I hope it is okay to start new thread, I have another one from about 5 months ago but the things I would like to say are different, so I think it makes more sense to start a different discussion.Since the last time I was here, I have been doing a lot of reading and a lot of exploring. The past 5 months, I have done a lot of lurking on this website, plus extensive reading of Guru Granth Sahib Ji. A lot of things did not make sense to me at first, but that is where SPN came in, I searched a lot of the old threads on here about things like sin, reincarnation, soul and also explanations of Jaapji Sahib. I had gotten a nitnem book a few months ago, but unfortunately I am not very good with routine, so only read it 1-2 times a week. The only bani I manage to read is Jaapji Sahib, I know it is supposed to be read in morning but I am not a morning person and with school am always rushing, so when I read I read it at night time before I go to sleep because it relaxes me, and not the whole thing either, I try to learn it little by little and only read the parts that I know the translation and meaning of, because I think it would not make sense to read the rest because I wouldn’t understand it, I hope that is ok! I was very sceptical when I came here 5 months ago but I am glad to say most of it has gone away. I am very happy with what I have found on this website and also when I read Guru Granth Sahib Ji, it was hard for me to figure out at first but it makes so much sense now. I read it and nod my head very often, I agree with what is written there, when I started it seemed hard to understand about karma and reincarnation, that was my biggest problem, but now I know karma just means what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow. And reincarnation, it says you will be animal without the naam, I thought it means that if you die not Sikh you come back as animal, but I then read this from page 1030: “Without the Sangat, the Company of the Holy, all remain like beasts and animals.” It made something click for me and realized that turning into beasts and animal is not for next life, it is this life, if I am bad person maybe I am pig today and dog tomorrow, snake the day after that, and I keep changing depending on my mood that day, but I escape reincarnation and “coming and going” when I live good life and have control of myself, because Guru Nanak Dev Ji says on page 84 that “Let sincere faith be your bowing in prayer, and let the conquest of your mind be your objective in life.” So it is all in your own mind, if you let your mind control you, you keep changing and reincarnating, but when you control your mind, you control your actions, then you are liberated from yourself. Okay this part might be weird, but I want to include anyways. Ever since I have been little, I have always held close attachment to Punjab. I may not have known a lot about Sikhism, but I was still very much proud to be Punjabi and where I came from. I read about the lives of the freedom fighters, Bhagat Singh and Udham Singh, and I hold them to be inspiration for bravery and fighting for your rights. Anyways, years ago, I watched a movie about Shaheed Udham Singh and his life. It was a good movie, but there was one part in it that I loved and did not forget, the part where he leaves his home and walks to the conference where Michael O’Dwyer was giving a speech to get revenge for Jallianwala Bagh massacre. There was music playing in the background as he was walking there and it was probably the most beautiful thing I had heard until then, unfortunately I could not understand the words so did not find out what it was saying. I always remembered that movie, and last year I found the movie on youtube and watched it again, I have seen it like 5 times to date hahaha. But as you can guess, that one part of the :happysingh: movie, I watched it over and over again not just because I think the voice was nice, the voice was okay, but because of the words. I ask my parents and they could not tell me where it was from or exactly what it was saying, because they are not that good with Punjabi either. So since I started researching Sikhism, I have been reading Guru Granth Sahib a lot. I usually go onto this website: http://www.srigranth.org/servlet/gurbani.gurbani and do advanced Gurbani search and just read about stuff that interests me. One day I was searching about demons and what Guru Granth Sahib Ji says about them, I clicked on a few of the different searches and then got to one in particular and I stopped. Because on the same page was a line that I read and it seemed very familiar to me, I read the romanized version of the Punjabi and the way it sounded, I knew I had heard it before, but I was pronouncing it wrong so could not know for sure. A few days later I was watching that part of the movie again and then I knew where I had seen the line before, it was from this movie, the person in the movie was reciting that line from Guru Granth Sahib Ji! I went back to sri granth and found it again and read it. I read it while the person from the movie recited it and could not stop, because of the message behind it and what Shaheed Udham Singh was going to do, it made sense to me why they were playing it at that time. I stared at the line and the line under it (they were both from movie) for a very long time, because the message was very beautiful. So I knew that what the person was singing was from Guru Granth Sahib, and after using google for searching, I found the rest of the lines as well. I will link the part of the movie I am talking about from youtube. I disagree with some parts, I know Sikhs are not supposed to fold hands in front of Guru pictures (which he does first), but the song is the part I am focusing on, the song ends at 2:24:10 <iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/keJ9s41v5tU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> I have found the entire thing, it is here: Ja▫o ṯa▫o parem kẖelaṇ kā cẖā▫o. If you desire to play this game of love with Me, Sir ḏẖar ṯalī galī merī ā▫o. then step onto My Path with your head in hand. Iṯ mārag pair ḏẖarījai. When you place your feet on this Path, Sir ḏījai kāṇ na kījai. ||20|| give Me your head, and do not pay any attention to public opinion. ||20|| Sūrā so pahicẖānī▫ai jo larai ḏīn ke heṯ. He alone is known as a spiritual hero, who fights in defense of religion. Purjā purjā kat marai kabhū na cẖẖādai kẖeṯ. He may be cut apart, piece by piece, but he never leaves the field of battle. ||2||2|| The entire thing is wonderful, I enjoy listening to the whole thing, but it is the bold part, which I found out is by Guru Nanak Dev Ji, that I have found to be the most beautiful. “If you desire to play this game of love with me, then step onto my path with head in hand.” I pondered over this part, those 2 lines, for a very long time. It made me think, what good is it to do all this research, if I won’t even go to Gurdwara to show respect to my Guru? When Guru Nanak Dev Ji says that those people who want to play the game of love, not because they were forced or threatened, but out of own free will, if they wish to play it with the Guru, they should step onto path with head in the hands, then the least I can do is go to Gurdwara and bow down to my Guru So this past weekend, I finally did it. I went to Gurdwara, by myself because I wanted it to be more personal, I went for the first time in almost a decade (10 years). The last time I went I was just a kid, not even teenager yet, now I am almost 20 years old, first time going as adult. It was very frightening to go, I feared doing something wrong, but I listened to that part over and over again, plus the part after it “step onto my path and pay no attention to public opinion”, and it gave me the strength to go. I entered as I remember by covering my head and taking off shoes, I asked a gentleman where prayer room was and he said upstairs, so I went. I stood outside for long time, because it was scary to walk inside in front of everyone and matha thek, they would all look at me and I was a stranger, but I just remembered those words, there was my Guru in front of me, all I had to do was go offer my head, it did not matter what anyone else thought. I went inside and walked to Guru Ji and fold my hands and just stood there, just being happy to be standing in front of Guru Ji and then bow down and got my parshad and sit down. About 10 minutes after sitting down I started to relax and feel very calm, they were singing from Guru Granth Sahib Ji and I still can’t understand 100%, not even 50%, but I just close my eyes and listen because of how soothing the words were. As I was listening, I remember this part of Guru Granth Sahib by Guru Arjan Dev Ji: Janam janam kā vicẖẖuṛi▫ā mili▫ā. I have now been united with the Lord after having been separated and cut off from Him for so many lifetimes; Sāḏẖ kirpā ṯe sūkā hari▫ā. by the Grace of the Holy Saint, the dried-up branches have blossomed forth again in their greenery. Sumaṯ pā▫e nām ḏẖi▫ā▫e gurmukẖ ho▫e melā jī▫o. ||3|| I have obtained this sublime understanding, and I meditate on the Naam; as Gurmukh, I have met the Lord. ||3|| And I am a bit embarrassed to admit this, but I started to get tears in my eyes, because it really felt like to me I had been cut off from Lord for a very long time, so many lifetimes, and now, I had experienced the peacefulness of the Lord, by offering my head to my Guru. It was few tears at first, but then it became more and more, and I am thankful I was sitting at the back because otherwise someone would have seen lol. Sorry for making it so long I just wanted to express what I had felt by going to Gurdwara.