- Sep 16, 2004
In various world religions:
- Taoism: Shit Happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
- Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding, She-it happens,
happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become
one with the she-it). Please, this flower and buy our shit.
- Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens", Confucious says, "If shit
has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY"
- Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it really isn't
really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen to you next time.
- Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
- 7th-Day Adventism: Shit happens only on Saturdays.
- Hinduism: I've seen this shit before. This shit is not a religion, it is
a way of life. This shit happening IS you.
- Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
If shit happens, praise the Lord for it.
- Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
- Episcopalian: If shit happens, hold a procession.
- Lutheranism: Shit happens but as long as you are sorry, it's OK.
- Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
- Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. you were born shit, you are
shit, and you will die shit.
- Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we
love you anyway.
- Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Why does shit always
happen just before you close the deal?
- Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
- Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't take any shit.
- New Age: That's not shit, its feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if you really believe that it's chocolate. I create my
own shit. If shit happens, honor and share in it! We are all part of
the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your
- Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess
makes shit happen.
- Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armageddon. There is only a
limited amount of good shit. Knock, knock "Shit
happens", Here we insist you take our shit. Shit happens
door to door.
- Secularism: Shit evolves.
- Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
- Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray. Shit doesn't
happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will
take care of itself. Shit in your mind.
- Atheism: I don't believe this shit. It looks and tastes like shit, so I'm damned
if I'm going to taste it. Shit is dead. No shit!
- Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched or
tasted it, but it's shit.
- Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not
sure whether it's shit or not. What is this shit!? how can we
KNOW if shit happens? you can't prove any of this shit.
- Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit mon.
- Mormonism: if shit happens, shun it. Excrement happens (you can't say shit
in Utah). Our shit is better than your shit. Shit happens again
& again & again...
- Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and keeps going and going and going...
- Baptist: You are shitting and you'll be punished for it. We will wash the
shit right off you.
- Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the Lord.
- Iraqi Bathist: Oh shit!
- Voodoo: shit doesn't just happen - somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick
some pins in this shit! This shit's gonna get you.
- Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could stop shit from
- Unitarianism: What is this shit? We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go
ahead. Shit anywhere you want. It's not the shit that matters.
It's the process.
- Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
- Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.
- EST: I am the cause that shit will not happen. You're responsible for all the
shit that happens.
- Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. If shit happens, but don't
- Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.
- Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless.
- Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
- Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
- Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
- Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
- Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
- Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
- Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange suit.
- Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?
- Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen.
- Scientology: All this happens to be shit. If you leave us, bad shit will
- Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!
- Sikh: Leave us alone.
- Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
In various other ways
- Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! It's all mine! Isn't it beautiful!?
- An Employer: Shit happens and rolls down hill.
- An Employee: I've done my shit, can I take the day off? This shit's not part
of my contract.
- Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable.
- Heisenberg: Shit happened, we just don't know where.
- Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well defined quantities.
- Einstein: Shit is relative.
- Reaction to your Moth-in-Law: Relatives are shit.
- Washington: I cannot tell a lie - shit happens.
- Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...
- Nixon: Shit didn't happen and I didn't know anything about it.
- Reagan: I do believe shit happened, I was just taking a nap.
- Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. This
looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
- Quayle: Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?
- Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. I tried it before and I didn't like it...
- Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this shit.
- McCarthyism: Are you now or have you ever been with Martin Luther
- King: Black and white shit CAN coexist...
- Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shit. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
- John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit.
- James Tiberious Kirk: ..to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
- Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in that shittttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
- Macintosh: (Enough said)
- UNIX/C: Core dump... shit!
- IBM/DOS: It's shit but at least it's compatible.
- Communism: It's everybody's shit.
- Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
- Capitalism: Shit happens and it will cost you! If your going to sell that shit,
at least make a profit.
- Cannibalism: Don't eat that shit.
- Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
- Hedonism: there's nothing quite like a good shit.
- Stoicism: This shit's good for me.
- Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen, shit it. Shit happening is absent.
- Realism: I think I need to take a shit.
- Denialism: What shit?
- Purists: If shit is to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
- Procrastination: I'll take care of this shit...tomorrow.
- Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
- Repressionism: I think I'll hold this shit in forever.
- Fatalist: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
- Surrealism: Fish!
- Moilanenism: Smells like shit of Finnish fish.
- Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!
- Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.
- Masochism: Do shit to me!
- Sadism: I will shit on you!
- Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.
According to the Philosopher:
- Thales: Earth, Fire, Air and Shit.
- Epicurious: If shit happens, enjoy it.
- Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?
- Aristotle: The essence of shittiness...
- Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? Shit, therefore I am.
- Lebnitz (As interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in the
world is made for shit.
- Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately to suck the shit out of life.
- Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway?
In various professions:
- Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case.
- Statistician: There is a 87.3% chance that shit will happen... Maybe.
- Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.
- Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
- Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
- Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this
and ... SHIT!!!
- Biologist: Is this shit alive?
- Economist: I hope nobody figures out that I really don't understand this shit.
- Bureaucrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill form XJ-
314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-
Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
- CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oooh SHIT!
- Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
- Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. yes, it is definately a
case of shit. $99.95, please... Shit, where's this organ supposed to
- Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit, some of
it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.