I sometimes feel like I should strive to go back to my home : god , the home of all of us. After all, the world seems like a bundle of sufferings , isn't it ? Wherever you look , people suffering. Sufferings at physical , mental , financial , social , political levels. Isn't it better to cut the chase and never having to come back in this world ? We have been hearing of "param-anand" (the greatest bliss) for so long and we also have been told its incomprehensible, saints experienced it but they couldn't describe it. It can't be described but can only be experienced and to experience is it to be struck with awe . You have also been told that paramanand is result of cessation of all desires , ego , attachment, greed and anger . It is merging of individual soul back into god who is 'sat-chit-anand'(eternal, consciousness and bliss). It sounds so nice , so you start to make efforts to reach that destination . You have also been told its only by the grace of god and not your own efforts that will take you to your destination. Your efforts may lead to his mercy on you though. So we attempt to meditate on god's name , which is believed to be the ticket to eternal bliss , even if once uttered and heard, 'satnam waheguru' would bring liberation. There's one catch though : "you have to hear it will your mind intact and 100% concentrated. your mind shouldn't be split in multiple places" . but getting your mind at one spot . Its tough ! very tough. "Ek chit je ek chhin dheyayo, kaal faas ke bich na aayo" (One who meditates on lord's name even for a split second , with all focus intact , shall never have to die (because of being born) again " - Guru Gobind Singh ji So you attempt doing paath , doing simran and stuff. Since you're attempting a baby's walk at this tough and noble path , you try to control your sexuality as well because its bad if outside marriage, outside the realm of procreation, isn't it ? and being gay, marriage being not for me, I guess all sexual-related stuff is taboo for me. I shouldn't even be thinking about them. I for the first time in my life haven't "touched myself" (sorry for lack of better word) for more than a month in a row ! Although thoughts of sexual nature still come in my mind and I end up googling things I shouldn't , I haven't spilled my seed (again sorry for being a little explicit but how else do I describe things?!) This could be considered one step forward Now here's one step backward : Its hard to control sexuality , its hard to live a saintly life , its hard .. Somewhere from the recess of your mind, come back thoughts storming you "You are wasting your life" , "How do you know its real?" You begin to wonder , to worry , you wonder for how long you can live celibate like a frigging nun ! And then for a life time ! it sounds tough already. Saints might have enjoyed eternal bliss but their lives seem boring . And then ofcourse the look of a handsome man is enough to bring lustful and kaami thoughts back in the mind. This is step backward Man indeed keeps one step forward, one backward. He doesn't go anywhere , does he ? Its like the churning of mind, a tug-of-war and then you actually begin to feel how your thoughts, the five thieves in you have such a big grip on your life ! for the first time I felt how a soul is so helpless in the face of kaam. I for once felt the dire need of not having to waste this lifetime , but then I feel like "Why can't I get a haircut ? I can come to the guru ji afterwards as well. I need to look hot and start dating dudes " For the first time in my life, I can feel consciously the tug of war the mind endures .