Marriage-Family-Acceptance

[Maximum]

First off, thanks for letting me join this forum. I hope I posted it in the right place. I am hoping for some advice or opinions on this topic and I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I am a white girl that is currently seeing a Sikh male. I have no religion, but am open to, and not against it. I have gone and essentially fallen in love with this guy. I did not know in the beginning to ask about any cultural differences. Call me stupid or naive or whatever, but I grew up in a town of mostly whites and it was not until I moved that I started being around other races. BTW, I hope that doesnt sound racist or anything! I have nothing against anyone! Anyways, so, when we started seeing each other, I didn't know to ask about religion or culture or anything like that. About 1.5-2 months ago he started saying he had something to tell me but kept stalling on telling me. By then I had talked to friends who knew more than me about the different cultures and so I had an idea that he was going to tell me it was time for him to get married. The day came and he told me his family is pressuring him to marry and how he doesn't want to, but that he doesn't want to hurt anyone. We have grown to respect and love each other and we just get along so well, he is such a kind man. He left for India a bit ago and has plans to tell his entire family about me while he is there. Is there any hope at all for us to be able to continue on? What if I am willing to learn the language, religion and culture? Is there a steadfast rule against this, or does it depend on the individual family? He has said his family is not ''like that'' and probably would not care that I am white, but I am sure they probably have an East Indian girl in mind for him, ideally. This is heart wrenching for me. :8-

Any thoughts would be most welcome, and thanks for reading.

~Carrie


----------------------------------------
----------------------------------------

 

[kds1980]

first of all maximum welcome to the spn

there is no steadfast rule against marrying non indians.it truly depends on the attituide of the family.unfortunately majority of indians think that whites are characterless shameless persons so it is really hard for an indian family
to accept a white as their daughter-in-law.but if your boyfriend truly loves you then he has to convince his family about you.this is a real test for
your boyfriend's love.

 

[chk1]

Hi carrie, welcome to spn!

It's good to know what you're up against, you have realised that its not so easy for a white person to marry a sikh (or asian in general). Generally it does depend upon his family, whether they are more liberal or conservative. It is not rare for a white person to marry a sikh, in my family i have a few relatives who have married a white person and to be honest they have blended in perfectly with our family and are not seen or treated as outcasts. What you both need to get across to his parents is that it is not the colour of skin, or religion that matter, it is the fact that you are a nice person, deserve to be with him and i would suggest that he tries to introduce you to his family, and that they try to get to know you before agreeing to anything. They would be sort of meeting him half way. I feel sorry for you, because i understand how difficult it must be for you, but try to remain positive. Although the majority of sikh parents find it very hard to let their children marry out of the religion or somebody of another culture, i am sure if they are willing to atleast meet you and perhaps your parents they could try and let go of their unwillingness to allow you to marry into their family.n Once the fear has gone its a matter of dissolving the pride and stubborness. It's a difficult situation but nothing is impossible!
Take care, and best of luck with it I hope it all goes well for you.

Charan

 

[Maximum]

Thanks for replying! It is very hard to know he is in India right now and that the outcome of this situation is not known to me. He told me that when he moved here, he was told by cousins or whatever, to stay away from white girls because they were 'no good', and he said now that he has met me, his mind has been changed about that; he can see what a good person I am and that I am his best friend ::

My other question is, before he left, I did not ask what he was going to tell his family about me. He is feeling so much pressure about this, I didn't want to stress him out even more. So, when he calls from India, should I ask what he is going to tell them, or just let him tell them in his own words? Should I tell him what I would like them to know? I want him to emphasize that I am open the Sikh culture and learning, that I would be happy to meet them all and that I do have true feelings for their son/brother/cousin, that this isn't just some passing thing. Should I tell him to tell them that before they decide anything, they should meet me? I think part of the point of going to India this time was for him to probably get married so their might not be time to meet me. If he is able to check his email there, maybe I should tell him I will write out whatI am feeling.:8-

 

[Lionchild]

Thanks for replying! It is very hard to know he is in India right now and that the outcome of this situation is not known to me. He told me that when he moved here, he was told by cousins or whatever, to stay away from white girls because they were 'no good', and he said now that he has met me, his mind has been changed about that; he can see what a good person I am and that I am his best friend ::

My other question is, before he left, I did not ask what he was going to tell his family about me. He is feeling so much pressure about this, I didn't want to stress him out even more. So, when he calls from India, should I ask what he is going to tell them, or just let him tell them in his own words? Should I tell him what I would like them to know? I want him to emphasize that I am open the Sikh culture and learning, that I would be happy to meet them all and that I do have true feelings for their son/brother/cousin, that this isn't just some passing thing. Should I tell him to tell them that before they decide anything, they should meet me? I think part of the point of going to India this time was for him to probably get married so their might not be time to meet me. If he is able to check his email there, maybe I should tell him I will write out whatI am feeling.:8-

Welcome to SPN Maximum!

Anyways, its a real shame that this can happen, i really hope that this works out. Honestly, alot of converts and other people feel the same way, its just so hard to get into this community. One thing i would be aware of, is that regardless of learning another persons culture, language, religion, it wont really make a difference in the eyes of the parents. Your man that is india has already accepted you, from what i hear. There is no need to please the parents in this dicision, as it is you and your boyfriends life.

 

[Maximum]

The thing is, as much as we like each other, I don't think he will go against his parents. So, I think it basically has to be, they are ok with it, or he comes back with a wife. :8-

 

[Lionchild]

The thing is, as much as we like each other, I don't think he will go against his parents. So, I think it basically has to be, they are ok with it, or he comes back with a wife. :8-

Well its always a good idea not to bottle up your feelings, as it can do alot of damage to yourself.

What are his parents like? Are they gursikh?

 

[Maximum]

Can I ask a stupid question? What is a gursikh?

He actually only has a Mother left and so the family is wanting her to have someone around to care for her while he is at work or away or whatever. He has asked me to come to his house and meet her before but I never did, as she does not speak English and I do not speak Punjabi. At the time I thought it would be awkward, but now I am thinking I could learn all these things.

 

[kds1980]

Can I ask a stupid question? What is a gursikh?

gursikh means sikhs which are religious and devoted toward guru.generally they also wear turban and beard.

 

[Maximum]

I do not know about his Mother, but he does not wear a turban, has no beard, drinks alcohol, and eats meat.

 

[Lionchild]

I do not know about his Mother, but he does not wear a turban, has no beard, drinks alcohol, and eats meat.

well eating meat is okay, but the drinking part... thats a bit odd for a sikh. But i'm sure something can be worked out

 

[MKAUR1981]

WJKK WJKF

Alcohol is strictly forbidden in Sikhism, but many Sikhs still continue to indulge, esp after a Sikh wedding or religious ceremony.

Carrie, I am confused. You said your BF has gone to India, where does his mum live in India or in Canada. You said that his family have mentioned that his mum needs looking after whilst your BF is away, so therefore he should get married.

 

[Maximum]

Sorry, I will try to explain better. She lives with him here in Canada. I meant while he is away as in when he is at work, or if he has to come somewhere and she cant go along, something like that. Some of his family (Uncle, Aunt, cousins) are here in Canada and some (cousins, Uncles, Aunts, his sister) are in India.

 

[chk1]

I would say speak to him, ask him what he intends on saying, if he doesn't know then suggest to him that he mentions you to the family but says that he only wants them to meet you first and get to know you. That way they are not freaking out that they have to agree to your marriage straight away. He can say something like "look, i know initially you will disagree, but just meet her, get to know her and take it from there, nothing needs to be decided straight away".

Another thing he can do is find someone who will be on his side, say like an aunt or somebody who can explain things to his mother and try to get her to agree to meeting you and seeing the positive side to this relationship. Because him wanting to marry a white girl is such a huge thing, it is natural that he will be feeling scared to bring the topic up and maybe even try putting it off if he feels pressurised.
Do you know when he is due to come back? There must be someone who he can talk to in his family, who is open minded and who is willing to meet you and maybe your family, and once they approve of you, they can stand by his side and raise the issue within the family. It will make things easier if he has support, otherwise facing the family with such a controversial issue on his own and expecting the outcome to be in his favour may not i am sorry to say be successful.
When you next communicate express your feelings, give my suggestion that he talks to an elder, someone respected, someone he trusts, but most importantly someone who is open minded and willing to help.
I hope this is of some help to you.

 

[Maximum]

That is very good advice. Thank-you. He told me he didn't tell them about me here, because he wouldn't have any family here on his side. He said while the whole family is together over there, he will have his sister and a few others on his side who can explain things to his Mom. I will do as you suggest; ask him what he plans to tell them, and then suggest he tell them that I could get to know them before anything is decided. He will be there for a month and a bit, but I am not getting my hopes up that it will end up in our favor. I never seem to have good luck with anything!

 

[chk1]

Thats brilliant!
Although you are unsure of how things will work out, just try to have faith and be positive, i'm sure once the family get over their fears and see how nice you are they will realise that perhaps the colour of somebodys skin or their background is not what is important, but it's the person inside that counts.

Best of luck carrie! Let us know how it works out for you

 

[MKAUR1981]

Carrie

CHK1 has summed it up really well, and I don't think I can add anymore.

Just be prepared. By this I mean that there will be a lot of convincing to do. Parents already have ideas of what kind of a daughter-in-law they want, and they can find it hard to accept it any other way. The longer your BF leaves it the harder it will get. As CHK1 said that it's who you are that counts and you need to show that side to his family. For example, if suggestions have already been made that the mother needs looking after then you need to show how you will contribute to this. There will be hurdles, and even if the immediate family agree, be prepared to accept that not everyone will. (I know this as my brother's girlfriend is white and sometimes there is just no pleasing some people.)

I wish you all the best.