Shit Happens


Sep 16, 2004
Shit Happens

In various world religions:
  • Taoism: Shit Happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit.
    Shit happens, so flow with it.
  • Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding, She-it happens,
    happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become
    one with the she-it). Please, this flower and buy our shit.
  • Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens", Confucious says, "If shit
    has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY"
  • Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it really isn't
    really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen to you next time.
  • Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
  • 7th-Day Adventism: Shit happens only on Saturdays.
  • Hinduism: I've seen this shit before. This shit is not a religion, it is
    a way of life. This shit happening IS you.
  • Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
    If shit happens, praise the Lord for it.
  • Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
  • Episcopalian: If shit happens, hold a procession.
  • Lutheranism: Shit happens but as long as you are sorry, it's OK.
  • Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
  • Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. you were born shit, you are
    shit, and you will die shit.
  • Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we
    love you anyway.
  • Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Why does shit always
    happen just before you close the deal?
  • Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
  • Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, take a hostage.
    We don't take any shit.
  • New Age: That's not shit, its feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me.
    This isn't shit if you really believe that it's chocolate. I create my
    own shit. If shit happens, honor and share in it! We are all part of
    the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your
    own shit.
  • Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess
    makes shit happen.
  • Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armageddon. There is only a
    limited amount of good shit. Knock, knock "Shit
    happens", Here we insist you take our shit. Shit happens
    door to door.
  • Secularism: Shit evolves.
  • Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
  • Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray. Shit doesn't
    happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will
    take care of itself. Shit in your mind.
  • Atheism: I don't believe this shit. It looks and tastes like shit, so I'm damned
    if I'm going to taste it. Shit is dead. No shit!
  • Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched or
    tasted it, but it's shit.
  • Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not
    sure whether it's shit or not. What is this shit!? how can we
    KNOW if shit happens? you can't prove any of this shit.
  • Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit mon.
  • Mormonism: if shit happens, shun it. Excrement happens (you can't say shit
    in Utah). Our shit is better than your shit. Shit happens again
    & again & again...
  • Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and keeps going and going and going...
  • Baptist: You are shitting and you'll be punished for it. We will wash the
    shit right off you.
  • Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the Lord.
  • Iraqi Bathist: Oh shit!
  • Voodoo: shit doesn't just happen - somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick
    some pins in this shit! This shit's gonna get you.
  • Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could stop shit from
  • Unitarianism: What is this shit? We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go
    ahead. Shit anywhere you want. It's not the shit that matters.
    It's the process.
  • Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
  • Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.
  • EST: I am the cause that shit will not happen. You're responsible for all the
    shit that happens.
  • Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. If shit happens, but don't
    publish it.
  • Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.
  • Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless.
  • Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
  • Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
  • Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
  • Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
  • Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
  • Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
  • Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange suit.
  • Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?
  • Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen.
  • Scientology: All this happens to be shit. If you leave us, bad shit will
  • Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!
  • Sikh: Leave us alone.
  • Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

In various other ways
  • Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! It's all mine! Isn't it beautiful!?
  • An Employer: Shit happens and rolls down hill.
  • An Employee: I've done my shit, can I take the day off? This shit's not part
    of my contract.
  • Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable.
  • Heisenberg: Shit happened, we just don't know where.
  • Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well defined quantities.
  • Einstein: Shit is relative.
  • Reaction to your Moth-in-Law: Relatives are shit.
  • Washington: I cannot tell a lie - shit happens.
  • Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...
  • Nixon: Shit didn't happen and I didn't know anything about it.
  • Reagan: I do believe shit happened, I was just taking a nap.
  • Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. This
    looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
  • Quayle: Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?
  • Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. I tried it before and I didn't like it...
  • Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this shit.
  • McCarthyism: Are you now or have you ever been with Martin Luther
  • King: Black and white shit CAN coexist...
  • Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shit. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
  • John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit.
  • James Tiberious Kirk: boldly shit where no one has shit before!
  • Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in that shittttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
  • Macintosh: (Enough said)
  • UNIX/C: Core dump... shit!
  • IBM/DOS: It's shit but at least it's compatible.
  • Communism: It's everybody's shit.
  • Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
    Dictatorship of the shit.
  • Capitalism: Shit happens and it will cost you! If your going to sell that shit,
    at least make a profit.
  • Cannibalism: Don't eat that shit.
  • Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
  • Hedonism: there's nothing quite like a good shit.
  • Stoicism: This shit's good for me.
  • Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen, shit it. Shit happening is absent.
  • Realism: I think I need to take a shit.
  • Denialism: What shit?
  • Purists: If shit is to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
  • Procrastination: I'll take care of this shit...tomorrow.
  • Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
  • Repressionism: I think I'll hold this shit in forever.
  • Fatalist: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
  • Surrealism: Fish!
  • Moilanenism: Smells like shit of Finnish fish.
  • Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!
  • Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.
  • Masochism: Do shit to me!
  • Sadism: I will shit on you!
  • Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.

According to the Philosopher:
  • Thales: Earth, Fire, Air and Shit.
  • Epicurious: If shit happens, enjoy it.
  • Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?
  • Aristotle: The essence of shittiness...
  • Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? Shit, therefore I am.
  • Lebnitz (As interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in the
    world is made for shit.
  • Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately to suck the shit out of life.
  • Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway?

In various professions:
  • Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case.
  • Statistician: There is a 87.3% chance that shit will happen... Maybe.
  • Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.
  • Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
  • Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
  • Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this
    and ... SHIT!!!
  • Biologist: Is this shit alive?
  • Economist: I hope nobody figures out that I really don't understand this shit.
  • Bureaucrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill form XJ-
    314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-
    Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
  • CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oooh SHIT!
  • Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
  • Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. yes, it is definately a
    case of shit. $99.95, please... Shit, where's this organ supposed to
  • Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit, some of
    it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Gyani Jarnail Singh

Sawa lakh se EK larraoan
Jul 4, 2004
Had a good laugh....but you know what....each of my students wanted to see what "sikhism" had to say...and they were very disappointed....Biased...purposely edited sikh entry..etc etc were the complaints.. shows we are mature enought o laugh at ourselves too. too bad the sikh entry was empty.

jarnail singh
Jun 1, 2004
Sikh: Leave us alone.
On a sad note, the Sikh comment above truly sums up the current state of affiars of Sikhs --> just leave us alone, we are good for nothing and we can do nothing about it...

On a positive note i agree with Gyani ji, and on after reading the whole thing... i can only... do this...:rofl!!:


Sep 16, 2004
Dear Jarnail ji

Had a good laugh....but you know what....each of my students wanted to see what "sikhism" had to say...and they were very disappointed....Biased...purposely edited sikh entry..etc etc were the complaints.. shows we are mature enought o laugh at ourselves too. too bad the sikh entry was empty.

jarnail singh

It is nice to hear that your students and you enjoyed it , But just to let you know this was not edited my me and i dont think by the person on whose site I found (as he is nota sikh ) it .....but still I will go with the view of @Neutral Singh ji, I think this is what people think of sikhs

Also about maturity I would like to say something

As such jokes are written on such communities which are quite succesful in their means of working for example Jews , sikhs, Banias(merchant community in India,marwari (bussiness class in india) , so it is kind of compensatory tool for people who cant compete with these communities in what ever field these communties excel so people satisfy themselves by making jokes on them

And among all these communties I have never come across a person writing a book of jokes including there own communities but as for sikhism Kushwant Singh has done it
and this clearly shows the maturity and tolerance level of sikh community

Jatinder Singh