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Fighting With The Demons Inside Me

Seeker2013

Writer
SPNer
Aug 29, 2013
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"We stopped checking for monsters under our beds when we realized they were inside us" -Charles Darwin

I used to think it was just one of those non-sense quotes but then I realized its actually true.

My parents say I don't care any for myself. I am starting to have an aged look on my face even though I am just 26. They say I don't care for my health. I feel like I am not able to focus on anything.

demos.jpg


Despite having blessings in my life, I seem only fixated on my sexuality.

Its as if I have become a kind of living dead. I don't know what I am going to do . I just know I cope off my stress by masturbating(M) (sorry for lack of a better word).

I so desperately want to quit . I want to live a wholesome life. I want to socialize and hang out with people. I am beginning to do it , but at the same time, the demons inside me won't let me.

I don't know whether I should be saying this here but I say this only because someone might offer some help. It seems like some have addiction to drinking, smoking, drugs. I hate all 3 but I have addiction to the M word I mentioned earlier. and (again don't know if I should be saying this here), but I have my own fantasies, harmless ones . You can say its a cloth (no I don't cross-dress) , I wear it, jerk off and then I hide it away. To much of my embarrassment, my mom once found it .

I promise this is the last time I do it but then soon (maybe a couple of days later), I found myself doing it again.

I really want to quit this off. I want a healthier way of coping with my sexuality (I am gay), but it seems like I am from inside a weakened man with a feeble mind . I have a hard time resisting my M urge and my silly (and mildly perverted) fantasies .

I feel guilty after doing it and despite all attempts, the most I could do without it is some 4 days.

I want to jogging, gyming and become a young man with young soul again.

I feel like I am not living. Its a mild kind of addiction I think or maybe its serious. I don't know but one thing I DO KNOW . I am not able to get out of it by myself and don't know whom to talk to .

EDIT --
I am convinced if there's a satan, its inside of us. Its the unhealthy temptations (habitual masturbation, drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling, etc ) that whispers in our mind and we in our impotent rages are unable to do anything concrete against it .

Self-control and resisting temptations only work for so long ! eventually , the devil will get you . Whats the way ? only a habit can kill a habit I
I guess I have to make good ones. Its not easy though . Share your inputs
 
Last edited:

Harry Haller

Panga Master
SPNer
Jan 31, 2011
5,769
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"We stopped checking for monsters under our beds when we realized they were inside us" -Charles Darwin
yes, there are monsters inside us, but they are also us, caricatures of us, they are not separate from us, we cannot exorcise them, vanquish them, kill them, to do so would actually put us in very grave danger.

I used to think it was just one of those non-sense quotes but then I realized its actually true.
and actually not true, its sort of true
My parents say I don't care any for myself. I am starting to have an aged look on my face even though I am just 26. They say I don't care for my health. I feel like I am not able to focus on anything.
If I may quote and comment from your previous postings without pointing a finger or trying to blame you, but you have mentioned that you have been spoilt, everything is a habit, even being spoilt, but now you have found something your parents are unable to provide for you, and you are unable to provide it for yourself, this situation has forced you to retreat deep inside yourself, your body
is now merely a zombie, going through the motions, all the action is happening deep inside you, it is a dangerous state to be in, potentially.

Despite having blessings in my life, I seem only fixated on my sexuality.
most men are, I know I am, I know most of the men I speak to are, if we are honest, we all are, its just that some manage to rise above it, even if its for most of the time, and get on with their lives, because you are not possibly used to getting what you want, you have become obsessed with the unreachable.

Its as if I have become a kind of living dead. I don't know what I am going to do . I just know I cope off my stress by masturbating(M) (sorry for lack of a better word).
It is also possible you create stress so that you have a reason and justification for M

I so desperately want to quit . I want to live a wholesome life. I want to socialize and hang out with people. I am beginning to do it , but at the same time, the demons inside me won't let me.
There are no demons inside, just you, and lots of different you's, but they are all you. There is you the son, you the student, you the human being, you the Sikh, and you the gay porn star, unfortunately, instead of sharing the load, the only one that means anything is the latter.

I don't know whether I should be saying this here but I say this only because someone might offer some help. It seems like some have addiction to drinking, smoking, drugs. I hate all 3 but I have addiction to the M word I mentioned earlier. and (again don't know if I should be saying this here), but I have my own fantasies, harmless ones . You can say its a cloth (no I don't cross-dress) , I wear it, jerk off and then I hide it away. To much of my embarrassment, my mom once found it .
Its not an addiction, it is a choice, you choose what to water your mind with, if all you water are the gay porn seeds, then all you will have gay porn plants, your entire ability to feel good about yourself is then tied into these growing plants, if you planted other seeds too, you could have a bit of a balance, being a good son, a good worker, etc.

I promise this is the last time I do it but then soon (maybe a couple of days later), I found myself doing it again.
its really no big deal, most men do it, but to most men the obsession ends at orgasm.

I really want to quit this off. I want a healthier way of coping with my sexuality (I am gay), but it seems like I am from inside a weakened man with a feeble mind . I have a hard time resisting my M urge and my silly (and mildly perverted) fantasies .
actually, I disagree, you are not resisting your urges, you are using mental gymnastics to satisfy them, in fact, you are resisting your urges by playing them out in your head and not in real life, personally, I only ever fantasised about the realistically achievable, but I achieved most of my fantasies. You are no more weak or feeble than the rest of us, just honest.

I am convinced if there's a satan, its inside of us. Its the unhealthy temptations (habitual masturbation, drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling, etc ) that whispers in our mind and we in our impotent rages are unable to do anything concrete against it .

Self-control and resisting temptations only work for so long ! eventually , the devil will get you . Whats the way ? only a habit can kill a habit I
I guess I have to make good ones. Its not easy though . Share your inputs
yes, you are correct, everything is a habit, everything is an education, it is up to you to navigate, plan and implement what you wish out of life
 

Navdeep88

Writer
SPNer
Dec 23, 2009
442
655
1) I Am Not sure if this is the appropriate forum for the issue you present.

Now, for somewhat of an answer. When it comes to the '5 thieves', it's been mentioned quite a bit that Moderation or Appropriate situational use is important. Ie, if there was zero anger, how would we muster up the energy to defend ourselves.

If there was no lust, there would be no children. Although this may not directly relate to what your 'lust' issue is, lust is related to expression of love in a relationship, and therefore valid for every human being in my opinion.

I'm reading this book called 'Adulting' by Kelly Williams Brown. It's nothing 'deep' but a guide to 'growing up'. One of the first things she talks about is the 'snowflake effect'. Growing up EVERYONE tells us how Special we are. Parents, teachers etc that we are Just the Most Special Snowflake in the world. No one else like us. However, she mentions that this has to be let go of to function as an adult. Our focus Must go on others.
 

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