Hard Talk How Many Sikhs Have Married Out Of Caste/race?

[Astroboy]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

John Berger: All weddings are similar, but every marriage is different.

 

[KiranC]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

John Berger: All weddings are similar, but every marriage is different.

I don't understand those quotes...:S

I told my dad that I don't want to marry anyone else and he has said that he will never force me to. I don't believe in arranged marriages and I am not allowed to find someone that I want-so where does that leave me?

I asked my partner (well ex-partner now) why we couldn't just go and do our own thing and he said that it isn't fair on our families-maybe he's right.

 

[kds1980]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

Kiran I think the best solution is to wait.Don't break your relationship with your partner on the other hand keep trying to convince your parents.You are just 22 you have lot of time to get married.Please don't mind but it looks like your father is just want to break your relationship.By saying that he will never force you to marry it look's like he is lying because There are hardly any traditional parents
who just want that their daughter remain's unmarried.As your age increases the worry of your parents
to find a suitable match will also increase and it is possible that they will accept your partner.

Main point is don't take any step in hurry.you have lot of time in your hand

 

[KiranC]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

Kiran I think the best solution is to wait.Don't break your relationship with your partner on the other hand keep trying to convince your parents.You are just 22 you have lot of time to get married.Please don't mind but it looks like your father is just want to break your relationship.By saying that he will never force you to marry it look's like he is lying because There are hardly any traditional parents
who just want that their daughter remain's unmarried.As your age increases the worry of your parents
to find a suitable match will also increase and it is possible that they will accept your partner.

Main point is don't take any step in hurry.you have lot of time in your hand

Hey KDS1980

Thanks for the encouraging words. When you say that you think my dad is trying to break me and my partner up I thought the same thing!

 

[pk70]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

KiranC Ji,

All my best wishes are with you. Sikh1980 has given you very practical advice. The thing that boggles my mind is about stance of your parents. If it were me, I would have honored your wish to marry with in Sikhism with honor. Regarding, their show of ego in context of Caste ,obviously proves their disrespect toward Guru. After understanding all this, still give due respect and wait but don't give in. You are so young, it could turn in favor of you, just keep advocating your case intelligently by bringing issue of religion and rejection of castes by Guru ji. some time being cool works better than rebellious behavior. May Waheguru fulfill your wish.

 

[KiranC]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

KiranC Ji,

All my best wishes are with you. Sikh1980 has given you very practical advice. The thing that boggles my mind is about stance of your parents. If it were me, I would have honored your wish to marry with in Sikhism with honor. Regarding, their show of ego in context of Caste ,obviously proves their disrespect toward Guru. After understanding all this, still give due respect and wait but don't give in. You are so young, it could turn in favor of you, just keep advocating your case intelligently by bringing issue of religion and rejection of castes by Guru ji. some time being cool works better than rebellious behavior. May Waheguru fulfill your wish.

Thank you.

You don't know how nice it is to feel like I have some support.

Although I think they may have started to come around to the idea of his caste (even though it shouldn't have been a problem to begin with) and my dad simply did not like my partner.

I tried being honest with my parents and go about things the right way. I didn't want to leave and get married in the beginning-i wanted them to be at the wedding and be happy for me. But it feels like by being honest I betrayed my own happiness :-(

 

[KiranC]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

Ok next update:

It's done...no more fighting...everythings over. My partner and I are definately over. There's nothing more I can do. I tried I really did but when it came down to it my parents put so much pressure on me and emotionally abused me for so long that I can't fight anymore. My partner doesn't want to fight for it anymore...he sees no way of it happening now.

I really hope that my parents are happy with what they have done. One thing is certain-if they try to put either of my brothers through what they put me through i'll make sure that my brothers get what they want. I don't want them to feel as awful as I do.

Fair enough respect your parents but why is it they can't do the same thing back? Oh and a word of advice don't accept things from your parents because when things like this happen they will say, 'we did this for you and we bought you this and that and this is how you repay us' I didn't realise that when your parents gave you something it needed to be repaid in some way. If I did...I would never have accepted anything from them.

Yes I feel very bitter towards them right now. But I also feel very bitter towards my ex partner who never had the courage to stand up for me and fight for me. I feel amazingly worthless. I know he hurts and I know it isn''t easy for him but I don't see why we couldn't jsut go and get married anyway.

My parents have proved that their love and support is conditional based on if I am doing what they want me to. When I decide to do something for myself that support disappears so quickly.

 

[Visitor]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

I just came across this discussion and it is exactly the conflict in my own head at the moment. I converted (well, I try hard to follow the words of my Gurus) almost 2 years ago to Sikhism. I later began to date a Sikh guy. It has been 16 months of fun and I have learned alot from him. On the other hand, I have never met any of his friends and his parents do not know about me. This as you can imagine makes me feel horrible and unworthy. I continually remind myself that these are feelings fueled by my own ego. It is not easy at all. I know that in staying with him will result in family conflict and I have to ask myself is this fair on him?

Kiran ji, I am so sorry to hear about you and your parents. I can only imagine what it feels like. Please dont give up on them. We all see our parents in a particular light but at the end of it all - they are only human. They will come around. Dont shut them out with anger. Use this energy to show them that you are okay and your relationship is secure because at the end of it all, that is what they are fearful of - your well-being right? Finally, I think that deep down you knew that this was going to be the reaction of your parents while you where dating your partner. You have made a decision to be together and surely discussed this very situation. Now it is your turn to prove all those points that made you both decide to stick together through this. My thoughts are with both you and your family.

 

[kds1980]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

Kiran

I still beleive do not take any decision in hurry.Give your partner time may be he is feeling as bad as you feel now.Don't break your relationship in hurry.

 

[Visitor]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

I dont think that she is breaking her relationship with her partner, kds1980 ji! Sadly, I think that she feels that she has to choose between her family and the man that she loves. As a result, she feels that because of this choice, that everything is over with her family.

Again, I would say, give your FAMILY time to deal with the news.

 

[kds1980]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

What I am saying is she should give time to her partner.

 

[Visitor]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

fair play! I just think (from my own experience) that patience, or time, is important but at what cost? Is it just delaying the inevitable? A situation is going to arise, we all know that when get involved. Now that it is out in the open, it needs to be dealt with like adults. Turning ones back on their parents is not the answer. Moreso, putting your partner in a situation where they are also 'sneaking' around is not fair. This is a partner who already has the 'odds stacked against them' and it is just making it worse! Sorry, this is a similar situation that I am going through and it is really hurtful...

 

[KiranC]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

Unfortunately he broke it not me. He has had enough...he can't see a way round this. Don't get me wrong it was very difficult for him to do. I know he loves me very much but he doesn't want to keep hurting either.

 

[kds1980]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

Dear visitor

First could you please tell us about yourself.I mean you are a convert so which ethnicity you belong
and what is your problem

If you don't mind please tell us in detali

 

[KiranC]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

But my family are forcing me to make a choice. Yes it is hurtful...its killing me...i have no other word for it. I dont even feel like me anymore...its like a big part of me has died and I don't know how to deal with it :-(

 

[kds1980]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

Unfortunately he broke it not me. He has had enough...he can't see a way round this. Don't get me wrong it was very difficult for him to do. I know he loves me very much but he doesn't want to keep hurting either.

Ok so its him

But you should be in contact with him in coming months like giving him a phone call after 2-3 months.A person only realises the importance of other person when he/she looses him her.May be he could reconsider his decision.

Also what is the stand of his parents on this issue.

 

[Visitor]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

No problem. I am Australian and moved to the UK to teach. I was asked to teach RE (Religion) on Sikhism. I started looking into it and became touched by the words of Guru Nanak dev ji. I researched more and more on it and realised that this was not new to me but made sense. IT was exactly what I really thought of as truth. I thank God every day for that experience!! Shortly after my partner came into my life and he is not only a partner to me but also my 'touch' with the ways of Sikhism. I bounce everything I read off of him. I am sure that at times it drives him insane hehe. He has been honest about his family and says that they will be quite upset with this situation. That being me not being Punjabi, or at least Indian! Like Kiran, I find this difficult to understand. I would appreciate that if we followed different views on religion that this could cause major issues in our future life but we are both on the same track. I think that women and men do think differently, and I will say that most of the time I walk with my head in the clouds and think 'romantically' rather then 'realistically' (as he always tells me). But my most inner self tells me that honesty is very important! I don't think that I have a 'problem' as such I just think that Kiran should sit with her partner, discuss the issue at hand (not their relationship but the fact that her family is hurting). They need to stand together and support each other here.

I really believe that the answer is: Ek Onkar! It is simple. Guru Nanak dev ji did not intend (I believe) for this to be difficult. Embrace his words...

Kds1980 ji, I apologies if I came across as harsh - this is not my intention at all. It just feel so sad for these situations!

 

[KiranC]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

No problem. I am Australian and moved to the UK to teach. I was asked to teach RE (Religion) on Sikhism. I started looking into it and became touched by the words of Guru Nanak dev ji. I researched more and more on it and realised that this was not new to me but made sense. IT was exactly what I really thought of as truth. I thank God every day for that experience!! Shortly after my partner came into my life and he is not only a partner to me but also my 'touch' with the ways of Sikhism. I bounce everything I read off of him. I am sure that at times it drives him insane hehe. He has been honest about his family and says that they will be quite upset with this situation. That being me not being Punjabi, or at least Indian! Like Kiran, I find this difficult to understand. I would appreciate that if we followed different views on religion that this could cause major issues in our future life but we are both on the same track. I think that women and men do think differently, and I will say that most of the time I walk with my head in the clouds and think 'romantically' rather then 'realistically' (as he always tells me). But my most inner self tells me that honesty is very important! I don't think that I have a 'problem' as such I just think that Kiran should sit with her partner, discuss the issue at hand (not their relationship but the fact that her family is hurting). They need to stand together and support each other here.

I really believe that the answer is: Ek Onkar! It is simple. Guru Nanak dev ji did not intend (I believe) for this to be difficult. Embrace his words...

Kds1980 ji, I apologies if I came across as harsh - this is not my intention at all. It just feel so sad for these situations!

His mum and dad were happy as long as he was happy. That was their main concern-quite rightly so!

Visitor- How can we stand together if he doesn't want to anymore? I know he loves me...that isn't the issue but my family have twisted everything he said to make him look bad and he is really hurt by it. Why would he want to part of a family like that? Even now, after everything he still wants me to work things out with my parents. They think he has no prospects and is a 'chancer' as my dad so kindly put it. How can he be that bad if after everything he still defends them.

He wants some time-out..he just wants to be left alone for a while...so standing together isn't really an option right now.

I honestly cannot believe that my parents have done this to me. Rather than see me happy they want me to hurt simply because they don't agree with my choice of partner. In this day and age you wouldn't expect it to happen...but it does and it has to me.

I know that people are telling me not to turn my back on them...but they did to me- and by doing so they lost me. Maybe not physically but in every other way possible.

 

[Visitor]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

You say that he loves you. And it is because of this, he has rather walk away then see you hurting - right? Maybe (and it is only my opinion) you need this time to build bridges with your family. Strengthen your relationship with your Father (it sounds like that is where the issue is) and ask him what it is that upsets him. Take note of them and then give him the reassurance that he needs. Remember that you know your partner best. Give yourself time to heal rather then focusing on the negative - you can't live a life angry at someone - would it be living?

What happens in our life is for a reason, who are we to question the journey that God places before us? We need to embrace it and rationally (This is a new thing for me ) think about what is best. If being with your partner is the most important thing, wait for him, give him his time and then take it slowly, involving your parents. Maybe asking them to spend time with him so that they see what you see in him. It will all work out in the end

 

[KiranC]

Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race

You say that he loves you. And it is because of this, he has rather walk away then see you hurting - right? Maybe (and it is only my opinion) you need this time to build bridges with your family. Strengthen your relationship with your Father (it sounds like that is where the issue is) and ask him what it is that upsets him. Take note of them and then give him the reassurance that he needs. Remember that you know your partner best. Give yourself time to heal rather then focusing on the negative - you can't live a life angry at someone - would it be living?

What happens in our life is for a reason, who are we to question the journey that God places before us? We need to embrace it and rationally (This is a new thing for me ) think about what is best. If being with your partner is the most important thing, wait for him, give him his time and then take it slowly, involving your parents. Maybe asking them to spend time with him so that they see what you see in him. It will all work out in the end

Yes he does love me-for 5 weeks he did everything the way I wanted to and my family still rejected him. My father is most likely going to refuse to see my partner again.

What upsets my dad is that he doesnt think my partner cares about me, he doesnt like the fact that my partner is a different caste, he doesnt like the fact that marriage wasnt arranged and he is worried about what people will say.

Reassuring him won't work. He told me that i had destroyed the family, if people found out what I did they wouldn't be able to walk to streets again and that i made both him and my mum ill. And that basically I ruined everything.For 5 weeks I had to listen to that-what kind of parents put that sort of pressure on their children?!