General Tips For Being Less Judgmental Please?

(This post might be better in leisure, but some of the examples I'm about to give might generate some hard talk in themselves.)

I'm putting myself out there with this post. Please be gentle with me!

Can anyone suggest tips for being less judgmental? I will give you a summary of my morning, and perhaps the sangat here can tell me what their internal dialogue might be in these situations (so I might be able to modify my own internal dialogue into something more positive).

I go to a very liberal Gurdwara. It is wonderful in it's openness. However, sometimes things happen which irk me. Today was a record breaker: I counted four individual happenings which irked me. Here's the abbreviated form of what happened:

1. I was sitting in sangat, a young lady (18 y/o perhaps) went to matha tek. She was wearing jeans. I'm over the jeans issue now, people can wear what they like. But when she bowed, she showed the top of her, um, bottom. That irked me.

2 and 3. People and children not covering their heads in darbar sahib (for the whole time or a few minutes thereof).

4. At langar, a family talking about cutting their daughter's hair, and not "forcing" her to keep it. No mention was made of any value of hair in Sikhi.

I don't like this fundamentalist tendency I'm developing. I don't want to be mentally criticising people in my own sangat. I am no better than them, I have a million faults, but I need some tips to help me cultivate a sense of humility in the face of what I perceive to be disrespect or disregard for something I think is so precious.

So, what would your internal dialogue be in these situations? Where can I place my thoughts so I don't have such a self-righteous and irksome attitude when I should be humble?

Thank you for your help!!!

 

Re: Tips for being less judgmental please

Bhenji,

I went through a similar phase month ago when I found all the sikhs round me irked me because they were so damn abrahamic. I tried to tell them, to talk to them, I just made myself out to be some sort of fanatic. They started calling me Gyani Harry behind my back, and making fun of me, because of my views, (see this dogpoo, etc etc)

It is not about being judgemental, it is about allowing other people to worship in whatever manner they wish, and respecting that. Please do not waste your precious time and energy on judging another with only a snippet of information available to you, and by imposing your heartfelt feelings on the lives of another, we are all different, and we all view creator differently, and therefore should be allowed to behave differently,

I am extremely shocked by the behaviour of the young lady doing matha tek in jeans and showing her bottom, I suggest next time you get documentary proof of such events and PM them to me so that I may assist you further in this quest for more modest matha tek.:grinningsingh:

 

Re: Tips for being less judgmental please

Isna Ji Are you sure you were sitting in the sangat,if you sit in something that something means you and it are one.That is the ideal, Perhaps you were just sitting watching it.Out of that sangat how many were there in mind and body,maybe they were all just going through the motions.Not that I'm judging but if that bottom showing happens often I might have to start going more often.

 

Ishna ji

Deep within me a voice is saying that no one should be giving advice as if he/she had grasped the key and could turn the lock for you. But with your indulgence let me share some of my own reflections and reactions, in no particular logical order.

You are already moving away from emotions you distrust just by reflecting and asking questions of yourself. It shows you are open to an inner moral review. A hardcore judgmental person would not do this.

Some of the things you have cited should be questioned. Questioning the rightness of something is not necessarily being judgmental. It may simply demonstrate that you are testing your own moral compass.

Can one or should one give up a sense of right and wrong? And if not, then the wrong should bother us. Or no?

I struggle with different issues in sangat from those you mention. But I still struggle. My sense is that I am being judgmental when my questions lead to feelings of irritation and I want others to change, to be more like me. In other words, I define "judgmental" according to the expectation that others will change to suit my value system.

One thing started to happen, as my irritations grew and I could not ignore the fact that I was the angry one. I was angered by intolerance and still am. I realized that I felt my values were more inclusive and more tolerant, yet I was excluding those who had a different view. What did that contradiction tell me? I kept asking that question. And I realized that I had good reason to have a different set of values....with one hitch. My values, however fine I believed they were, came from the breadth of experiences that I had over an entire lifetime. My life had introduced me to many different cultures and ways of life. These made it possible for me to see beyond the narrow range of experience that others had had. I had been given a gift. So how could I then resent others who had not been likewise blessed? Or who did not even sense that exposure to different ways of life is a blessing? Now these feelings that irk me are starting to subside, as I am able to take back my irritations.

I hope this helps. Do not be so hard on yourself. Emotions evolve and so does one's sense of the place of others in one's life. Give yourself time.

 

Ishna ji,

Guru Fateh.

I understand your frustrations which are valid. A Gurdwara in diaspora have multiple functions especially when the services are held once a week on Sunday. For most of the Punjabis it is more a social gathering than to quench their moral thirst because they claim to parrot Gurbani at home daily and consider their work done because the process makes them think they have become "sin free" now. As Harry ji said, it is the Abrahamical mentality many cultivate.

For many just going to Gurdwara takes care of their bad deeds they may have committed in the past week.

There is a sukhmani Paath done every Sunday in the Gurdwara and I was asked to join them. I gave them the idea that rather than parroting the whole Paath in 45 mins or less, in case we start late so we have to fast forward our reading, why don't we take one verse a week, do our homework on it and discuss is in the gathering the next week. I was vetoed because for the majority it was not "Naam Japnah" and it would take a long time to finish the Paath. So, unfortunately the ritualistic part is still very strong in Sikhi which our Gurus tried to get rid of.

But, the things are changing slowly to better. We have 2 wide screens displays (I have no idea if you have the same in your Gurdwara), where the English Translation of the Shabads being sung are projected that makes it easier for the non Punjabi speaking Sangat which is quite a lot, to accompany and understand the Shabads and it also may give them the chance to think about the message while going back home.

The Hukumnaama is elaborated in a simple way in English for about 15 minutes which has attracted a lot non - Sikh Sangat in our Gurdwara.

Many homeless people are brought in the Gurdwara van every Sunday so we can serve them the Langar. Many stay hungry for days. Some now come on their own earlier, take shower in the Gurdwara, are given a fresh set of clothes and sit is the Darbar Sahib and listen to the Keertan.

We have big bins in which the Sangat donates canned food which is sent to different food banks.

We are participating in the Interfaith Forums now as we did in the 9-11 Memorial Services.

These changes did not come overnight. It came with quite a bit of nudging and a lot more needs to be done but I think we are heading towards the right direction. Our Sangat consists of about 20% non- Sikhs now which includes Hindus, Christians and Jews because they enjoy the atmosphere of equality. Many of them come to the podium and talk about their lives and how being in the Gurdwara has changed them.

Next week the nominated CNN hero from India, the one who was a chef in a 5 star hotel and gave everything up to feed the low caste, down trodden poor of India is coming to the Gurdwara for a fund raiser.

As you are very passionate about Sikhi, I would suggest you to ask the committee members that you would like to talk for about 15 mins every Sunday about your reflections on Sikhi. I am sure the Sangat will be interested in it and one never knows, you can help others turn their own leaves of lives by emulating you. And eventually, you will be able to explain the ladies why it is not appropriate to wear jeans to the Gurdwara.

Give it a shot.

Regards

Tejwant Singh

 

spnadmin ji: you are one blessed and brilliant soul. Who could have stated it any better! Thank you a million times and I 100% agree with you personally on this even though I may not have reached your level of benevolence towards others.

mundahugmundahug (two hugs reserved for spnadmin ji only)

Tejwant Singh ji: Brother in happiness and in anger, I applaud your creativity and positive work as described above. As you say slowness of change is the name of the game but it is always worthwhile. May you be ever more successful and be a role model for other communities and congregations.

Ishna ji: Your sincerity is of great note as you lay out your mind without care for exposure due to the inner goodness that is getting strorger. When we are called to question or possible action, at many times it is based on caring. I know, sometimes it may appear judgmental. Let me put down some feeble comments and possible actions that perhaps one female member of our family may have taken,

1. I was sitting in sangat, a young lady (18 y/o perhaps) went to matha tek. She was wearing jeans. I'm over the jeans issue now, people can wear what they like. But when she bowed, she showed the top of her, um, bottom. That irked me.
I am pretty certain that if my wife was nearby she would have taken a head covering and put it on this girl's behind without caring for consequences. Mentally I would have done that but it would not have been proper for me to do it physically may be I would have asked the not too shy brother Sinner to help if he was around.

2 and 3. People and children not covering their heads in darbar sahib (for the whole time or a few minutes thereof).
Tejwant Singh ji has given a great background on what people expect. I do believe one needs to tell children right things but we got to admit that at times our own minds wander depending on who is dishing out what at the stage.

I believe at the early childhood stage it is important to make Gurdwara a happy experience for little ones so they look forward to going to Gurdwara rather be dragged there. So anything that facilitates that is positive even at times tolerating little indiscretions of the little ones.

4. At langar, a family talking about cutting their daughter's hair, and not "forcing" her to keep it. No mention was made of any value of hair in Sikhi.
If you could have interjected politely perhaps you could have used some polite tactic. For example suggesting that they donate the cut hair to a Cancer charity where they make wigs for people going cancer treatment as people lose hair during some of these treatments. Outside of that I cannot add anything to spnadmin ji's brilliant perspective.

Sat Sri Akal.

PS: Tejwant Singh ji, Harry ji, Ishna ji get 1.5 Hugs, but I don't know how to do right smiley for that yet! Sinner ji is still stuck at 1 hug from me. By the way I am not judging this is just how I feel. mundahug

 

Veer Ji Don't worry about that aspect ,most of your replies are pretty silly anyway but mine are very profound!,

 

Ambarsaria ji

WoW! pyare jio

 

Now this is something that would irk anyone. You could have probably told her in person once she was out of Gurudwara (and no one was around). Thankfully this kind of behavior is still a faux pas for many.

The other thing, do we have to enforce etiquettes on people how to be in Gurudwara? Probably yes. But are we up to the mark to exert authority on others?

If they don't know why they have to cover their heads, they won't remember to do so! Is it just for giving respect to Guru? And do all come to Gurudwara have full respect for Guru? If yes, probably they would be more aware of facts in Guru's presence. Sadly 'Meet-The-Guru' is now a small agenda on going to Gurudwara exercise. We are diluting the whole purpose of going there by engaging in what not.

It is good that with help from Guru's teachings and self-evaluation you are maintaining that fine balance.

True, if you feel someone disrespects your Guru, you have to take a stand for it! But what if they say the Guru is theirs too and they are not disrespecting it?

Sadly I too would look for like minded people. Who would agree with what I think. And stop sitting and talking with those whose views I don't like. What will it lead to? It will lead to 'cracks' in the Sangat.

First I thought if you try and give good example, people will change. It is not so, there are many young ones who do incredible kirtan and Paath. But no one gets inspired and tries to learn themselves. This is because they don't come to Gurudwara looking for that. So they don't notice that.

Gurudwara is just a place where you will find some Sikhs with higher or different lifestyle (like Sewadars, Granthis, Paathi Sikhs, Raagis etc.) and they are no longer a part of the mainstream Sikh lifestyle. So most of the things you are expected to see or do at Gurudwara, are just for Gurudwara. It is like when you enter court to follow the etiquettes of the place (or some of it) and you are your own when you are out.

To be One person in all places. To think and talk the same in all places, that is very hard to achieve. Till then the Gurudwara is just another place with different set of rules along with workplace, home, friends place, relatives house, hotel etc.

What a Sikh has to realize that Gurudwara teaches you how your lifestyle has to be, and you take your lifestyle in Sangat and spread it to all other places. Ah the Divergence of Living (could be my next blog title!).

 

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

"The True Sikhs of the Guru go to Gurdwara to pray, to learn something, to do Darshan of the Guru and His Sangat, to do some sewa, to listen to the Guru’s Kirten and HIS messages. The Gurdwara is their spiritual life. They don’t bother with the gossip, the fashion, the show offs etc. They sit straight with full concentration ( inner focus ); listen to the Kirten, Katha, Ardas and hukum attentively. They respect everyone and get respect themselves. They don’t care what others think of them and don’t waste time thinking of others or judging them. They don’t care if there are very few people in this category. All they care is what the Guru thinks of them and thus endeavor to please the Guru. Every Sikh is accountable directly to the Guru for his / her actions or inactions!"

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Gary Zukav : How To Stop Judging Others

According to Gary, when we judge others, it is because we are seeing the world the way we want to see it — not the way it is. When you judge, it can affect your body physically and cause you pain. Judging others is a result of your own feelings of inferiority. Rather than experiencing and addressing the pain of your feelings, it's easier to judge others.

In a moment of judgment, you are experiencing the feeling of powerlessness. Gary says most people don't take the time to become aware of that feeling of powerlessness, instead we lash out to keep from feeling the pain. According to Gary, when you judge, you're trying to change another person, and in turn, trying to make yourself feel more powerful.

To get past the judging, Gary says you must make the effort to see what you're actually feeling, instead of acting out. To get to the heart of your judging, Gary explains, you must do some inner work, and have the determination to look at yourself with clarity. You must go deep inside yourself. Until you find the root of this painful experience and heal it, it will continue to recur.

Another effective way to challenge your urge to judge, according to Gary, is to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Once you begin to see through their eyes, your perception of them will change. As you do this more often, you will gain strength and power, which Gary says are some of the keys to a more joyful life.

Gary explains that it's not imperative that you stop judging. However, if you don't stop, you will simply continue to create the same consequences in your life. Judging does not bring you joy. It brings pain and blocks you from giving the gifts you were born to give. Gary says that if you do decide to challenge the judging, you will create consequences that are more nourishing, more fruitful, and more empowering for you.

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How to Stop Judging Other People
By: Brian Kim

Let’s face it.

We all do it.

We judge. We like to label others. Put them in boxes. We don’t like “undefined” people.

We extrapolate based on our interactions and observations.

Judging makes us feel safe, comfortable because we’ve “defined” a person and because we have that definition, we know how to act accordingly. We move on to the next person and do the same until our entire social circle is defined. It helps give us a sense of control, of safety and you could probably trace it back to primal days when we needed to make quick snap judgments of another person in terms of whether or not they posed a threat.

But despite our best efforts to judge, we all know deep down inside we can’t really judge another person.

The most obvious reason?

Who are we to judge?

Seriously.

If you think about it, nobody can really say they themselves can rightfully judge another.

But aside from that obvious reason, another foolish reason to judge is this:

We don’t know the whole story.

It’s foolish to assume we know everything there is to know about a person without knowing the back story. One observation, one interaction, one action, or even several of those shouldn’t become the basis for our judgments of others but we often peg our judgments on just that.

Those are some of the more obvious reasons we shouldn’t judge.

Yet we still do, and the subtle reason in terms of why we judge is that what we’re “confirming” ourselves in a sense when we do it. It’s a built in mental defense mechanism.

If others are living the lives we are, they’re good people. The people that aren’t – they’re ignorant, bad, not doing the right thing, etc.

Realize this:

The act of judging another person REFLECTS VASTLY MORE ON THE PERSON JUDGING than the person being judged.

We tend to project our own values and beliefs on others and if others fall in line with what we value and believe, we judge them as “good” and the rest “bad”. Then we treat the two groups accordingly.

It’s a fail safe mechanism to convince ourselves that the way we are living is “right” and that others who don’t match are “wrong”.

Classic example.

The person who judges those who have a ton of money as dishonest, greedy, backstabbing, etc.

But really, what you’re seeing is what that person thinks a person must do to come into a lot of money. It reflects their belief system. You see the person judging A LOT MORE clearly than the person being judged. Flip the tables.
Those with a ton of money judging those who don’t as lazy, incompetent, unworthy, etc.

Again, it’s a reflection more on what they believe money stands for, where their values lie, etc.

And of course, the back stories.

Perhaps the person judging those with a ton of money has had unpleasant experiences with those kinds of people.

Perhaps the person well off was brought up in an environment where he saw people not working at all, just gaming the system, and living off the government.

There’s certainly a lot going on beneath the surface when it comes to judging. It’s not as cut and dry as we would like it to be.

So how do you free yourself from this natural urge to judge?

Like I said before, if you think about it, nobody has the ABSOLUTE right to judge.

Nobody.

And everybody as a story.

EVERYBODY.

It’s stupid to judge in the first place, but even should you decide to judge, it’s stupid to do so without knowing that story. Everyone has a story that shapes who they are and why they do the things you do.

But even if you still judge after knowing the story or still judge without knowing the story, realize that you are just speaking volumes about yourself when you judge.

Instead of judging, just accept.

Acceptance is the key.

We are not judge and jury. It’s arrogant for one individual to judge everybody. Just accept the fact that everyone has a story and everyone has free will to decide what they want to do, how they want to live their life, and that it’s all relative to their story, values and beliefs.

Accept that.

And if you want to go a step further to deepen the relationship, seek to understand by learning about their story.

It will give you great perspective on what that person is all about.

The thing is, the minute you start judging, you’re walking on very thin ice because it becomes so damn easy to judge yourself.

And as we all know, there’s way too much stress in that.

When you accept and understand others, it’s so much easier to accept and understand yourself.

When we stop judging others, we become less critical of others and in doing so, less critical of ourselves.

We become less influenced by the judgment of others because we realize that nobody has the right to judge another and even though people still judge us – they don’t know the whole story so their judgments lie on faulty foundations.
And even should they choose to stick to their judgments and act on them, we know that it’s speaking volumes more about them than ourselves.

A funny thing happens when you stop judging too.

Opportunities come knocking down your door.

When you accept others, SO MANY doors begin to open, whereas before, you would’ve closed them BECAUSE OF YOUR JUDGMENTS.

People are one of the greatest gateways to opportunities and when you ACCEPT another, which is something rare these days, you open a door instead of closing it by judging, and in the process, bank a lot of goodwill indirectly, which can translate into opportunity.

Another great thing that happens when you stop judging is the “social weight” of fearing how others will judge you should you decide to take a different direction in life than the masses, gets lifted right off your shoulder
It evaporates.

You feel FREE.

FREE from the social judgment of others, even though you know they still do it.
Before, when you judged, you could “extrapolate” what the mental chatter would be of those who judged you because you yourself were judging.

But when you stop judging, that mental chatter that fuels the fear of how others will judge you and act toward you accordingly – it changes.

Into what exactly?

First, you realize they don’t have the right to judge at all but you know in reality they still do it. But you realize it could be anything really. Before, when you were judging, you always assumed the worst case scenario.

But now you don’t know for sure.

Why?

You realize you don’t know the whole story of the people you think are judging you.

Why waste your time trying to figure out what’s going on in someone else’s head? For all you know, it could be the complete opposite of what you think. Or they may not even be thinking of you at all!

And because you don’t know their entire stories for sure which means you don’t know how they will judge, you feel FREE.

So you let it go. It doesn’t bother you at all.

And you keep on doing what you want to do, free from the heavy weight of the judgment ball.

 

Soul Ji,That has got to be the longest tip I've ever read, it was more like 17 tips.Oh damn I was being judge-mental,I think we are ,where our attention is,so if your attention is at the bottom displayed, then you might be there, instead of there in the Darbar Sahib .
(just incase anyone brings that up later.Yeah I'm a mind reader not a bottom feeder!)

 

Thanks everyone for your replies. Please forgive me if I don't respond to you directly here:

Harry bhaji: I don't think I'd ever have the courage to say anything to those people! It's just what goes through my mind. You said it's about letting people worship how they want to, without judging that... that's where I get stuck in my black-and-white thinking, where my brain goes "but the rule is THIS, and they're doing THAT". I'd make a very good Muslim, I think!

But you probably make a good point, that I should just let go and let be.

You and Sinner jio both make typical male comments - if you get that kind of display in Darbar Sahib, top points for the experience! I'm sure you're both saying it in jest (at least that's the reality I choose to believe, haha), but I'm not so irritated that she displayed her bottom like that, because personally I don't care and I don't think it matters one iota to Guruji, but I feel so sorry for the men in the sangat who might have seen that and it may have unsettled their focus.

SPNadmin ji, thanks for the reassurance. I don't think I want people to change to be more like me, I want them to follow the rules, like I'm trying to follow the rules. That sounds horrible. And hypocritical, because there will be a lot of people who follow the rules a lot better than me, and they probably look at me and go, "pfft, what a disrespect, she's still got pierced ears, she doesn't know how to recite anything past the 5th pauri of japji Sahib, she doesn't pray 7 nitnem bania per day, she doesn't bathe in cold water at 3am..."... Actually, thank you for bringing me down this thought-path, admin ji, because I've just realised people are at different places on the path. That shouldn't bother me. I should be concerning myself with those further up the path than me, not catching up behind. And they are at that place due to hukam anyway. Thanks!

Tejwant ji: Wow your Gurdwara sounds so cool! I think my Gurdwara Sahib has a long way to go before it catches up to yours.

Your comment about talking to the sangat got me thinking, and I will continue to ponder it, but I think it may come across as a bit of hubris, the only "white convert" in the sangat talking to Punjabi Sikhs about their own religion!! Maybe one day, but definately not yet. I would be more comfortable writing a short column for the newsletter. Maybe I'll ponder that!

Ambarsaria: hehe, your wife must be brave. I won't dare! And thank you for your comment about children and their experiences with Gurdwara. I just worry, childhood is also a teaching time, and having fun is one thing, but isn't it important to teach them the times when you need to be serious for a minute? I dunno. I'm not a mother of small children, it really is not for me to speculate on such issues. So that settles that!

I am far too shy during langar, I barely make eye contact with the person I sit opposite to! I just scoff my langar and get into the kitchen where I feel more comfortable doing seva with others. One of the parts I removed from my first post was that the mum referred to her child's hair as being 'just a mop on her head'... again I shouldn't comment on child-rearing having never been there myself, but the attitude just seemed so... not Sikh. ... I'm doing it again! Remember the path Ishna, just keep looking forward.

Kanwaljit ji: You're right, it is still a faux pas... she's the first person I've seen do it. She probably didn't realise her top would slide that far when she bowed. She probably didn't even think of it, let alone do it maliciously. Perhaps she stayed the night at a friend's house and didn't have any more appropriate clothing.

LOVED your comment on being one person in all places. And it got me thinking, I am so many different people in different places! At work I am generally steady and the same... at home I am absorbed in the Internet (probably to an unhealthy degree)... at Gurdwara I am meek and respectful... visiting family I am full of beans and looking for cheap laughs... I will ponder this for a while!

Soul_Jyot ji, I need to read your offering again!

Thanks again everyone for your valuable contributions.

 

to repeat and repeat and repeat.... it cannot be said often enough...otherwise the gift of sadhsangat is wasted...sangat is with people and with the Guru.