Help! Im A White British Guy With A Sikh Girlfriend

[phil606]

Okay so first of all i want to say i hope i don't offend anyone with this post, that's not why i'm here.

My story:
Im a 20 year old white british guy, my girlfriend is a 17 year old sikh.
We have been going out for over a year now and her familiy do not know i exist, I am madly in love with her and her with me. Im willing to spend the rest of my life with this girl. We both agree we are perfect for each other. The only problem is, she's worried of what her family will do if she tells them.
My family love her, they have offered for her to live with us if anything really bad does happen. Her family have found her a match and she should be getting engaged in the next few month. She is going to go along with it because she is so worried that her parents will hate her.

So, My question to you is:
I know there is no easy way for her to tell her family. Please, I am willing to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her, could somebody tell me the best way she could inform her parents so that they understand she is happy with me and so they may accept her being happy with someone who isnt sikh.

This is killing me inside and I will be absolutely devostated to the point of going numb if I can't be with her.

So please, somebody help me :'(

Thankyou in advance

Phil

 

[Harry Haller]

It depends on a lot, first some questions,

1. Is her family deeply religious
2. Is her family prominent in the community
3. Are any other members of the family dating or married to non sikhs
4. The fact that She would go along with an engagement for fear of parents implies you may be more serious than her, is this the case
5. Would you be willing to consider Sikhism and embrace it, not to marry, but as a way of life regardless
6 Do you have good prospects career wise

I sympathise with your predicament, but the two of you could cause some quite serious problem for each other and her family. If the two of you are in love and are willing to fight for that, its possible it could have a happy ending, but relationships are hard at the best of times without this sort of pressure, if you could give an indication to the above, we could move on to a realistic and pragmatic solution

good luck

 

[WWW]

Hi Phil,
I am a gora married to a punjabi girl, and I am going to give you some advice based on my experience. It may seem harsh, but its good advice. I try to give it when I hear guys like you, because I remember the feeling.

1. Be a man. Tell her either you are introduced to her family or the relationship is over. She will either respect you for it, break up with you, or you will find out how the family feels and either have to end it / can move forward. In any case this creeping around behind the family's back is not going to earn you respect. If her dad says no, you need to respect his right over her and end it.
2. Strongly consider ending it. Interfaith/cultural marriage is difficult, and I advise against it. It worked for me, but it was a long hard road and you still have to deal with BS. Also, think of the children... what religion will they be? How will they culturally identify? Mixed kids can have a hard life, this is something that I worry about constantly with my daughter.
3. You will never be fully accepted into the punjabi community. You just wont. Make sure you are ok with this. You should go ahead and start lifting some weights, because you WILL face the occasional alpha male punjabi man who is gonna want to kick your *** for marrying a punjabi girl. Some people will always resent you for it.
4. At the end of the day you should focus on yourself and your career. I am about a year away from being a doctor, and I can tell you that indians are absolutely obsessed with doctors. My daughter is marrying a gora sounds bad to parents, my daughter is marrying a gora doctor sounds much much better. Its all about respect and how the family is percieved in the community.
5. Their are very few resources for learning Punjabi (the language is even dying in punjab) so it can be difficult to talk to her family.
Now the good stuff.
1. Once you are accepted by the family, they are amazing. Extremely loyal, protective of you, and always can be relied on. Family is very important to punjabis, and once you are in it is a beautiful thing. I had a very hard time earning the respect of my father in law, but now that I have it I love the man like my own father and he treats me like a son. Hard earned, hard lost.
2. Indian weddings are fun as hell.
3. This is the biggest point. Even if you leave this girl, I strongly suggest you learn about the sikh religion. It has perhaps been the greatest gift that I have received from my wife. I think it is the greatest gift punjabis have to bring to the world. I am not saying you need to take amrit and get up at 3:00 am ( i dont ) but the more you learn from the Gurus the more you will love them and the more they will help you lead a good satisfying life. You just have to sift through the BS... the religion is being engulfed by hindu influence and the pure, practical religion that the Gurus taught is sometimes hard to find underneath all the cultural/superstitious baggage.

I hope that helped!
-W

 

[phil606]

Harry, as for your first 2 questions, I really don't know. The only thing i know about them is that she believes they will hate her if they found out we were dating. She's never really discussed family with me.
I know there were some complications with her sister dating a non sikh in the past but they were 'put straight' and she is now married to a sikh.
I do think there is a possibility of me being more serious than her but to embrace sikhism as a way of life, I do not think would be possible as I am in no way religious myself.
I know where I want to be career wise.

WWW thanks for the advise, helped me realise a few things.

If anyone has anymore suggestions/ questions please feel free to let me know.

Thanks guys

 

[Ambarsaria]

Hi Phil,
I am a gora married to a punjabi girl, and I am going to give you some advice based on my experience. It may seem harsh, but its good advice. I try to give it when I hear guys like you, because I remember the feeling.

1. Be a man. Tell her either you are introduced to her family or the relationship is over. She will either respect you for it, break up with you, or you will find out how the family feels and either have to end it / can move forward. In any case this creeping around behind the family's back is not going to earn you respect. If her dad says no, you need to respect his right over her and end it.
2. Strongly consider ending it. Interfaith/cultural marriage is difficult, and I advise against it. It worked for me, but it was a long hard road and you still have to deal with BS. Also, think of the children... what religion will they be? How will they culturally identify? Mixed kids can have a hard life, this is something that I worry about constantly with my daughter.
3. You will never be fully accepted into the punjabi community. You just wont. Make sure you are ok with this. You should go ahead and start lifting some weights, because you WILL face the occasional alpha male punjabi man who is gonna want to kick your *** for marrying a punjabi girl. Some people will always resent you for it.
4. At the end of the day you should focus on yourself and your career. I am about a year away from being a doctor, and I can tell you that indians are absolutely obsessed with doctors. My daughter is marrying a gora sounds bad to parents, my daughter is marrying a gora doctor sounds much much better. Its all about respect and how the family is percieved in the community.
5. Their are very few resources for learning Punjabi (the language is even dying in punjab) so it can be difficult to talk to her family.
Now the good stuff.
1. Once you are accepted by the family, they are amazing. Extremely loyal, protective of you, and always can be relied on. Family is very important to punjabis, and once you are in it is a beautiful thing. I had a very hard time earning the respect of my father in law, but now that I have it I love the man like my own father and he treats me like a son. Hard earned, hard lost.
2. Indian weddings are fun as hell.
3. This is the biggest point. Even if you leave this girl, I strongly suggest you learn about the sikh religion. It has perhaps been the greatest gift that I have received from my wife. I think it is the greatest gift punjabis have to bring to the world. I am not saying you need to take amrit and get up at 3:00 am ( i dont ) but the more you learn from the Gurus the more you will love them and the more they will help you lead a good satisfying life. You just have to sift through the BS... the religion is being engulfed by hindu influence and the pure, practical religion that the Gurus taught is sometimes hard to find underneath all the cultural/superstitious baggage.

I hope that helped!
-W

Brother www so well stated, true and practical. Behind the back of parents is just delaying the addressing of a problem. Punjabi parents like most parents wish for an intelligent, respectful, educated and well to do man for their daughters. I can not even add an iota as a Sikh and Punjabi.

In today's society is it always possible for all Sikh girls to achieve most of such in relationship with ample supply of such Sikh grooms, it is hardly so. So interfaith marriages will become more likely and I wish always for happiness of the couple, family and respective in-laws.

Your comments on Sikhism are spot on too.

Have a wonderful 2012.

Sat Sri Akal.

 

[Driops]

Why don´t she talked with you about her family. If you both are in such a big love, you would have discussed each topic. Do you really know her? Anyways, is she religious? To be Born into a punjabi family doesn´t makes her a Sikh. A Sikh is someone who has chosen the way of life as a Sikh by hisself. If she isn´t a devout Sikh, then it is a cultural problem. And I think it will be harder, cause this Macho- "Jatt Syndrom". What keeps you thinking that you will stay by her your lifelong. Whats stopping you to start loving another Person? There isn´t only the Religious Aspect... And how do you want your kids grow up? Parents have a big influence on their kids. Why it is so difficult for you to embrace Sikhi? Why don´t you give it a try?
Good luck

 

[phil606]

Okay so now basically she has told her father whiles talking about her arranged marriage.
Shes told me he was really upset but gave her a choice to come live with me but if anything goes wrong she cant go back to them, or go forward with the arranged marriage. Would her family really neglect her forever for doing this? Alwo her dad said he wants me to go round and talk, how should I respond to this?

Thanks in advance
Phil

 

[phil606]

Please can somebody help me. Would it be better if i went to a Gurdwara and talked to someone there?

 

[Harry Haller]

Sorry philji, I was waiting to see what the outcome of the conversation with dad was, has it taken place yet?

 

[phil606]

No, Iv spoken to her mum. Her mum rang my mum and they had a conversation for over an hour. She agree's this isnt a religion thing, but a family problem. Her parents wont let her leave.

 

[Harry Haller]

Phil mate ji,

I did write a post, but it seems to have gone astray, basically I said that you should read www's post as that contained excellent first hand advice,

However as we have ascertained it is not a religious thing, but a cultural thing, my advice would be to cut your strings and put it down to life experience.,

The fact is you have said you are more serious than her, but unfortunately it is her that will have most of the loss, and how can two young people be happy together when one is losing her family, it makes it all very very hard, and although you have my utmost sympathy, I see only heartbreak and sorrow if you both decide to follow this path, The only last resort I would say you have is to ask your beloved what she wants to do, given the losses she will have to shoulder, and leave it to her decision, if she wants to fight, I wish you both the best of luck, if she intimates she would rather stick with her family, then you my friend have to take that as a man and move on without emotional blackmail or making things difficult, its hard, I know, but to lose an entire family is a big thing, regardless as to whether it is justified or not.

Best of luck

 

[phil606]

Thanks, i'll be leaving this one up to her

 

[Kamala]

Even if you become SIkh or whatever you still wouldn't be accepted by their family, it's the truth sorry. Now this is why I don't approve of dating without letting your parents know especially if they are traditional asians.

There are more fish in the sea, don't worry, and stay in your limits. Also I have no idea why anyone would post this on a religous site xD

 

[phil606]

Well to be fair they are living in england... They should be able to accept some of our culture or there would be no point in being here. Arranged marriaged will more than likely be illegal here in the next few years anyways. I havent heard from her in over 2 weeks, who knows what her parents might have done to her. I just hope she's okay, I dont know what to do.

 

[Kamala]

You don't understand, indian culture is way different from western and they may be really angry and may honor kill her if you don't leave her alone or if she blurts it out. So if you love her, it'd be best to leave her alone, since she isn't making an effort to stop the engagment.

 

[Ambarsaria]

Well to be fair they are living in england... They should be able to accept some of our culture or there would be no point in being here. Arranged marriaged will more than likely be illegal here in the next few years anyways. I havent heard from her in over 2 weeks, who knows what her parents might have done to her. I just hope she's okay, I dont know what to do.

phil06 thanks for the update.

Do what you have done over the last two weeks and move on!

Take care.

 

[Harry Haller]

Well to be fair they are living in england... They should be able to accept some of our culture or there would be no point in being here. Arranged marriaged will more than likely be illegal here in the next few years anyways. I havent heard from her in over 2 weeks, who knows what her parents might have done to her. I just hope she's okay, I dont know what to do.

Philji,

I am sorry you have had to read and respond to a post containing such views, I am sure her parents have not killed her....

You are now learning and growing and I hope you recognise the value of being a bigger and better person. I know its hard, I know what love feels like, but true love is seeing love without rose coloured spectacles, I am proud of you brother, You did and continue to do the right thing.

I hope you find love again, ignore the rantings above about staying within limits, I would be fine with you dating my daughter, you seem like a fine fellow. However, next time, if you find yourself in a similar situation insist on not being kept in the background from day one, there are plenty of families that have no problem with dating or mixed marriages, you just happened to find one that did.

 

[HGNIS]

You are 20 and 17, why is marriage even being discussed from either you or her? Honestly, it seems like both of you have growing up to do before you make that decision to live together or marry. A 17 year old girl is still finding out who she is, give it time and grow before you make a move like this. Because I promise you she will be a very different person by the time she is 21 and out of college. And I also promise her family will be more receptive to something like this if she is older.

 

[dalsingh1zero1]

For God's sake she isn't even 18 yet. In another country you'd be in serious trouble mate!

 

[bscheema]

(Help! Im a.......bla bla bla )are these kind of question are real !!!! or somebody checking our reaction ....:whatzpointsing: