Hello all.
I'm also new to this site, I may of started a thread some time ago... probably. Anyhow. I feel so blessed by WaheguruJi for being gifted Naam, Bani, and a steady loving relationship with Almighty God himself.
Countless times since I can remember, from childhood, iv been lucky to experience (first hand); divine intervention. People who know me all say that I'm very lucky. But I don't believe in luck. Only destiny.
My life has had many ups and downs, iv recently been saved from being killed (again) when i got stabbed in my face& neck by my Amritari younger blood brother. I was told by God to forgive him which I did on that night, coz I have no intention to want to keep coming back in the cycle of birth and death.
I am blessed with the daily nitnem. I have only a couple of regrets. Firstly I shaved off my Kesh and beard that iv kept since 1984. Secondly I can't seem to get God's guidance with why I can't stop using hard drugs.
I understand that my life story is pre ordained and I accept I have no control for my actions. As I am nothing and so insignificant infront of God's greatness. So all I can do is continue my prayers and meditation as that is all that's really important. My worldly actions are being played out by God.
So why do I feel so unfortunate. Am I really in control of my actions or do I continue to lose my ego and personality as that is the true path to merging with God?
I need real help. I pray to leave this world and life as I have no hope from hating myself and feeling like a hypocrite.
The best friend I had in life was my mother. Until she passed away with covid. She was God himself.
my father has disowned me but God resides in all life This is how I see everything and everyone iv made a connection with throughout my life, wether it was my enemy, or a stranger or family and work colleagues.
God was present in All these connections. God was helping me when I did 7 years in prison, he was with me when i nearly drowned, died, had an amazing escape from my life threatening car accident. And the list is endless. I got a guardian angel always with me. And when I feel he isn't; then I just recite my Patshahi Daswee Benti Chaupai.
But I think I crave human interaction, more closer than the saat sangat or sewadaars in my local gurdwara.
I feel lost. And content with death. I'm not scared of it in fact I wish for it as I am a complete screw up.
Anyway thats enough about me. I hope I haven't put u all to sleep with my nonsense.
Peace out and God bless you all
Kindly always yours,
Mandeep Singh AKA BALLY
