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Need Advise For Marriage.


Aug 13, 2018
Waheguru ji ka Khalsa Waheguru ji ke fateh!

I am new to this post and have never seeked advise like this before please do not judge or be rude. I just need guidance and teachings from gurbani to help me ease the pain i am in.

I have had a very rough childhood where my father was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive towards my mother, sister and I. Due to this reason we have dealt with severe depression and anxiety issues. My sister and I never really learned how to deal with emotions or how to solve life issues. We were not allowed to meet anyone or to even have link to the outside world. If we did we would have to hear a lot of things related to our character. We hear all this till today without even doing anything wrong. My waheguru knows that we do not do anything bad. At the age of 23, I got married thinking that my life would be better and that I would have a married life that my parents did not.

A life full of respect, love, compromise and understanding. Before I married my husband I had liked someone I went to school with and wanted to marry him. But due to unfortunate events we could not. I did not want to cheat anyone especially the individual I was going to spend my life with. So, I told my husband what I expected from my married life and partner. Someone who would stand up for me, help me in household chores and responsibilities, as I believe in part taking equally in everything. Whether it is household work, responsibility of kids or decision making. It is not only the responsibility of the wife to cater to all the household needs, hold a profession and then also be responsible for kids. At that point he confirmed and assured me that this is what he also wants and understands my needs. Soon after we got married, he started to blackmail me about my past which I opened up about. He would torment me everyday about it using derogatory and disgusting swear words. His physical abuse came on board and slowly he started to show what he truly was. He never assisted in anything whether it is related to household matters, or matters of the outside. Fights became regular about everything because I was expecting him to be the husband he said he would be. I would always be angry with him. I tried telling him what I need from him, what will make me happy and how our marriage can get better. But nothing from his side. It has been three years now and I have a beautiful daughter. My husband and I have drifted so much apart that I no longer want to stay in touch with him.

Just recently he hit me and I decided to leave and stay with my parents. His parents are here from India just to visit. Everything got worst since they have been here. My husband shares everything with his parents whether its financial or personal, which I am not okay with. I myself do not share anything with my parents as it is my personal matter. I have tried to explain this to him on many occasions but he doesn't seem to understand. I am at a point in life where the stress and anxiety are getting the better of me. It has started to affect my health. I have no support from my father and never did. I have to hear regular taney ( taunts) from my father about staying with him. I feel like I have no where to turn.

At this point I'm scared of my husband and his family and do not wish to go back. It is in the hands of the husband how his wife builds relationships with his family. If he insults her in front of his parents/relatives then I don't think there is anything even left in the relationship. In gurbani the relationship between and husband and wife is very sacred. I have done everything possible for my husband whether it is support for himself or his family. Went out of my way to do everything. When you do so much for someone and you get nothing in return it is heartbreaking especially when you know that it is your husband. But in my case I can't even share anything with my husband without him throwing things in my face the next time he has anger fits or his physical abuse. I am not saying that I have never made mistakes. Yes, I have also made mistakes in the relationship but not to the extent where I became physically/verbally abusive. I had a very hard time coping with my childhood problems that now I have this to cope with. I want to give my daughter a good life, a peaceful life that I didn't have.

I am lost and I do not know what to do anymore. Sarey kehendey ney baba ji dey ghar der hai andher nahi. But I sometimes wonder is this even true.

Please guide me to the right path with gurbani. What can I do to ease my situation and mind.

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Shabad Vichaar by SPN'ers

The shabd under discussion in this article is composed by Guru Teg Bahadur ji and is contained on Page 633 of the SGGS. The complete shabd is as follows:

ਸੋਰਿਠ ਮਹਲਾ ੯॥...​

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