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Leisure Laughter: The Best Medicine

Astroboy

ਨਾਮ ਤੇਰੇ ਕੀ ਜੋਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ (Previously namjap)
Writer
SPNer
Jul 14, 2007
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I know some of us will get a kick out of this :)


Q: What did the lonely banana say?
A: I'm a"kela".

Q: What did the green peas say?
A: Nothing. They just "mutter"ed.

Q: What did the potato say when it answered the phone ?
A: "Aaloo?"

Q: Where do cauliflowers hang out?
A: In the Gobi desert.

Q: What did the flower say to its girl-friend?
A: Why do phools fall in love?

Q: What did the fat car say?
A: I'm a mota car.

Q: What did the confused egg say?
A: I don't unda-stand.

Q: Where do earrings go on holiday?
A: Bali

Q: What do shrimps sing on Christmas?
A: Jhinga Bells.

Q: What did the half eaten naan say?
A: I wish I was puri. (whole)

Q: What did the lonely potato sing?
A: "Aaloo lonesome tonight?"

Q: What language do carrots speak?
A: Gajar-ati.

Q: What do you call a bald poet?
A: Ik-bal Bin Nahi.

Q: What did the first pizza slice say to the other pizza slice so it would move?
A: Pizza - "HUT"(move)
 

Astroboy

ਨਾਮ ਤੇਰੇ ਕੀ ਜੋਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ (Previously namjap)
Writer
SPNer
Jul 14, 2007
4,576
1,608
"I think," said the sweet potato, "therefore, I yam"


Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!


Q: What vegetable might you find in your basement?
A: Cellar-y.

Q: What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A: A Brussels' scout.


Q: What vegetable do you need a plumber for?
A: A Leek.


Q: Why do potatoes make good detectives?
A: Because they keep their eyes peeled.


Q. What vegetable can you throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside, and throw away the inside?
A. Corn.


Q: Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
A: The Salad Bar.


Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.


Q: What's a fresh vegetable?
A: One that insults a farmer.


Q: What is a skeleton's favorite vegetable?
A: Marrow.


Q: What kind of vegetable would you like tonight?
A: Beets Me!


Q: How to change a pumpkin into another vegetable?
A: You throw it up in the air and it comes down squash.


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lettuce!
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and I'll tell you!


Q: What's a cows favorite vegetable?
A: A cowat!


Q: What is red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator!


Q: How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch!


Q: What do peases, beanses and soupses come in?
A: Kansas!


Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!


Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!


Q: If a carrot & a cabbage ran a race, who would win?
A: The cabbage, because it is a head!


Q:How do you turn soup into gold?
A: Put 14 carrots in it!


Q: Why can't the magician tell his magic secrets in the garden?
A: The corn has ears & the potatoes have eyes!


Q: A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race...what happened?
A: The faucet was running, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!
 
Oct 14, 2007
3,369
54
Sachkhand
A Sardarji enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things.....

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke."

The Sardarji thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."
Jokes For All (ISBN 818918265X)​
 

Astroboy

ਨਾਮ ਤੇਰੇ ਕੀ ਜੋਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ (Previously namjap)
Writer
SPNer
Jul 14, 2007
4,576
1,608
Computer Pranks - Hide Desktop Icons


HIDE is a great program to have around if you share your computer with others. When you start it, you have a choice to make, Un-Hide or Hide your desktop icons. When you click on your choice, you then want to minimize it and send it to your taskbar. You can also click on the X and close it. This choice is much meaner towards your intended victim, unless the next user of the computer can find it and start it again to Un-Hide the desktop icons, they'll never know where they went. But be cautioned, if you close it with the icons hidden, you'll have to restart it to Un-Hide them. Or you'll never see them again!
To exit, click on the X in the top right corner, but ONLY after you have Un-Hidden the icons, or you'll have to start HIDE again. (The actual program name is Casper.exe)
Screenshot
> > > Click here to download Hide Desktop (type: .zip; size: 4 kb)
 

Astroboy

ਨਾਮ ਤੇਰੇ ਕੀ ਜੋਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ (Previously namjap)
Writer
SPNer
Jul 14, 2007
4,576
1,608
A man who took his little girls to the amusement park noticed that Pagal Singh kept riding the merry-go-round all afternoon. Once when the merry-go-round stopped, Pagal rushed off, took a drink of water and headed back again. As he passed near the girls, their father said to him, "Pagal Singh, you certainly do like to ride on the merry-go-round, don't you?" "No, I don't. Rather I hate it absolutely and am feeling very sick because of it," said Pagal. "but the fellow who owns this thing owes me $80 and taking it out in trade is the only way I will ever collect from him."
 

spnadmin

1947-2014 (Archived)
SPNer
Jun 17, 2004
14,500
19,206
Computer Pranks - Hide Desktop Icons


HIDE is a great program to have around if you share your computer with others. When you start it, you have a choice to make, Un-Hide or Hide your desktop icons. When you click on your choice, you then want to minimize it and send it to your taskbar. You can also click on the X and close it. This choice is much meaner towards your intended victim, unless the next user of the computer can find it and start it again to Un-Hide the desktop icons, they'll never know where they went. But be cautioned, if you close it with the icons hidden, you'll have to restart it to Un-Hide them. Or you'll never see them again!
To exit, click on the X in the top right corner, but ONLY after you have Un-Hidden the icons, or you'll have to start HIDE again. (The actual program name is Casper.exe)
Screenshot
> > > Click here to download Hide Desktop (type: .zip; size: 4 kb)
Casper.exe for Casper the Friendly Ghost? Ho, Ho! Did your computer ever do this on its own authority? Amazing things computers!:wink:
 

Astroboy

ਨਾਮ ਤੇਰੇ ਕੀ ਜੋਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ (Previously namjap)
Writer
SPNer
Jul 14, 2007
4,576
1,608


[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]Man-Eating Shark Costume[/FONT]


 

spnadmin

1947-2014 (Archived)
SPNer
Jun 17, 2004
14,500
19,206
Nam Jap, why not put a poll on this. Which one would forum members buy if they had to go to a costume party?
 

Astroboy

ਨਾਮ ਤੇਰੇ ਕੀ ਜੋਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ (Previously namjap)
Writer
SPNer
Jul 14, 2007
4,576
1,608
You think English is easy???



1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce .


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.



5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.


11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.


17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.


19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'



You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is
'UP.'

It's easy to understand
UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call
UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special..

And this
UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed
UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP..

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things
UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry
UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it
UP, for now my time is UP, so.........it is time to shut UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:



What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U-P

 

spnadmin

1947-2014 (Archived)
SPNer
Jun 17, 2004
14,500
19,206
NamJap, this is a brilliant post. There is no hope for the weary when it comes to the English language. You do not know how much I applaud any person who learns English as a adult, even a person who struggles to say just a few words. That is courage. That is bravery.

Repeating myself -- but Everyone who can should learn Gurmukhi -- not only is this the language of Guruji. But!!!! Every letter always makes the same sound all the time. And the grammar is very predictable. At least that would be one chance in a lifetime to have a peaceful bi-lingual experience.
 

Astroboy

ਨਾਮ ਤੇਰੇ ਕੀ ਜੋਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ (Previously namjap)
Writer
SPNer
Jul 14, 2007
4,576
1,608
Why did the chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right
from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me..

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that
this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on
'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER
SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help
him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking
on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW'
problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road..

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but
why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay!
Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .. ... .. ..
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

**** CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white?
We need some black chickens
 

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