- Jan 31, 2011
- 5,769
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OK , first day starving the wolf, with nothing to feast on, and nothing to drive him, the wolf has gone to sleep. You would think I am therefore full of love and fluffy things, but I am not. A numbness plagues my soul, a coldness, my humour seems to have gone, I am irritated easier, the gallows humour that keeps me going has all but vanished.
However, on the plus side, life seems a bit more real, the loss of the ability to do whatever it is I wished, and pursue only the true paths, is depressing, I am not whole anymore, not that I was before, but at least I could do what I wanted!
Having said that I feel more purpose, but with more purpose comes fear. When you are a wolf, you do not love anybody, not even yourself, you have a complete acceptance and faith in your actions, and the lack of love, means a total lack of fear. He who cannot fear, cannot love, they say.
Now I can love again, properly, I also feel the gnawings of fear, as a wolf, I can eat drink anything with no consequence, after all, if you fear nothing, then death is just something that happens to you, to all of us. However, as a man, you suddenly realise that your intake can kill you, you think of your parents, your wife, your dogs, your brother, you start to worry, to be concerned, what if this, what if that, how can I make myself the most secure, can I have any guarantees.
I will be as miserable now, as a man, as I was, as a wolf. Although there is no howling, I am alone in my man-ness, these periods of crossover between personalities, they are the hardest, your routine goes, what you eat, how you live, everything changes.
There has to be some sort of halfway house, could I even survive as man, or wolf, without the other,
I know he is asleep, because the howling has stopped, I am not being called, driven, the feeling in my stomach has gone, nothing is exciting, nothing is base, everything is either true, or false, does it matter? I guess it does if one wishes to live by the truth
However, on the plus side, life seems a bit more real, the loss of the ability to do whatever it is I wished, and pursue only the true paths, is depressing, I am not whole anymore, not that I was before, but at least I could do what I wanted!
Having said that I feel more purpose, but with more purpose comes fear. When you are a wolf, you do not love anybody, not even yourself, you have a complete acceptance and faith in your actions, and the lack of love, means a total lack of fear. He who cannot fear, cannot love, they say.
Now I can love again, properly, I also feel the gnawings of fear, as a wolf, I can eat drink anything with no consequence, after all, if you fear nothing, then death is just something that happens to you, to all of us. However, as a man, you suddenly realise that your intake can kill you, you think of your parents, your wife, your dogs, your brother, you start to worry, to be concerned, what if this, what if that, how can I make myself the most secure, can I have any guarantees.
I will be as miserable now, as a man, as I was, as a wolf. Although there is no howling, I am alone in my man-ness, these periods of crossover between personalities, they are the hardest, your routine goes, what you eat, how you live, everything changes.
There has to be some sort of halfway house, could I even survive as man, or wolf, without the other,
I know he is asleep, because the howling has stopped, I am not being called, driven, the feeling in my stomach has gone, nothing is exciting, nothing is base, everything is either true, or false, does it matter? I guess it does if one wishes to live by the truth
