- Jan 31, 2011
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Oh well, I made the jump finally, it had to be done, and it was my brothers wedding that did it. When we got the pictures back, I stared long and hard at the one of me and Sian. I looked normal, quite normal, bordering on presentable even, Sian looked beautiful, although my brother is a confirmed atheist, so the ceremony was civil, she wore a green salwar kameez, and just looked heart meltingly pretty. Having had a shave and got rid of the krusty the klown hair, we looked like a nice couple. I stared at that photo for a long time, one day, and then drove home, in my old renault, opening the door, I was greeted my Rory concentrating hard with his eyes closed while he did what dogs do, all over the hall. Behind him, Bran was trying to get as much toilet roll all over the living room as possible, Dan was chasing the cat, and my wife was standing in the middle of it all, looking tired and lost. I looked in the mirror, I did not look like the chap in the photo anymore, and my wife did not look like the contented happy woman in the photo either.
The 'jump' consists of actually enjoying life, not waiting for heaven or 'merging with the light' or anything like that, but actually making base camp right here and now and accepting that today may be all we have, and if you cannot be happy today, then maybe you can never be happy. Heaven awaits with each day, as does of course does hell, it is in our hands. What do I really want out of life, have I learned enough to have it, should I have it, does it make sense not being happy to prove a point, when I was younger I used to set myself goals, and getting those goals made me happy, but also made my life better.
A few days later I noted a 1999 S class for sale at a dealers, I took it for a spin, it was disgusting, I drove the S class 2 generations older, and that drove like a piece of class, this was different, it certainly looked better than it drove, it had lost something, they have even moved the damn ignition key, it used to be on the dash, now its on the column like every other car, and it drove like a mass produced piece of junk. Sadly I drove it back, it really was not me, I yearned for the cars I drove 16 years ago, the smell, the solidity, the sound of the engine, a nice throbbing V8, I eventually found a 20 year old one, that smelt right, drove right, and looked right, suitably old so as it not to look flash, but solid, so I parted with £400 and the renault. I bought some trousers, got a haircut, a shave, it might seem obvious to some, but for me , it was my way of rejoining life and coming down from a mental mountain top, I have spent too much time away from life, spent too much time living in my head.
I worked harder, spent more time at home, helped toilet train the puppies, I close the shop every day for 2 hours and then go home and feed the puppies and spend time with them and Dan, this living lark is ok, it grows on you, you find yourself wanting a bit more, you find yourself working a bit harder to get a bit more, its been so long since I dangled a carrot in front of me to motivate myself, so I am running with it, I even took Sian to Nandos the other night, the first time we have been out in years, sitting there, I felt normal, part of the scene, rather than on the outside looking in. It was and is a strange feeling.
Last week I finally bought the Range Rover, it is a complete dog, and it cost just £500! 220,000 miles and a dodgy gearbox, but it drives and its diesel, and is currently covered in puppy vomit, as Rory gets carsick.
I now have both the cars of my dreams, the puppies are crapping outside, I have a balanced day, the shop is busy, however, I still feel a void, every now and then, and I feel it in Sian too, I feel a bit guilty for indulging myself, when people around me have so little, however if anything I feel more humble than before, and that it is one thing I must never lose, the humility, lets see where this path goes..
The 'jump' consists of actually enjoying life, not waiting for heaven or 'merging with the light' or anything like that, but actually making base camp right here and now and accepting that today may be all we have, and if you cannot be happy today, then maybe you can never be happy. Heaven awaits with each day, as does of course does hell, it is in our hands. What do I really want out of life, have I learned enough to have it, should I have it, does it make sense not being happy to prove a point, when I was younger I used to set myself goals, and getting those goals made me happy, but also made my life better.
A few days later I noted a 1999 S class for sale at a dealers, I took it for a spin, it was disgusting, I drove the S class 2 generations older, and that drove like a piece of class, this was different, it certainly looked better than it drove, it had lost something, they have even moved the damn ignition key, it used to be on the dash, now its on the column like every other car, and it drove like a mass produced piece of junk. Sadly I drove it back, it really was not me, I yearned for the cars I drove 16 years ago, the smell, the solidity, the sound of the engine, a nice throbbing V8, I eventually found a 20 year old one, that smelt right, drove right, and looked right, suitably old so as it not to look flash, but solid, so I parted with £400 and the renault. I bought some trousers, got a haircut, a shave, it might seem obvious to some, but for me , it was my way of rejoining life and coming down from a mental mountain top, I have spent too much time away from life, spent too much time living in my head.
I worked harder, spent more time at home, helped toilet train the puppies, I close the shop every day for 2 hours and then go home and feed the puppies and spend time with them and Dan, this living lark is ok, it grows on you, you find yourself wanting a bit more, you find yourself working a bit harder to get a bit more, its been so long since I dangled a carrot in front of me to motivate myself, so I am running with it, I even took Sian to Nandos the other night, the first time we have been out in years, sitting there, I felt normal, part of the scene, rather than on the outside looking in. It was and is a strange feeling.
Last week I finally bought the Range Rover, it is a complete dog, and it cost just £500! 220,000 miles and a dodgy gearbox, but it drives and its diesel, and is currently covered in puppy vomit, as Rory gets carsick.
I now have both the cars of my dreams, the puppies are crapping outside, I have a balanced day, the shop is busy, however, I still feel a void, every now and then, and I feel it in Sian too, I feel a bit guilty for indulging myself, when people around me have so little, however if anything I feel more humble than before, and that it is one thing I must never lose, the humility, lets see where this path goes..
