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Leisure Funny One Liners

Jul 13, 2004
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The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were
my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife,
I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your
policies or
your mistress."

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
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