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I Give Up

broken

Writer
SPNer
Feb 26, 2016
26
39
High Desert, CA
I have spent a great deal of my lifetime attempting to be the person that those around me have thought I should be. I have played the game and have performed the dance for far too long.

Not everything is woe and for want. I have two beautiful children who are making their own way in society and live virtuous lives. They are kind, caring and talented in their music. My daughter is recording even tonight. I am so proud of them both.

I have always made an honest living. I provided for my family by giving my best efforts to my customers and providing solid proven solutions to their needs. I have a solid reputation in my business community.

Not too long ago I suffered a stroke that did damage to my brain on my left side. This has been a struggle to create a new life, one of patience with myself and one of determination to get better.

Now, in my new state of being, I am a gardener. I teach sustainable solutions to home gardeners and landscapers. I teach hydroponic systems for vegetables and cooking herbs. I give in ways that I can and I help others by encouragement and by being a study partner in college.

I'm 52, and back in school. Learning has helped provoke my brain to rewrite how to learn, how to remember and how to speak clearly.

But, now, I look at the "who" that I had been and see that in some ways I remained in a very defined rut of ritual and rehe{censored}d compassion. For as much as I thought of myself as giving I fear that I may indeed have been giving to those that I could easily relate to. As long you fit my preconceived ideals I could be your help.

As I learn to relearn I am forced to go back and start in some areas anew. Mostly, this is in relation to my faith. As I rebuild what I used to know I find that it no longer fits. Those neat compartments of my thought no longer will accept that which I held blindly. I must ask myself, "why, do I think this way?" Too many times the answer is because "I have always thought this way."

I never once considered my programming. I never once considered what I truly thought about that which I was taught since birth. I never questioned but more importantly I never looked behind the curtain to see who was pulling the levers.

I can no longer say, "if you do not think like me ..... then you are wrong".

The music has stopped. The dance has come to an end. Elvis, has left the building, and it's time to move on.

Here I am, broken, in spirit, soul and body.

I'd make some reference to a phoenix rising from the ashes but in truth that would be nonsensical. I'm far too tired to rise.

I'm a good man, an honest man.
I find beauty in everyone, and am slowed enough to see the beauty in what's around me.
I give because it is in this motion that I am most fulfilled.

I'll just sit here in this corner. I hope you will stop by so we can talk.
 

Harry Haller

Panga Master
SPNer
Jan 31, 2011
5,762
8,156
50
I have spent a great deal of my lifetime attempting to be the person that those around me have thought I should be. I have played the game and have performed the dance for far too long.
I can relate to that, I feel quite similar, but probably for different reasons,

I have always made an honest living. I provided for my family by giving my best efforts to my customers and providing solid proven solutions to their needs. I have a solid reputation in my business community.
you sound like a nice person, I have not always done that
Not too long ago I suffered a stroke that did damage to my brain on my left side. This has been a struggle to create a new life, one of patience with myself and one of determination to get better.
and reading on, this is something you have been successful at,
Now, in my new state of being, I am a gardener. I teach sustainable solutions to home gardeners and landscapers. I teach hydroponic systems for vegetables and cooking herbs. I give in ways that I can and I help others by encouragement and by being a study partner in college.
Ahhh I did something similar years ago, good old hydroponics! but not for the same motives,

I'm 52, and back in school. Learning has helped provoke my brain to rewrite how to learn, how to remember and how to speak clearly.
well your a fighter, that much is true

But, now, I look at the "who" that I had been and see that in some ways I remained in a very defined rut of ritual and rehe{censored}d compassion. For as much as I thought of myself as giving I fear that I may indeed have been giving to those that I could easily relate to. As long you fit my preconceived ideals I could be your help.
ok, so you probably would not have helped me, but I fail to see why this is a problem, even less so as you are facing it, I only help people I can relate to, it saves time, you can end up helping the wrong people, and then it isn't help at all, its a waste of time for everyone, for you, for the person you are trying to help, you can create dependants instead of waking people.

As I learn to relearn I am forced to go back and start in some areas anew.
Crumbs your amazing, I would have spent some time in a deep depression for a while, have you come here to taunt us with your impressive backbone? Its certainly stronger than mine.

Mostly, this is in relation to my faith. As I rebuild what I used to know I find that it no longer fits. Those neat compartments of my thought no longer will accept that which I held blindly. I must ask myself, "why, do I think this way?" Too many times the answer is because "I have always thought this way."
ok, this is clearly some sort of wind up, if this is what you are like broken, I would love to have met you when you were unbroken. You are self aware to a point that some people can only dream of,

I never once considered my programming. I never once considered what I truly thought about that which I was taught since birth. I never questioned but more importantly I never looked behind the curtain to see who was pulling the levers.
Exciting isn't it.

I can no longer say, "if you do not think like me ..... then you are wrong".
Oh I have never said that, mine is "if you do not think like me ..... then I can understand why
The music has stopped. The dance has come to an end. Elvis, has left the building, and it's time to move on.
This is a great optimistic post!

Here I am, broken, in spirit, soul and body.
Well it does not read like that to me, it reads like the story of a man who did the right thing, who raised kids, who made friends, who was honest, and instead of doing it all for the carrot, suddenly realises there is no carrot.

I'd make some reference to a phoenix rising from the ashes but in truth that would be nonsensical. I'm far too tired to rise.
Hmmmm I don't think your tired, I think you are struggling to accept the change, don't struggle, its good change, its growing, there is no carrot, no reward, whatever we do either brings us closer to the light, or closer to the darkness, unless you are half wolf, in which case you are destined to live in a sea of duality till you die. Whether you are tired or not, you are rising mate, not much you can do about that., unless you wish to take the Harry Haller course on self destruction, which you probably won't, there is too much about self preservation with you, admirable...

I'm a good man, an honest man.
I am quite evil myself, its a gift, from god, its the evil in me that drives me to fight to be good, and because I won't let it win, I have to be more good than I care to be, I have to overcompensate, I think the nicest people in this world are the most evil, its how they can manage to look in the mirror in the morning.

I find beauty in everyone, and am slowed enough to see the beauty in what's around me.
I give because it is in this motion that I am most fulfilled.
It is not beauty I find in everyone and everything, it is god, and I am sorry to say, it is responsibility, for me anyway, I cannot stand by and ignore what is happening in front of my nose, no matter how trivial or large, I keep hearing god asking for my help, for a discount, for a free home visit, for advice, or assistance, I am duty bound to help, but purely on the basis that they go away and leave me alone afterwards, what a truly beautiful soul you are,.

I'll just sit here in this corner. I hope you will stop by so we can talk.
You don't have time to sit, I would imagine your too busy being in consonance to sit.

As we have bonded, over this thread, I leave you with the song de jour, I have just left my wife, and so am getting to grips with being truly alone, no wife, no dogs, no stepson, and being a lover of the 80's, this is what is playing, at very loud volume this very moment, whilst I get to grip with a pile of Dell E6320's! (btw the missing drivers are motion sensor, fingerprint reader and intel driver pack, just in case anyone else had a similar problem!)


Don't give up, if you do, then we will all have to

actually the song after that one was a bit more apt, but you have to play it loud!

 
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Inderjeet Kaur

Writer
SPNer
Oct 13, 2011
871
1,766
Seattle, Washington, USA
It sounds to me as if you are ready to play the game of life to win.

Harry ji is a wise man, in spite of himself. Listen to him and you'll learn a lot.

It sounds to me as if you are ready to play the game of life to win.

I had a catastrophic stroke that affected both sides of my brain when I was 54. Physically, even today my left side is partially paralyzed and it is most annoying. My sense of time, my judgement and my speech were all negatively affected. My husband was told to prepare for my funeral. When it became clear that I was going to survive, they told him, first that I'd be a vegetable, then that I'd be retarded and finally that I'd never walk or talk again. My doctors had clearly never worked with a Sikh before.

I died twice during the stroke, but was obviously revived. This whole experience changed me in many ways. I returned to Gaia with a burning need to do sewa and a body that wouldn't cooperate. I am often exhausted, sometimes to the point that I don't have the energy to even walk to the washroom. For a long time, I too felt
"broken, in spirit, soul and body."

As the years passed, I began to feel less broken, more mending and mended. In April, it will be ten years since I died, got kicked out of heaven and returned to this planet. Nothing is like it was. My husband succeeded in drinking himself to death, I learned to speak and walk (after a fashion). My chardi kala and all that being a Sikh has taught me has seen me through.

I serve now in any way I can. It keeps me busy. So much to do and I live with the knowledge that any morning I might wake up dead. I know my time is limited. One good thing in this whole misadventure is that death holds no fear, no mystery to me. Been there. Done that. So, dear brother, here I am dropping by to talk, to listen. Just to be. This song speaks deeply to me. Maybe it will to you, too.

You see, if what doesn't destroy us makes us stronger, surviving such misfortune really can spur us on into playing this game of life to win.

Thinking young
And growing older
Is no sin
And I can play
The game of life to win...
...And I can play hide and seek with my fears
And live my days instead of counting my years...
...A little bit of freedom's
All we lack
So catch me if you can
I'm goin' back..."

Sung by the very lovely Dusty Springfield
 

ActsOfGod

Writer
SPNer
Aug 14, 2012
387
526
Not too long ago I suffered a stroke that did damage to my brain on my left side. This has been a struggle to create a new life, one of patience with myself and one of determination to get better.

...

As I learn to relearn I am forced to go back and start in some areas anew. Mostly, this is in relation to my faith. As I rebuild what I used to know I find that it no longer fits. Those neat compartments of my thought no longer will accept that which I held blindly. I must ask myself, "why, do I think this way?" Too many times the answer is because "I have always thought this way."
Dear Sir,

Who knows the twists and turns that happen in life.

I think perhaps you might find this interesting:

https://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight?language=en

[AoG]
 

broken

Writer
SPNer
Feb 26, 2016
26
39
High Desert, CA
Thank you for such encouraging responses. When I return home from school I will watch the Tedtalk.

Today I had the opportunity to assist another classmate in organizing their lab notebook. I'm familiar with this professor so I know what he is looking for. I'm so happy to help others improve their chances for a top score.

It's 80* today and our peach tree is in bloom. I started up our gray water system again only to see that there are daffodils sprouting. Rebirth is everywhere.

I think that tonight I will sit under the desert stars and wonder at the glorious wonder that is.

Peace to you my fellow wanderers.
 

Sikhilove

Writer
SPNer
May 12, 2016
608
160
I have spent a great deal of my lifetime attempting to be the person that those around me have thought I should be. I have played the game and have performed the dance for far too long.

Not everything is woe and for want. I have two beautiful children who are making their own way in society and live virtuous lives. They are kind, caring and talented in their music. My daughter is recording even tonight. I am so proud of them both.

I have always made an honest living. I provided for my family by giving my best efforts to my customers and providing solid proven solutions to their needs. I have a solid reputation in my business community.

Not too long ago I suffered a stroke that did damage to my brain on my left side. This has been a struggle to create a new life, one of patience with myself and one of determination to get better.

Now, in my new state of being, I am a gardener. I teach sustainable solutions to home gardeners and landscapers. I teach hydroponic systems for vegetables and cooking herbs. I give in ways that I can and I help others by encouragement and by being a study partner in college.

I'm 52, and back in school. Learning has helped provoke my brain to rewrite how to learn, how to remember and how to speak clearly.

But, now, I look at the "who" that I had been and see that in some ways I remained in a very defined rut of ritual and rehe{censored}d compassion. For as much as I thought of myself as giving I fear that I may indeed have been giving to those that I could easily relate to. As long you fit my preconceived ideals I could be your help.

As I learn to relearn I am forced to go back and start in some areas anew. Mostly, this is in relation to my faith. As I rebuild what I used to know I find that it no longer fits. Those neat compartments of my thought no longer will accept that which I held blindly. I must ask myself, "why, do I think this way?" Too many times the answer is because "I have always thought this way."

I never once considered my programming. I never once considered what I truly thought about that which I was taught since birth. I never questioned but more importantly I never looked behind the curtain to see who was pulling the levers.

I can no longer say, "if you do not think like me ..... then you are wrong".

The music has stopped. The dance has come to an end. Elvis, has left the building, and it's time to move on.

Here I am, broken, in spirit, soul and body.

I'd make some reference to a phoenix rising from the ashes but in truth that would be nonsensical. I'm far too tired to rise.

I'm a good man, an honest man.
I find beauty in everyone, and am slowed enough to see the beauty in what's around me.
I give because it is in this motion that I am most fulfilled.

I'll just sit here in this corner. I hope you will stop by so we can talk.
That was an adorable post :)

My good spiritual friend calls it Maya programming.

To break free of it we must let go of our preconceived perceptions and Maya brainwashing and surrender to Truth.

Trust is key. Read Gurbani and trust and believe in it 100%. If you Truly surrender, you will fly down the path.

The reality is that we know nothing. We are Nothing, we know nothing, we are sh*t and that's it- He is the all knower..

Maintain your blessed gifts of giving and seeing the good/ beauty of what's around you. See good even in the worst actions,for it is All Him.

You feel most fulfilled in giving because giving selflessly is a high act. The highest act is serving Truth by teaching others. Our Gurus had this down.

God bless you
 
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