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General Lighter Moments

Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
Want to share a few jokes which I have read on internet....


The Pope lands at an airport just in time to get to an important meeting. His limo driver speedily takes off, but the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting on time. The Pope asks the driver to switch places so the Pope can drive.

They speedily take off again, but unfortunately, the speeding car is stopped by a cop. The police officer takes one look at the situation and radios in to police headquarters. He tells the chief that he's got a pretty important person on his hands.

The police chief asked, "Is he more important than the mayor?"The cop said, "Yes."

Then the chief asked, "Is he more important than the governor?"

The cop said, "Yes."

Then the chief asked, "Is he more important than the President?"

The cop said, "Yes."

Finally, the chief asked, "How important can he be?"

The cop said, "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver."
 
Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
How many members of your horoscope sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?
 
Nov 19, 2004
174
21
1. What is height of Fashion?

Dhoti with a zip.


2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering black visiting cards.


3. What is height of Active laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.


4. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a black paper Xeroxed.


5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.


6. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.


7. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.


8. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.
 
Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
Two swamis were in conversation.

One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"

His companion replied, "It kept me up all night
 
Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The mother replies, "I don't like her."
 
Nov 19, 2004
174
21
LETTER FROM MOM
Mairae Pyaaaray Puttar,
I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. - I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
 
Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
Rabri Devi died and went to heaven (Don't Laugh).

As she stood in
front of yamraj, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind.

She asked,
"What are all those clocks?" .

Yamraj answered, "Those are
Lie-Cloks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock.

Every time you lie,
the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rabri, "Who's clock
is that?"
"That's Gautam Buddha's. The clock-hands have never moved
indicating that
he never told a lie."

"And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The
clock-hands have only moved
twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2
lies in his entire life."


Rabri asked, "Where's my Laloo's clock?"

"Laloo's clock is in my
office", replied yamraj,

"I'm using it as a ceiling fan"
 

Hukum Kaur

SPNer
Jul 6, 2005
43
10
37
Portland, Oregon
This story takes place in Heaven, where a newly freed being appears. After a few timeless days, God comes to this being and asks how its goin'. The being expressed much gratitude and appretiation, then pauses before askind, "....but what of that wall? Why is their a wall in heaven?" God tells him, "Oh, thats for the Christians, so that they think they are the only ones here.":rolleyes:
 
Nov 19, 2004
174
21
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]Windows[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. [/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. [/FONT]​
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
 
Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy.


Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"

James Bond: "My name is Bond" Continuing in his inimitable style,
"......James Bond."


Then Bond asks: "And you?"

Telugu Guy: "My name is Rao...
Siva Rao...
Samba Siva Rao...
Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva
Rao..."

Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond"
 
Nov 19, 2004
174
21
Finally, definitions that make sense.........Someone had to do a lot of thinking to come up with these. Hope you enjoy them as much as I have.


ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines.
 
Nov 19, 2004
174
21
You will forget it

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
 
Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
 
Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.

Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
 
Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
 
Nov 19, 2004
174
21
In USA drivers on the highways -well freeways are dreaded with the patrols checking the speed limits. Here is a joke

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.

But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a hand painted sign that said RADAR TRAP AHEAD. A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the
radar trap with a sign reading TIPS and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
 
Nov 19, 2004
174
21
IT Terminologies vs. Hindi movie names

Pentium II and Pentium I - Bade Miyan Chhote Miyan
Ctrl C+ Ctrl V - Duplicate
Ctrl + Alt + Del - Aakhri Raasta
An employee who frequently changes companies - Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi
An employee who is ready to sign a bond - Dulhan Banu Mai Teri
An employee without signing bond - Kachche Dhage
An employee who works sincerely - Dil Se
An employee who is ready to leave his job - Doli Saja Ke Rakhna
An employee who left the job without informing - Nau Do Gyarah
Project Manager - Jallad
Project Leader - Khal Nayak
Super User Password - Gupt
Bill Gates - Humse Badhkar Kaun
Microsoft Corporation - Ustadon Ke Ustad
Internet - Door Gagan Ki Chhav Mein
Operator vs computer - Main Khiladi Tu Anadi
Windows 95 - Bade Dilwala
Dos & Windows - Do Raaste
Undelete - Naya Jivan
F1 - Guide
Hard disk vs Floppy Disk - Gharwali Baharwali
Mail Merge in MS Word - Sangam
Server - God father
A system infected by virus - Pyar to Hona Hi Tha
A computer for the virus - Piya Ka Ghar
Anti virus Kit - Soldier


 
Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
 
Dec 9, 2005
171
0
Toronto
Mullah Nasruddin had saved up to buy a new shirt. He went to a tailor's shop, full of excitement. The tailor measured him and said, "Come back in a week, and--if Allah wills--your shirt will be ready."

The Mullah contained himself for a week and then went back to the shop. "There has been a delay. But--if Allah wills--your shirt will be ready tomorrow."The following day Nasruddin returned. "I am sorry," said the tailor, "but it is not quite finished. Try tomorrow, and--if Allah wills--it will be ready."

"How long will it take," asked the exasperated Nasruddin, "if you leave Allah out of it?"
 
Nov 19, 2004
174
21
Ik amli

oye, ik tuhanu joke sanaunde a,

Ik munda, sadak te tureya janda si
(a guy waz walkin down the road)

Tan, Ik amli cycle te chadiaya janda,
(and a crackhead was commin up on a bike)

Oh amli, munde vich vaj janda,
(the crackhead runs into the walking guy)

Oh dowen buri taran dig jande a.
(they both fall down to the ground)

Jadon dowen uth painde a ,te amli mundey nu kehnda,
(when they both get up, the crackhead says..)

"O kuj nehi hoya, mari moti raggarr aye hai..."
(oh! its okay, you are not that hurt.. its just minor bruses)

"jah jake parsad churrah, te mandir jake matha teki tera bachaa ho gia."
(now go, go to the temple and thank god your life was saved!, go on)

Mundey nu bada gussa charda, te kehnda, "Keda bachaa ho gia, saliyaa nale tan mere sattan laa tiyan te nalle kehinda bachaa ho giya."
(the guy is pretty mad, "what you talking about!!!, first you run into me and cause me injuries and now you are saying that I should go to the temple and thank god!!!")

Amli kehnda, "oye meri gal mun tera bachaa ho giya tere vich mein cycle maar dhitta."
(the crackhead goes, "belive me man, you should be thankful that I hit you with my cycle")

Munda kehnda, "oh kyon."
(the guy says, "and why is that!!.")

Oh kamleyaa, Pichon ta mein Truck chalaounda ayaan, cycle ta mein ithonk he chukeya!!!!"
("my good man, i had just gotton on to the bike, I was driving a truck before that!!!!")

 

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