- Jan 31, 2011
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I knew something was wrong yesterday, for the first time in 3 weeks I put an odd sock on, but it was not just any odd sock, it was a bright red sock, which contrasted garishly with the black sock on my other leg, what consequence, its just a sock, but its not,
As the day progressed, I began to get more and more hungry, not for 'normal food' crisps, chocolate, energy drinks, I finished the day off with chips and a huge ice cream, and then I heard it, a faint sound, I had to strain myself, but it was there, an anguished, pained, desperate howl, so quiet, you could barely hear it, I tried to fall asleep, but could not, for the last 2 or 3 weeks I have slept like a baby, snuggled into my wife, last night, I stared at the ceiling, the howling getting louder and louder, I could visualise the snarl, feel the spittle dripping from fangs, the burning red eyes, black claws of steel, and the stench, the stench of filth, rotting meat, sweat, Sian awoke at 6, and sleepily opened her eyes and looked at me, in a flash she knew too, go to the shop, she said, listen to what Chazji posted for you, meditate, come back to me, come back to all of us, don't leave again, I promised her I would.
Reading the meditation blog, of not wanting to get out of the warm bed, of not wanting to get up, I could not relate to that, I wanted to get up, I was driven to get up, but not to meditate, I wanted to howl, I wanted to howl till I was empty, closing the front door, I was greeted by the Nissan, the most hateful pile of junk I have ever driven, oh yes, the anti depressant was out of my system, this was more like it, madman.
So the choice is simple, back on the anti depressants, james blunt, cuddles, peace, contentment, or the life of a lunatic
I cannot go back on the tablets, I will have achieved nothing, I will have learned nothing, that is not an option, the only option open to me at the moment is to give some weight to the boys, I get the impression they have been through this, the wolf smiled, now you don't want to kill me again do you, Ive only just got here again!
Damn it, maybe I just need to grow up
As the day progressed, I began to get more and more hungry, not for 'normal food' crisps, chocolate, energy drinks, I finished the day off with chips and a huge ice cream, and then I heard it, a faint sound, I had to strain myself, but it was there, an anguished, pained, desperate howl, so quiet, you could barely hear it, I tried to fall asleep, but could not, for the last 2 or 3 weeks I have slept like a baby, snuggled into my wife, last night, I stared at the ceiling, the howling getting louder and louder, I could visualise the snarl, feel the spittle dripping from fangs, the burning red eyes, black claws of steel, and the stench, the stench of filth, rotting meat, sweat, Sian awoke at 6, and sleepily opened her eyes and looked at me, in a flash she knew too, go to the shop, she said, listen to what Chazji posted for you, meditate, come back to me, come back to all of us, don't leave again, I promised her I would.
Reading the meditation blog, of not wanting to get out of the warm bed, of not wanting to get up, I could not relate to that, I wanted to get up, I was driven to get up, but not to meditate, I wanted to howl, I wanted to howl till I was empty, closing the front door, I was greeted by the Nissan, the most hateful pile of junk I have ever driven, oh yes, the anti depressant was out of my system, this was more like it, madman.
So the choice is simple, back on the anti depressants, james blunt, cuddles, peace, contentment, or the life of a lunatic
I cannot go back on the tablets, I will have achieved nothing, I will have learned nothing, that is not an option, the only option open to me at the moment is to give some weight to the boys, I get the impression they have been through this, the wolf smiled, now you don't want to kill me again do you, Ive only just got here again!
Damn it, maybe I just need to grow up
