one Sikh friend advised him that what he has done is right and your parents reaction is expected. He at moment does not want to leave us and nor hid BFriend. He wants to move out from our house and live independently in his G friend's flat. It is very very hard to see my son with non Sikh girl who does not share our cultural and Sikhi values. It appears I have lost my son for ever to this woman's lust. Should I tell him that break relations with us forever and donot visit to us in future? If I take this step he will not never return to us and all paths to bring him back will be closed. I am going through enormous amount of struggle. He hates our community people and will not listen to any one except his English friends and his GF.
     
  6. SatnamSingh25

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    i dont think closing him off completely is the way to go forward. I think if or when something bad happens to him he will turn to god and religion and come back to you but for now he is only listening to his gfriend. for him to come back something bad (suffering) will have to happen so that he remembers waheguru again. But do not cut him off completely, i know its hard for you but you have to keep him in your life.
     
  7. Original

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    Satnam Kaur Ji

    Don't worry ! This is how God works to bring those He loves close to Him, meaning you and your husband. It's not your son who needs help, it's you and your husband who needs help. You need to look out of the traditional box and into the modern box to understand cross-cultural adaptions. Your son, for better or worse is going through "evolutionary experimentation" the result of which will be good because God is involved. If you truly believe to be a Sikh couple then you shouldn't worry. Look here:
    ॥ ਤੁਧੁ ਬਿਨੁ ਦੂਜਾ ਨਾਹੀ ਕੋਇ ॥ ਤੂ ਕਰਤਾਰੁ ਕਰਹਿ ਸੋ ਹੋਇ ॥ ਤੇਰਾ ਜੋਰੁ ਤੇਰੀ ਮਨਿ ਟੇਕ ॥ ਸਦਾ ਸਦਾ ਜਪਿ ਨਾਨਕ ਏਕ ॥੧॥
    ਸਭ ਊਪਰਿ ਪਾਰਬ੍ਰਹਮੁ ਦਾਤਾਰੁ ॥ ਤੇਰੀ ਟੇਕ ਤੇਰਾ ਆਧਾਰੁ ॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥ ਹੈ ਤੂਹੈ ਤੂ ਹੋਵਨਹਾਰ ॥ ਅਗਮ ਅਗਾਧਿ ਊਚ ਆਪਾਰ ॥ ਜੋ ਤੁਧੁ ਸੇਵਹਿ ਤਿਨ ਭਉ ਦੁਖੁ ਨਾਹਿ ॥ ਗੁਰ ਪਰਸਾਦਿ ਨਾਨਕ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਹਿ ॥੨॥ ਜੋ ਦੀਸੈ ਸੋ ਤੇਰਾ ਰੂਪੁ ॥ ਗੁਣ ਨਿਧਾਨ ਗੋਵਿੰਦ ਅਨੂਪ ॥ ਸਿਮਰਿ ਸਿਮਰਿ ਸਿਮਰਿ ਜਨ ਸੋਇ ॥ ਨਾਨਕ ਕਰਮਿ ਪਰਾਪਤਿ ਹੋਇ ॥੩॥ ਜਿਨਿ ਜਪਿਆ ਤਿਸ ਕਉ ਬਲਿਹਾਰ ॥ ਤਿਸ ਕੈ ਸੰਗਿ ਤਰੈ ਸੰਸਾਰ ॥ ਕਹੁ ਨਾਨਕ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਲੋਚਾ ਪੂਰਿ ॥ ਸੰਤ ਜਨਾ ਕੀ ਬਾਛਉ ਧੂਰਿ ॥੪॥੨॥ SGGSJ, 723/24

    Translation [bold]: hey God, you alone is the doer of all and you alone is the preserver of all, I Nanak meditate on thy name for ever.

    This is a golden opportunity for you and your husband to embrace spiritual Sikhi and move closer to God. Your son will be more refined and matured as a result of his experiences.

    As regards social standing, it's far from truth. It's fake. True social standing is the understanding of culture, environment and people. Nanak says, "he who walks on the path of truth is rewarded by social society" [SGGSJ, 136]. And the truth is Satnam, your son is culturally at variance. You must sit tight lip and accommodate him as a son. Help him by allowing him to learn from all he is going through. That is the true role of a parent.

    Have faith in Waheguru if you are a Sikh.

    Goodbye
     
  8. Balbir27

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    My Dear Sister “Satnamkor”

    God works in mysterious ways which are beyond human comprehension. Help and/or advice for you and your son may arrive in different ways and sometimes we are unable to recognise even this. Even the fact that your son is going through a difficult time, may be his own help.

    Take heart that God never forsakes us. He has different lessons and roles for us to play on this stage, called the World. Some of us have high positions, some have low positions. Some of us suffer great pain and some of us pass our lives in merriment.

    ਹੁਕਮੀਉਤਮੁਨੀਚੁਹੁਕਮਿਲਿਖਿਦੁਖਸੁਖਪਾਈਅਹਿ
    Hukmī uṯam nīcẖ hukam likẖ ḏukẖ sukẖ pā▫ī▫ah.
    By His Command, some are high and some are low; by His Written Command, pain and pleasure are obtained.


    ਇਕਨਾਹੁਕਮੀਬਖਸੀਸਇਕਿਹੁਕਮੀਸਦਾਭਵਾਈਅਹਿ॥
    Iknā hukmī bakẖsīs ik hukmī saḏā bẖavā▫ī▫ah.
    Some, by His Command, are blessed and forgiven; others, by His Command, wander aimlessly forever.


    ਹੁਕਮੈਅੰਦਰਿਸਭੁਕੋਬਾਹਰਿਹੁਕਮਨਕੋਇ
    Hukmai anḏar sabẖ ko bāhar hukam na ko▫e.
    Everyone is subject to His Command; no one is beyond His Command.



    And, what your son is experiencing is still within God’s Command -

    ਜਿਵਫੁਰਮਾਏਤਿਵਤਿਵਪਾਹਿ
    Jiv furmā▫e ṯiv ṯiv pāhi.
    As He ordains, so do we receive.



    Your womb was chosen for the soul of your son to be born into this world -

    ਹੁਕਮੀਹੋਵਨਿਆਕਾਰਹੁਕਮੁਨਕਹਿਆਜਾਈ
    Hukmī hovan ākār hukam na kahi▫ā jā▫ī.
    By His Command, bodies are created; His Command cannot be described.


    ਹੁਕਮੀਹੋਵਨਿਜੀਅਹੁਕਮਿਮਿਲੈਵਡਿਆਈ॥
    Hukmī hovan jī▫a hukam milai vadi▫ā▫ī.
    By His Command, souls come into being; by His Command, glory and greatness are obtained.



    Your son’s present position appears to have been decided by God –

    ਕਰਮੀਆਵੈਕਪੜਾਨਦਰੀਮੋਖੁਦੁਆਰੁ
    Karmī āvai kapṛā naḏrī mokẖ ḏu▫ār.
    By the karma of past actions, the robe of this physical body is obtained. By His Grace, the Gate of Liberation is found.



    Will you not help your son find his way to his liberation, regardless if in this, or, another life?

    Remember that you have the faith in God, you have the insight, you can see right from wrong. So you carry a God-given responsibility towards your son –

    ਮੰਨੈਪਰਵਾਰੈਸਾਧਾਰੁ
    Mannai parvārai sāḏẖār.
    The faithful uplift and redeem their family and relations.



    You and your husband carry the mantle of responsibility for the care of your son, regardless of age. You and your husband are his rock. To a “lost” soul, there is nothing greater than the knowledge that it has a home to come back to, that there are people who love it, that there are people who care about it and despite what “crimes or sins” it may commit, that rock is always there. True, God is our true rock. But humans are weak in many ways and seek something they can see, touch, and smell etc. because the concept of God is beyond them. So a weak soul needs a human rock.


    Even if you decide not to provide any support to your son, God will provide –

    ਦੇਦਾਦੇਲੈਦੇਥਕਿਪਾਹਿ
    Ḏeḏā ḏe laiḏe thak pāhi.
    The Great Giver keeps on giving, while those who receive grow weary of receiving.



    In the end you, your husband and your son, will reap the benefits of your own decisions –

    ਆਪੇਬੀਜਿਆਪੇਹੀਖਾਹੁ
    Āpe bīj āpe hī kẖāhu.
    You shall harvest what you plant.


    ਨਾਨਕਹੁਕਮੀਆਵਹੁਜਾਹੁ॥੨੦॥
    Nānak hukmī āvhu jāhu. ||20||
    O Nanak, by the Hukam of God's Command, we come and go in reincarnation. ||20||




    The message, from God, to you and your family (and for all of us) is loud and clear. In the end we all are responsible for our own actions (free will), within the “walls” of God’s Commands.

    Note: The extracts quoted are from Guru Nanak’s own thoughts as enshrined in the Jap Ji Sahib. I have not given any page numbers because I believe the search itself is a form of learning. There are no short cuts.

    As always, a servant, open to any and all corrections.

    Sat Sri Akal
     
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  9. Harry Haller

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    err I don't think he is going through a difficult time, I think he is having the time of his life..
     
  10. Balbir27

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    I think it is simply a matter of perspective, don't you?
     
  11. Harry Haller

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    absolutely, at his age its the time of his life, we were all young once, perspective changes on ones experiences, its how we learn
     
  12. Balbir27

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    Ek Oankar

    @satnamkor
    It's been about 4 days since your last message. Numerous people have tried to give you some advice but you have been silent.
    Regardless if presented or not, so far, there are some questions that you need to answer, and some answers that you need to question.
    Kindly re-engage, otherwise this thread is simply a dead end and serves no purpose.

    Sat Sri Akal.
     
  13. satnamkor

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    WaheGuru Ji ki fateh
    The reason I am not responding is that I am struggling from my inner every day. More worried and feeling low day by day. I do not feel like taking to anyone. Yes I know young people like to have their own time at any cost. He has failed again and seems not worried. It appears I do not exist his life. I pray to waheguru Ji. I see no solution like llfe has stopped. I do not know what will be the final destination. Will he come back as a gursikh. Thanks for your kind support.
     
  14. Harry Haller

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    Sorry to be blunt, but this has nothing to do with God and Sikhism, this is more to do with your standing in the community and the family name which your son is now dragging through the mud, that is why you cry, and that is why you are so desolate. Even if God came to you in person tonight and said, 'don't worry, he is going to be ok', it would not make any difference, because unless God is going to visit everyone in your community, no one else will know,

    The more you push, the more you will push him away, why? the guilt, its big in Sikh families, the guilt, the wailing, the crying, and after a while, you cannot deal with the guilt anymore, so you jump ship, and its nice and its peaceful, if your sons only experiences of you is the traditional Sikh mum, he is probably quite fed up with the guilt tripping.

    Allow me to tell you a story, its about two brothers, a few years apart, both turban wearing Sikhs, the elder decided to go native, just like your son, and he drank and gambled and loved women, however, his brother did not, the elder cut his hair, his brother did not, the elder ended up in prison, his brother got a good job and a house and a mortgage, the elder ended up deep in debt, in trouble, his brother got married to a nice Sikh girl from a good family, so far so good, years later, when the parents became old and ill, it was the elder that moved home, it was the elder that wiped their arses, it was the elder that stayed with them to the end, and his brother? Mr perfect? with his turban and perfect wife? no, he was too wrapped up in the maya of the community, he learned what his parents had taught him, that what people see is everything, and that substance does not matter, his relationship with his parents was lip service, just enough that people thought he was a good son, but the elder, did not know about such things, all he knew about was living, and about love, what people think never mattered, that elder was with his parents to the end, out of love, not duty or social responsibility

    be very very careful what you wish for, if you could rid yourself of the social bullshit that you are mired in, it may help,
     
  15. Harry Haller

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    can you define high and low positions please, its just that I feel my own position is quite low, although I never thought of it like that before, but if I could have it confirmed, that would be great
     
  16. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller
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    is this honestly all that matters?
     
  17. satnamkor

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    I understand what you are trying to say.
    We do not have such expectations that son will look after his old parents. If he can not look after himself how can he look after others. Your own family disowns you and your neighbors/community come forward to give you shelter (there are many examples).

    It is not about your enjoyment only. You must make sure that your actions do not affect or hurt others.
    Do you need a paid job or own a business to have secure future (secure future?).

    I do not come from traditional family. I not against love marriage. We did not impose restrictions to our son. I do not favour deception/deceptive behavior nor dishonesty. Even We had asked him many times regarding his relationship. he always denied. If a person tells lie, is dishonest, and betrays to people close to him. I do not think you can trust them. Things matter if you understand others' pain and sufferings.

    May be you can get the definition of a gursikh from Sri Guru Granth Sahib or do research.
    Also I am not here to convince if readers or I am right or wrong. I have faced the problem and only a mother or father can understand how I am feeling and worried. And many well knowledgeable personalities have given me their kind support.

    To find a true love is it must that you have physical relationship first. What if you can not find true love?

    For the question : "high and low positions" my reference was good role model. But if you want to know more, in my opinion it can be taken as a new topic of discussion. People have different perspective.

    As I have firm believe in my Waheguru Ji. I know whatever is happening is under HIS command.

    Yes he is having the time of his life or enjoying it to the fullest (How??)
    Please do not take me wrong and it is not my intention to hurt any one.
    Thanks for every one. This chapter can be closed now
     
  18. Harry Haller

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    if that is what you believe, then with the greatest respect, stop blaming your son and accept it.
     
  19. Balbir27

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    Harry, I am still trying to figure that one out. The statement was simply a reflection of the line in the SGGS where it says
    It was quoted to give some solace, and the intended meaning is when read in the whole Stanza, as given.

    I, too, have seen this in my life, just change the things around a bit, but the point of your narrative remains the same.

    Satnamkor Bahenji, you reassure me very much. Thank you.

    Sat Sri Akal
     
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