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Fiance Against Kesh

Naij

SPNer
Nov 25, 2017
1
2
35
Hello everyone,
I am new to the Sikh faith. I’ve been on a religious journey my whole life and have been practicing Buddhism for the past 10 years or so. Recently I’ve been yearning for God again (which Buddhism lacks and I liked that for a long time). When I learned more about Sikhism all of its beliefs seem to click with me and I am already seeing so much positive change in my life. I’m still early on the path, but when I brought up kesh with my fiance (a very non practicing catholic) she was extremely against it. I don’t know what to do. If i keep on this path which I intend to do I will feel very distraught about not keeping kesh. Potentially compromising to wear turban and keep head hair while trimming a beard but then what’s the point? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards
 

Simranjit

Writer
SPNer
Oct 14, 2017
87
46
45
Barcelona
Naij Ji,

I'm very new to Sikhi myself and I am by no means the best person to give advice on this. But as you have no replies so far I will make a comment. Some men in the Gurudwara I go to (which is the only one in my town) neither keep kesh nor use dastaar out of the Gururdwara. Reasons can vary (according to themselves). One important reason seems to be avoiding problems at their jobs .

I choose not to cover my hair (but when reading the banis or when I am at the Gurudwara) for a few reasons, although I'm letting my hair grow. However I'm at the beginning of this path, so, I might do differently in the future. Maybe :)

Are you going to the local gurudwara? Maybe you will see there some man with short hair.

I'm sorry I cannot be of more help.

Love,

Simranjit
 

ActsOfGod

Writer
SPNer
Aug 14, 2012
387
526
Hello everyone,
I am new to the Sikh faith. I’ve been on a religious journey my whole life and have been practicing Buddhism for the past 10 years or so. Recently I’ve been yearning for God again (which Buddhism lacks and I liked that for a long time). When I learned more about Sikhism all of its beliefs seem to click with me and I am already seeing so much positive change in my life. I’m still early on the path, but when I brought up kesh with my fiance (a very non practicing catholic) she was extremely against it. I don’t know what to do. If i keep on this path which I intend to do I will feel very distraught about not keeping kesh. Potentially compromising to wear turban and keep head hair while trimming a beard but then what’s the point? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards
Hi Naij,

It seems like your fiance does not understand the significance of kesh and how important it is in Sikhi, and how much it means to you personally. Maybe invite her to visit a Gurudwara with you, or spend some time learning about Sikh history and the Sikh lifestyle.

Also, she probably needs to believe that you are going to stick with this, and it's not just a phase that will pass in a few weeks or months. (If it is indeed just a phase, what reason does she have for agreeing with her fiance going off and doing all sorts of crazy things like growing his hair long and wearing a turban, etc. etc. In that case, it's all just silliness, and she won't stand for it.)

Don't begin your journey into Sikhi with compromise (and knowing that you have compromised). Talk with your fiance about it and explain to her what it means to you. Reach an agreement that you are both happy with (for example, maybe she would be willing to give it six months, while you grow your hair long and she learns more about whats motivating you and who you are, and what Sikhi is, and how it benefits your life and by extension, her life. At that point you can both revisit the issue and with the new experience and knowledge you both will have, can make a decision about the future).

All the best.

[AoG]
 

Simranjit

Writer
SPNer
Oct 14, 2017
87
46
45
Barcelona
Naijji,

I'd like to add something in case it helps.

NVC (Nonviolent Communication) is a compasionate tool to solve conflicts and for inner growth that I've bee studying for a few years now. I'll try to sumarize a few things and how you could apply them to your conflict but I really encourage you to read Marshall's Rosenberg book. It is short and easy to read.

In NVC we always say that behind any request or demand there is a need that is unfulfilled.
Your fiance would like you to keep your hair short (and not to wear a dastaar, right?). This is a strategy to fulfill a need or needs. Try to find out what are these needs. The need for beauty? (Many women love long hair, I do, but others dislike it). Maybe the need for security? (Maybe she fears you might face some kind of racism or problems at your job...?). The need for acceptance? (maybe she thinks that some friends or relatives might not easily accept it).The need for predictibility.......? (You can find a list of NVC Universal Needs easily if it helps).

Then you can tell her what are your needs behind keeping kesh. Consistency, inner peace, community ...? Keeping kesh is a strategy to fulfill these needs that, whatever they are, are obviously very alive in you now.

So, together you can try to find a strategy that fulfills your needs (yours and those of your fiancee). Maybe once she understands your needs she is happy with your long hair as long as you keep it neat and clean, or as long as you wear fancy nice dastaars and nice clothes. Or maybe she just needs to meet other mixed families to find some reassurance that kesh won't make your social life that difficult. Or maybe, through her understanding of your needs and the love she has for you, she just will find the courage to accept your kesh and your dastaar. Or you will be able to compromise by exceptionally not wearing a dastar and having your hair tied in a ponytail when visiting her family.

I wish you both that you are able to listen to each other with care, love and compassion, to find a strategy that meets all your needs, to accept and love each other the way your are, and to support each other to be able to reach your goals. I really hope that you both are this person to each other.

Lots of love,

Simranjit
 

Sikhilove

Writer
SPNer
May 12, 2016
608
160
Hello everyone,
I am new to the Sikh faith. I’ve been on a religious journey my whole life and have been practicing Buddhism for the past 10 years or so. Recently I’ve been yearning for God again (which Buddhism lacks and I liked that for a long time). When I learned more about Sikhism all of its beliefs seem to click with me and I am already seeing so much positive change in my life. I’m still early on the path, but when I brought up kesh with my fiance (a very non practicing catholic) she was extremely against it. I don’t know what to do. If i keep on this path which I intend to do I will feel very distraught about not keeping kesh. Potentially compromising to wear turban and keep head hair while trimming a beard but then what’s the point? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards
The point of the five Ks Is that they symbolise discipline and silencing the 5 thieves. To purify the heart.

If u can achieve that purity without the outer garbs, then do it.

Read about the Bhagats and saints who's passages are included in Gurbani. They didnt don the 5 Ks.
 

Tejwant Singh

Mentor
Writer
SPNer
Jun 30, 2004
5,029
7,158
Henderson, NV.
Hello everyone,
I am new to the Sikh faith. I’ve been on a religious journey my whole life and have been practicing Buddhism for the past 10 years or so. Recently I’ve been yearning for God again (which Buddhism lacks and I liked that for a long time). When I learned more about Sikhism all of its beliefs seem to click with me and I am already seeing so much positive change in my life. I’m still early on the path, but when I brought up kesh with my fiance (a very non practicing catholic) she was extremely against it. I don’t know what to do. If i keep on this path which I intend to do I will feel very distraught about not keeping kesh. Potentially compromising to wear turban and keep head hair while trimming a beard but then what’s the point? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards
Naij ji,
Guru Fateh.

It seems that you are discussing the imagery of the icing on the cake before even finding the recipe for the cake. Please take it easy. Find a Sikh in yourself through deeds and Seva. Take your fiance along so both of you can discover the recipe of the cake together. The icing will take care of it by itself.

Just one more thing,
have been practicing Buddhism for the past 10 years or so. Recently I’ve been yearning for God again (which Buddhism lacks and I liked that for a long time)
.

I have news for you. Sikhi has no god either as seen in other religions.
 

sukhsingh

Writer
SPNer
Aug 14, 2012
740
213
43
UK
Hello everyone,
I am new to the Sikh faith. I’ve been on a religious journey my whole life and have been practicing Buddhism for the past 10 years or so. Recently I’ve been yearning for God again (which Buddhism lacks and I liked that for a long time). When I learned more about Sikhism all of its beliefs seem to click with me and I am already seeing so much positive change in my life. I’m still early on the path, but when I brought up kesh with my fiance (a very non practicing catholic) she was extremely against it. I don’t know what to do. If i keep on this path which I intend to do I will feel very distraught about not keeping kesh. Potentially compromising to wear turban and keep head hair while trimming a beard but then what’s the point? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards
Naij ji to be a sikh is elusive.. If you think you will find what you are looking for by keeping kes I fear that you may not find what your heart yearns for.. I would say first of all try focusing on all the other principles first.. To be selfless, pursue truth through your own critical thinking, expand your knowledge in every way possible.. Challenge your assumptions and assertions, treat people equally, stand up to all injustice and be brave enough to stand with the weak or oppressed when nobody will stand with them even if they are from or believe in a philosophy abhorrent to you.. Guru teg bahadur ji gave his life for the right to people have freedom of thought even though brahmanism was anathema to him.. He taught us that we need to be able to be discerning, principled and not political in our lives. Kes is a requirement of the khalsa not a sikh although these days the two are often conflated
 

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