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Day 1-Forever Changes, Love

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 17, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Jan 31, 2011
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    I feel like crap, the anti depressant has made me groggy again, I slept badly, dreaming of dying wolves, big proud fluffy wolves, happy and jumping about, being hunted down, killed,

    If previous experience is anything to go by, now follows 2 days of mourning, personality traits start to fall off, my appetite will grind down to nothing, I will have no desire for a beer, or a pizza, or huge gallons of ice cream, my sex drive will fade, oh goody.

    There is no me anymore, part of me is dying, part of me is being reborn, the desire to race across barren fields, to howl, to stare at the moon, to throw my head back and howl, howl till my throat is hoarse, till the sound fills my very soul, is fading, it is being replaced by guilt, shame, regret, I cannot see pictures of wolfish desire anymore, I see my dogs, my wife, my mum, dad, I am just a guy trying to get home,

    There seems to be a pattern, I start on the anti depressant, everything turns good, so I stop the anti depressant, and then the sound of the howling starts, it would be a comfort if I were a madman, I could cease taking responsibility, I could blame the madness, but I am not that lucky, I have been capable of searching and finding the most pleasurable experiences in the world, and on the flip side, I have also been capable of changing lives, so, I clearly have a gift, and as with all gifts, do you use your power for yourself, or for others, or like me, do you torture yourself and ultimately split yourself in two, live two lives, share two dreams, have two agendas,

    I am devoid of all grace, kirpa, all gone, all destroyed by howling, I am kirpa-less, how does it feel? lonely, guilty, I have wasted another week on a path that does not go anywhere,

    In my head, I can feel switches being reset, chemicals flowing, chemicals stopping, today is another bad day, the rent has to be in by 4pm, a refund to do, and Sians car is in the garage, and the chemist next door needs two site visits and has ordered another laptop, together with what comes into the shop, its not impossible, but in the mood I am in, I can barely stand, the wolf in me is dying, all that vigour, all that energy, if it cannot be fed, then it dies, I feel sick, I always feel sick the first day, sick and tired, great combination for today.

    Oh well, roll on 4pm, lets see if we can get through the day without screwing up
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