Reading through these comments are making me extremely aware that before you even get to the first line of the SGGS, Ek Onkar, you cannot proceed any further until you have resolved the loving of god issue.
Those words clearly need to be read with the love of god in your heart, otherwise I would imagine they lose power and effect, as you are then in effect, without the love, reading a book, rather than the long letter from a loved one. Maybe its the lack of love that turns people into empty vessels with much finery on the outside and nothing inside.
God is the father that I rebelled against for years, I mocked him, intentionally went down paths he forbade, I heightened the rebellion by enjoying the sadness in his eyes as I merrily went down the path of self destruction, not once, but many many times, and each time, I found myself still complete and not destroyed, the height of ego is to believe in god, yet to refuse to bow down before him., yet, he never burned the bridges, he always kept an open dialogue, sometimes he would speak to me, never angry, always with humour, gentle, like a father whose son could do no wrong, just misdirected.
I wonder if the relationship between god and human is how the relationship should be between human and child. I firmly believe god lives in me, I also firmly believes he loves me, actually I believe that the love he has for me is a template for how we should all love each other. When you have a headstrong child, do you forcibly forbid him from doing things, or do you allow him ( i speak in the male, as I have a stepson) to make his own mistakes and be there to pick him up when he has fallen, and gently ask him what he has learnt, and then move forward...
Part of me feels I do not deserve this love, and that guilt causes the problem in loving back. You see this in humans, someone wrongs you, you forgive them, but they still behave as if you are angry with them, as they cannot forgive themselves, which just makes things more difficult, as your forgiveness is in your hands, but their own, well thats for them to deal with, perhaps that is pride. Is it pride that stops you from accepting that you have done wrong, and the other person is bigger for forgiving.
I do not even know If I know what love is anymore, but one thing I do feel inside me, is that as soon as I am big enough to accept the grace and love of the creator without pride and ego, my ability to love will be increased infinitely.
I do not think this is a case of learning how to love, but stripping away the last shreds of pride and forgiving myself for being such an idiot, and being happy that the father is able not only to forgive me, but integrate what I have learn't into his way, and that my friends isn't actually as hard as it sounds winkingmunda
