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Conversations With A 15 Year Old

Harry Haller

Panga Master
Jan 31, 2011
I am sitting on the bed of a 15 year old Sikh, my bed, my bed when I was 15, I am looking at me aged 15, with my top knot, my turban sitting on the side of my bed, I look young, obviously, and innocent, the first few hairs of my beard are coming through my chin, in the next bedroom is my little brother, and in the bedroom at the front are my parents, it is past midnight, everyone is asleep, everyone but me,

Hello Harry
Who are you, a ghost?
no, I am you aged 49, a sort of a ghost, a future ghost
your bald...., you have a goatee, where is your turban and beard?
yes, its a long story, that is not really why I am here
so I end up mona?
yeah, you end up mona, amongst other things, what did you think you would end up as?
I thought I would be married, with kids, and my turban, and my beard, and I would go to weddings and parties, and my in laws would come and stay and mum and dad would be really proud of me, and I would live in a nice house, with a nice car, and a nice life with holidays and I would be well respected and liked.
right.... and is that what you want?
I don't know..... its what I thought I would end up as...
Although you are not me, I am, and have been you, that is not really what you want is it?
is it what I have got?
no, you have none of those things, close your eyes, dig deep into yourself and now tell me what you really want, your fantasy, what you really want above everything else, not what society dictates you should want

the 15 year old harry looked uncomfortable, embarrassed, what, what would I really want?
ok, the 15 year old took a deep breath

I want to live, I want to do all the crazy things in my head, I don't want an arranged marriage, I want to fall in love, I want to make a fortune, but for some reason, I want to lose it as well, I want to be heartbroken, I want to experience the very highs of the world, and also swim in the very pits of despair, after all what would be living without experiencing everything? I would talk to someone, but no one would really understand, I want to know what it feels like to have everything, and to lose everything, I want lovers, lots of lovers, all over the world, I want to fly half way across the world and experience mad love, and make mad money, and then lose it all and then start again, on maybe another different adventure, I want to stare death in the face, several times, I want to lose my fear of death, I want to be intoxicated on any substance I can find, to feel alive, and high, and explode with feelings, I want to be reborn a million times in one lifetime, to live a million different lives, to die a million different deaths.

and the house, with the kids, the wife, the respectability, the weddings, the parties?

no one could live the crazy life I dream of at 15, it would drive a man mad, I am not that man, I don't have the courage to be that man, I always thought I would end up just living like people do.... Do I live in a house?

would you like to live in a house?

it depends, am I married, with kids?
I am 49, and I am alone?
well in that case I guess I would like to live in a warehouse, surrounded by computers and screens and spend all day playing with them with loud music playing, a bit like how this bedroom looks, but bigger, and it would have to be in a really terrible area, above a pub, or a brothel! it would have be secluded, and set back from the world, well thats the fantasy anyway,
its a strange fantasy
yes, yes it is, but I see it, I have visions of it, there are stairs, that come down to a large window, and in the summer, the whole warehouse is hot and hazy, like a dream world, and as you go into the main room, there are screens everywhere, with white writing on them, lots of writing, lots of information, scrolling away, there is no natural light, its very solitary, but downstairs there are shops, bars, restaurants, people, its gritty, but its real, its life without it being dressed up, gritty, yes its gritty. I have seen it, in my dreams
you have just described my premises
what everything? the screens? the stairs? the hazyness?
yes, and the pub and the brothel, oh its very gritty, the screens you saw are the two screens that check components, you sit there and watch the scrolling white writing, it tells you how the components are working,
and the other dreams, my other dreams, do I fall in love? do i get to be a big businessman? do I get to do all the things that I dream of?
yes, yes you do, every single dream that you have, you fulfill all of them, you live all of them, you do everything..
but my mum and dad, this must have killed them, they never get to see me married, never get to have grandchildren? never see me settled?
You are extremely close to your mum and dad, extremely close, as close as anyone could be, you can talk to them about everything and anything, and frequently do, you call them every morning dead on 8am, and you talk, like old friends, you laugh, you joke, you share, you find the love that has eluded you all your life within them, they are the most important people in your life, they don't tell you what to do, or stand in your way in anything you choose to do,
I must put them through pain though.....
yes, yes you do, but after a time they come to accept you, and your life, and they are happy, you tell them time and time again, as long as you are free, that is enough.
Am I happy?
You do things to make you happy, but the things that you think will make you happy, that you know at 15, do not make you happy at 49, in fact, happiness is overrated for you, you don't make much effort to find it, or to action it, as over the years you have realised that happiness is a fleeting feeling, that is followed by sadness once whatever made you happy has either been lost, or it no longer makes you happy anymore, Are you happy? at 49? no, but you are not unhappy either, you are however free, you wake up in the morning around 4, and work all day till evening, no one tells you what to do, and you do not observe social conventions, you do what you want, when you want, you are free.
What do people think of me?
you have a small circle of people you interact with, one ex, a few friends, and your parents, they all love you and understand you, everyone else thinks your a fool.
Am I respected?
no, not even by those that love you
you never cultivated it, or gave it weight, you would rather be loved than respected.
loved by everyone?
no, only those that understand you, anyone else can go {censored} themselves
is that how I talk?
yes, you don't really care for social niceties,
I am an oddball.....
You are the person in your dreams as you sit there on that bed,
I'm scared... the life that you describe, the life that you live, it scares me, I end up alone, living a gritty hard life,
You have fun along the way, you fall in love, many times, you break your heart, many times, you make money, you lose money, you trust people, you get let down, yes, sure, you nearly die a few times
a few times?
16 to be exact, by the 16th you stop fearing death, other than the time you fall in love again after that
what happens
you fall in love, and it is everything you ever wanted
so why am I alone?
you {censored} it up, you fear losing your freedom, you fear assimilation, you fear having to explain yourself, you {censored} it up good and proper, a one last good {censored} up, you don't have another relationship again after that
so why are you here? to tell me not to go down this path? to stick to the normal path, to keep my fantasies where they belong? in my head?
no, {censored} no, I came back to tell you that you did it, you lived, and you lived hard, and you achieved what you set out to achieve.
which was?
to do all the things everyone said not to do, and realise yourself what life was about, rather than reading about it, or watching it in a film.
and what about God?
God enjoys and suffers life with you, your not one of the lucky ones that gets to live, get married, have holidays and so forth, your only purpose is to make people laugh, to make them forget their problems for a while, to poke fun at everything, at convention, at the way that things are done, the sound of laughter follows you wherever you go
Do I suffer?
Oh yeah, you really suffer along the way
God thinks it makes good material for your funny stories
All my dreams then, all my fantasies, they all come true, I make them come true
Yeah, Yeah you do, you live the dream, enjoy it, hang on and enjoy it, living the dream Harry, your living the dream

Inderjeet Kaur

Oct 13, 2011
Seattle, Washington, USA
What I have often written applies here.

The most basic, most fundamental right, the right on which all other rights are based is the right of refusal, the right to say "NO."


The most basic, most fundamental freedom, the freedom on which all other freedoms depend is the right of refusal, the freedom to say "NO."

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