Need Advice. Sikhi In Relationships | Sikh Philosophy Network
  • Welcome to all New Sikh Philosophy Network Forums!
    Explore Sikh Sikhi Sikhism...
    Sign up Log in

Need Advice. Sikhi In Relationships

Jaya

SPNer
Nov 17, 2011
7
1
GURU FATEH

M in love wid a Sikh guy i myslf cum from a mona punjabi family.. I want to accept sikhism completely by taking amrit but my father dsnt support me.. N my bf's family r luking for a girl who is deeply into sikhi.. His family wont approve of me easily dey also are amritdharis n very deeply into sikhi.. Its been 1 and a half years since we are together since then i hav kept all my kesh [i mean all].. m trying my best to be widin sikhi n be involved in it but my guy is not really satisfied wid my progress.. i need help pls... he feels dat i shud be sum1 in whose talks sikhi reflects... m in my teenage right now n its a bit difficult to resist from movies n songs coz i was very used to them.. bt m tryng now my phone has more shabads than songs n i rarely watch movies... pls suggest me sum inspirational stories or may be a gud book.. i really luv him n sikhism also n i feel dat my effrts are fine [though m sure m a moorakh to think that way] ... bt wen i see dat unsatisfied tone in his voice i feel disheartened... pls its a request help me wid wtever u think can help me in this journey...
Thanx
 
Last edited by a moderator:

amritsari

SPNer
Nov 17, 2011
1
1
Re: need advice

Sikhi is much bigger than me, you, your bf or his family. Please do not mix your faith and humans together.

Ask your self, if you would you like to be a sikh. if he is not in your life. If answer is yes, then do sukhmani sahib paath and simran 'every day' and do not expect anything in return. You shall see all will be well.

If your answer is 'no', do not get disheartened, you are just a teenager and a human being. Your he is probably hinting to it.

Either way, you should do sukhmani sahib path and simran every day.

From your description, it seems that you are putting more emphasis on how to look like a sikh and please him and his family, it is more important to be first be sikh from inside, your looks will transform automatically.

Remember, 'jah muskal hovai at bhaaree. har ko naam khin maahi uDhaaree" - from Sukhmani Sahib - 2nd Ashtapadee
 
Oct 21, 2009
451
895
India
Re: need advice

As per my little experience the chances are slim to none that this kind of marriage would work. Social adjustments and religious differences are too much and take the toll of human being esp. the girl as she is the new comer.
Boy's parents generally do not approve of such marriages .They can be compelled only and they usually bow to the pleadings of the boy. But post marriage adjustments is a grey area and would require you to forget your individuality as well Your parents may also not approve of living the way sikhs lead their religious life.
There will be lot of friction between the parents of both side and you would be lucky if they exchange visits after marriage.
Please take a considered decision after exercising due diligence and analyzing pros and cons.In your case problem is double as you are considering a boy from Amritdhari family.
No one can guide in these personal matters. I have also given an opinion that is based on my experience with dealing few cases of divorce. Hence it is also a subjective not meant to discourage you at all.
 

Harry Haller

SPNer
Jan 31, 2011
5,762
8,156
50
Re: need advice

Jayaji,

My advice would be to run a mile from this family and find someone who accepts you for what you are, and whose family welcomes you with open arms.

The comments I find worrying are

Im trying my best to be widin sikhi n be involved in it but my guy is not really satisfied wid my progress.. i need help pls... he feels dat i shud be sum1 in whose talks sikhi reflects

bt wen i see dat unsatisfied tone in his voice i feel disheartened

If you carry on this path, you will end up losing yourself, you will lose all self respect, all ambition, all sense of self, this family sounds like the Borg from Star Trek, and I have seen many families like them, they assimilate, they strip, they will change your name, tell you what to do, how to act, all in the name of being amritdhari. A true Amritdhari sikh, contrary to what is popular opinion is not someone who is 'reeply religious' or who follows the rituals and does the things that make them a sikh, a true amritdhari is a caring person who lives life by the tenants of Gurbani, of love, respect, compassion, if your boyfriend is Amritdhari, then he is behaving more like a fanatical chauvinist.

How are you ever going to be on equal terms in this relationship? I think life with this family will be hard work for you, I think you should go back to being a teenager, and enjoying life, and then, if you ever feel the spiritual urge, explore sikhi at your leisure, not as a way of winning a heart

Remember out there is someone who will accept you with no strings, and without trying to make you feel bad about yourself, who will love you as you are,

Good luck
 

Jaya

SPNer
Nov 17, 2011
7
1
Re: need advice

Jayaji,

My advice would be to run a mile from this family and find someone who accepts you for what you are, and whose family welcomes you with open arms.

The comments I find worrying are

Im trying my best to be widin sikhi n be involved in it but my guy is not really satisfied wid my progress.. i need help pls... he feels dat i shud be sum1 in whose talks sikhi reflects

bt wen i see dat unsatisfied tone in his voice i feel disheartened

If you carry on this path, you will end up losing yourself, you will lose all self respect, all ambition, all sense of self, this family sounds like the Borg from Star Trek, and I have seen many families like them, they assimilate, they strip, they will change your name, tell you what to do, how to act, all in the name of being amritdhari. A true Amritdhari sikh, contrary to what is popular opinion is not someone who is 'reeply religious' or who follows the rituals and does the things that make them a sikh, a true amritdhari is a caring person who lives life by the tenants of Gurbani, of love, respect, compassion, if your boyfriend is Amritdhari, then he is behaving more like a fanatical chauvinist.

How are you ever going to be on equal terms in this relationship? I think life with this family will be hard work for you, I think you should go back to being a teenager, and enjoying life, and then, if you ever feel the spiritual urge, explore sikhi at your leisure, not as a way of winning a heart

Remember out there is someone who will accept you with no strings, and without trying to make you feel bad about yourself, who will love you as you are,

Good luck


Harry ji thanx a lot for ur reply.. i know wat u r saying is absolutely correct logically... but my heart doesn't wanna agree.. M a girl who is confused as to whom she shud listen her mind or her heart... all that u hav said is completely true.. i already feel that way...
M jst trying to figure out wat exactly i want... thanx
 

Jaya

SPNer
Nov 17, 2011
7
1
Re: need advice

As per my little experience the chances are slim to none that this kind of marriage would work. Social adjustments and religious differences are too much and take the toll of human being esp. the girl as she is the new comer.
Boy's parents generally do not approve of such marriages .They can be compelled only and they usually bow to the pleadings of the boy. But post marriage adjustments is a grey area and would require you to forget your individuality as well Your parents may also not approve of living the way sikhs lead their religious life.
There will be lot of friction between the parents of both side and you would be lucky if they exchange visits after marriage.
Please take a considered decision after exercising due diligence and analyzing pros and cons.In your case problem is double as you are considering a boy from Amritdhari family.
No one can guide in these personal matters. I have also given an opinion that is based on my experience with dealing few cases of divorce. Hence it is also a subjective not meant to discourage you at all.

I know m sure der will be a lot of problems n a lot of friction between our families as well.. but i can't imagine myself without this guy.. n pls dnt think that this religion thing is jst for him.. after watching Bhai Taru Singh jee's movie i decided to never get my hairs cut n dat was way before this guy came into my life.. I also luv my religion but obviously not as much as he does.. anyways m going to keep trying coz i myself wanna becum a Sikhni..
Thanx for ur advice
 

Jaya

SPNer
Nov 17, 2011
7
1
Re: Need advice...

By the way the main help was to refer me to sum inspirational articles or some good sites or may be a good book... But really thanx for all ur advices..:happykudi:
 

Harry Haller

SPNer
Jan 31, 2011
5,762
8,156
50
Re: Need advice...

Little sister,

Reading between the lines, it souds to me like this very religious chap has worn you down to the point that you would throw away yourself to be part of his life, this is not love, love is equal and goes in two different directions, do not make this into a choice between heart and head, it is not, neither is it about 'love', you are dependent on this boy, you feel you will be nothing without him, you are preparing yourself for either a life of servitude or loss, neither of which is particularly appealing, I would give you one more thought to think about, if you need him, like you may think you do, then that is not love, that is need, and they are two different things, love grows, love conquers, love can win everything over, but need, need is different, need is like a drug, you cannot explain why you need him, you just know you need him, like a drug, he has watched you become more and more in need of him, and in my view, he has abused this, he should have held your hand and walked with you as equals, so that need did not come into it, but I think you have been manipulated into becoming needy, with the next step complete slavery

You seem an intelligent girl, little sis, please take a step back, and try remember what life was like before this relationship, remember how free you were, how you found pleasure in lots of things, not just him, how many many things brought a smile to your face, please try and remember that for me, and then make a decision based on what you know in your heart, and what you think you know in your head,

strangely enough, this argument is between your head and your heart, but it is your heart that wants freedom, your head does not believe you can exist alone, independent and strong, it has been fooled, reclaim it , be yourself again

If I am way off then I apologise, I am writing it as I remember it when I was your age, good luck
 

Mai Harinder Kaur

Mentor
Writer
SPNer
Oct 6, 2006
1,755
2,732
67
British Columbia, Canada
Re: need advice

Harry ji thanx a lot for ur reply.. i know wat u r saying is absolutely correct logically... but my heart doesn't wanna agree.. M a girl who is confused as to whom she shud listen her mind or her heart... all that u hav said is completely true.. i already feel that way...
M jst trying to figure out wat exactly i want... thanx
When you have begun to mature as a Sikh, you will no longer be in conflict with yourself,:swordfight-kudiyan:

your heart and your mind will not be in conflict; they will work together in tandem. When that happens you will know exactly what to do.

:afriends2:
 

Mai Harinder Kaur

Mentor
Writer
SPNer
Oct 6, 2006
1,755
2,732
67
British Columbia, Canada
Re: Need advice...

By the way the main help was to refer me to sum inspirational articles or some good sites or may be a good book... But really thanx for all ur advices..:happykudi:
That may be what you want, but what you really need IMO, is to look inside. Work on becoming a more mature Sikh and the only source you will need to consult is Guru ji, SGGS ji.

Have you discussed this with Guruji (taken a hukamnama)? That would be one concrete step in the right direction.
 

Chinu

SPNer
Oct 22, 2011
64
26
39
GURU FATEH

M in love wid a Sikh guy i myslf cum from a mona punjabi family.. I want to accept sikhism completely by taking amrit but my father dsnt support me.. N my bf's family r luking for a girl who is deeply into sikhi.. His family wont approve of me easily dey also are amritdharis n very deeply into sikhi.. Its been 1 and a half years since we are together since then i hav kept all my kesh [i mean all].. m trying my best to be widin sikhi n be involved in it but my guy is not really satisfied wid my progress.. i need help pls... he feels dat i shud be sum1 in whose talks sikhi reflects... m in my teenage right now n its a bit difficult to resist from movies n songs coz i was very used to them.. bt m tryng now my phone has more shabads than songs n i rarely watch movies... pls suggest me sum inspirational stories or may be a gud book.. i really luv him n sikhism also n i feel dat my effrts are fine [though m sure m a moorakh to think that way] ... bt wen i see dat unsatisfied tone in his voice i feel disheartened... pls its a request help me wid wtever u think can help me in this journey...
Thanx
There one traditional boli in punjabi, I think you must learn this:
Ni main Sas kutni ikk nim da ghotna lyadi.... 0:)
Catch this here: Ni Main Sas Kutni - Heera Group (Kumar) - YouTube
 

Chinu

SPNer
Oct 22, 2011
64
26
39
hahaha .. thanx but m sure my saas wont force me to sing such a song for her...:happykudi:
Than... I think your saas is not a true punjabi women. :grinningsingh:
"Kiyo K saas bhi kabi bahu thi":swordfight-kudiyan:
 

swati

SPNer
May 22, 2010
24
30
INDIA
Than... I think your saas is not a true punjabi women. :grinningsingh:
"Kiyo K saas bhi kabi bahu thi":swordfight-kudiyan:

Wat r u talking about?? i mean her question was sumthng else... dont u think ur answer must be relevant to the question asked if u r trying to help??
And anyways pls dont make personal statements here.. especially about others...
Bhul Chuk maaf
 

Jaya

SPNer
Nov 17, 2011
7
1
Than... I think your saas is not a true punjabi women. :grinningsingh:
"Kiyo K saas bhi kabi bahu thi":swordfight-kudiyan:

Yes please even i wud not appreciate any such comments or statements about.. sorry if m sounding rude bt pls dnt make such statements..
 

Create an account or login to comment

You must be a member in order to leave a comment

Create account

Create an account on our community. It's easy!

Log in

Already have an account? Log in here.

Featured Shabad

Guru Arjan Dev composed several shabads in which he spoke of his son Hargobind, speaking of joy at his birth and praise and thanksgiving when Waheguru saved the child from fever. Guru ji also...

SPN on Facebook

...
Top