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Dating Out Of Religion

AliceA

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Dec 14, 2015
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I am white and my boyfriends in Punjabi/Sikh. My family has raised me Catholic but I am very loosely attached to the religion. We keep having problems because he doesn't want to tell his family about us, mainly because of my ethnicity and religion. Another issue is our age, I am in high school and he just started college. I have been working very hard to study the religion and culture. He keeps giving excuses not to try to talk to his parents about us. I know all the Sikhism teachings are against dating because dating can lead to lust, one of the five thieves, but we both have talked about this and we both want to stay pure until we are married. We have gone through almost every difference with ease, the only thing we can't seem to figure out is the parents. He is very traditional, wears a parna, his grandparents live in his parent's home, and his whole family is very close. How can I convince him to talk to his family? I'm afraid I'm going to loose him because he's scared to talk to his family. I need someone who can understand his culture better than I can. Help?
 

namritanevaeh

Writer
SPNer
Oct 14, 2012
220
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Surrey, Canada
Does he have a sister? My best suggestion is to get him to introduce you to her, and get HER to introduce you to the parents as a female friend, wow them with your interest in sikhi and many months from now when they have accepted you, they'll not be as upset with him wanting to marry you. It's the only way I can think of to make as few waves as possible.

Good luck.
 

Harry Haller

Panga Master
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Jan 31, 2011
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I'm afraid I'm going to loose him because he's scared to talk to his family. I need someone who can understand his culture better than I can. Help?
your fears are not misplaced, he does not strike me as someone who is shall we say full steam ahead on the plan, I always find it quite funny when I read comments like, he's very traditional, wear's full panna, etc etc, but unfortunately he is not man enough to go home and state that he has fallen in love with someone.

To my mind, what is the point of wearing or being anything if you do not have the courage to stand up for who you are?
 

Harkiran Kaur

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Jul 21, 2012
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It shouldn't be a chore to be honest about the one you are genuinely interested in either... many Punjabi Sikh families (if they are indeed true Sikhs) will acknowledge that a white Sikh is still a Sikh. That is if you covert or affirm you will follow Sikhi. As especially Amritdhari Sikhs MUST by Rehet Maryada (code of conduct) marry another baptized Sikh. Many gurdwaras will not marry a couple if both are not Sikh and protests have even happened in UK when some tried.

I am caucasian Canadian girl, married to a Punjabi. We are both Sikh. He by birth and he took amrit years ago. I only took it recently when we were married. But I have been following Sikhi on my own for about 10 years. I attend my local Gurdwara regularly. I even tie a turban, something not common for Sikh girls (but its gaining momentum).

His family had absolutely no problem with me at all. And his Mom is very sweet and we get along well (language barriers aside).
 

namritanevaeh

Writer
SPNer
Oct 14, 2012
220
301
Surrey, Canada
It shouldn't be a chore to be honest about the one you are genuinely interested in either... many Punjabi Sikh families (if they are indeed true Sikhs) will acknowledge that a white Sikh is still a Sikh. That is if you covert or affirm you will follow Sikhi. As especially Amritdhari Sikhs MUST by Rehet Maryada (code of conduct) marry another baptized Sikh. Many gurdwaras will not marry a couple if both are not Sikh and protests have even happened in UK when some tried.

I am caucasian Canadian girl, married to a Punjabi. We are both Sikh. He by birth and he took amrit years ago. I only took it recently when we were married. But I have been following Sikhi on my own for about 10 years. I attend my local Gurdwara regularly. I even tie a turban, something not common for Sikh girls (but its gaining momentum).

His family had absolutely no problem with me at all. And his Mom is very sweet and we get along well (language barriers aside).
This may be true but I get the feeling that a lot of Sikh families are MORE WILLING to accept a punjabi background person who doesn't seem "perfect" versus a white girl who doesn't. For example to TRUELY be accepted maybe a white girl has to actually wear a turban but if a brown punjabi girl doesn't they'll live with it. There's a fair amount of racism out there still. They want a girl who is "desi but as pale as you can get, definitely not a white girl because maybe they have loose morals" kinda thing. :-/
 

Harkiran Kaur

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Jul 21, 2012
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His Mom even made me Gucci Pulao :) Which if you know what it is... is a huge compliment and something special :) Hint: Gucci mushrooms from Kashmir are about 500.00 CDN for 1 Gram!!!! She saved them to make it for me! They are not something that they come by easily or very often! Then again, I also sent my MIL a white mother of pearl kirpan... which was beautiful and she loved it!
 

Harry Haller

Panga Master
SPNer
Jan 31, 2011
5,762
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your fears are not misplaced, he does not strike me as someone who is shall we say full steam ahead on the plan, I always find it quite funny when I read comments like, he's very traditional, wear's full panna, etc etc, but unfortunately he is not man enough to go home and state that he has fallen in love with someone.

To my mind, what is the point of wearing or being anything if you have no balls?
This may be true but I get the feeling that a lot of Sikh families are MORE WILLING to accept a punjabi background person who doesn't seem "perfect" versus a white girl who doesn't. For example to TRUELY be accepted maybe a white girl has to actually wear a turban but if a brown punjabi girl doesn't they'll live with it. There's a fair amount of racism out there still. They want a girl who is "desi but as pale as you can get, definitely not a white girl because maybe they have loose morals" kinda thing. :-/
They are Punjabi families, if they were Sikh families they would not care.......
 

namritanevaeh

Writer
SPNer
Oct 14, 2012
220
301
Surrey, Canada
They are Punjabi families, if they were Sikh families they would not care.......
Methinks there are a lot of "punjabi families claiming to be Sikh" then... :-/

One lady I really liked, I think she was even interested in me for her son (I didn't know him well enough to know if I would be interested) asked if I wanted to wear a turban. I said "I respect it very much, enough that I won't lie and wear one when it's not who I fully am (yet...)?"

He's now married. Hopefully happily. But so many people I meet when I mention a potential spouse being white they go "noooo my parents would never go for that." SO many people. :-/
 

Harry Haller

Panga Master
SPNer
Jan 31, 2011
5,762
8,156
50
Methinks there are a lot of "punjabi families claiming to be Sikh" then... :-/

One lady I really liked, I think she was even interested in me for her son (I didn't know him well enough to know if I would be interested) asked if I wanted to wear a turban. I said "I respect it very much, enough that I won't lie and wear one when it's not who I fully am (yet...)?"

He's now married. Hopefully happily. But so many people I meet when I mention a potential spouse being white they go "noooo my parents would never go for that." SO many people. :-/
yes, there are a lot of Punjabi families claiming to be Sikh, and there are also a lot of people of all colours and cultures, who have never heard of Sikhi, that are the greatest Sikhs in the world, in fact, I would wager that the person in this world who is most close to Sikh philosophy, is probably not even a Sikh.....
 

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