Agree To Disagree - Working Through Disagreements | SIKH PHILOSOPHY NETWORK
  • Welcome to all New Sikh Philosophy Network Forums!
    Explore Sikh Sikhi Sikhism...
    Sign up Log in

Agree To Disagree - Working Through Disagreements

Jun 1, 2004
3,007
82
42
By Khoji

We all have disagreements. To clash at times with family and friends is a part of life. Whether we simply have a difference of opinion with someone or engage in an argument, disagreements offer an opportunity for us to learn and grow.

One of the most important things we can do when we find ourselves in disagreement with anyone, whether they are close to us or not, is to try to remain calm and to be respectful. When we disagree over something minor, we usually just engage in some playful squabbling. However, when we are discussing something of importance to us, or if we disagree with someone we don't particularly like, it may be difficult to keep from becoming angry and exchanging harsh words. From there, it's all too easy for a disagreement to escalate and become a full blown shouting match.

During any disagreement, it's important to be respectful and let the other person state their opinion. Then listen and really try to hear what the other person is saying. Try to understand not just their words, but their feelings as well. Understanding is more important than agreeing. You may not come to an agreement, but you can agree to disagree and still keep peace.

If a disagreement starts to get heated, take a deep breath and stop talking. Make eye contact and as difficult as it may be, send the other person love. Try to find compassion. Chances are, there will be an energy shift and both of you will become calmer and better able to discuss your differences.
 

Suneet Kaur

SPNer
Nov 6, 2004
18
2
52
Chandigarh
Wahe guru Ji Ka Khalsa Wahe Guru Ji Ke Fateh

I really appreciate what you are saying. I call it ego in us that leads to heated arguments. What I personally have experienced that people doesn't want to listen but want to impose upon others what they themselves think and want to say. This is the main reason why the normal discussions sometimes led to heated arguments.

When this culprit ego will vanish inside us then only we can these heated arguments will eventually turn to polite discussions and suggestions.

With regards
 

spnadmin

1947-2014 (Archived)
SPNer
Jun 17, 2004
14,500
19,209
So I thought this would add to the mix.

How to Have a Good Argument

The "Are not" "Am too" "Are not" "Am too" is a type of argument that no one wants go get into. Here's how to state your views while being collected and reasonable.






Steps


  1. Stay calm. The energy you give off is usually picked up on by the other person; if you are calm they sense you mean no harm and relax more. Even if you get emotional, try to keep your dignity and don't lash out unexpectedly. Also consider your tone of voice; try to keep a steady, low tone and volume, not fluctuating to much in speed and sound. Try to sound as relaxed as possible and avoid high-pitched sounds. Also consider your body language: have a good firm posture that makes your feel powerful but not agressive.
  2. Don't insult the other person. Avoid to, in any way, say something that might be taken as an insult. When people are angry they are much more sensitive and will take even the smallest comment as an insult.
  3. Express that you are willing to listen to the other person and respect them. Even though you might not agree with what the other person is saying you need to remember that they might feel just as strongly about their views as you do about yours.
  4. Be reasonable. The outcome of the argument might not be exactly what you wanted, but never expect to get everything you want.



Tips


  • Don't let it last too long, the argument degrades if it's held out.
  • Don't swear, this lets the other person know you are going to be unreasonable and sets a far more agressive tone than needed.
  • Keep your voice at a normal volume.
  • Allow each person to speak and make their point.
  • Set healthy boundaries. If the person with whom you are arguing is angry, obnoxious or verbally abusive, should you really be interacting with them? It may be better to walk away.
  • If the argument is with a clerk, salesperson, etc. ask to speak with their supervisor. If a supervisor isn't immediately available, get a phone number.
  • Trying to convince the other person to calm down with words usually doesn't work, and never works unless you are calm yourself. When people are emotional they usually don't take well to lengthy explanations or listening to your needs, so phrases like "it is really rude of you not to listen to me, please show more respect" are usually taken more like insults and power-boosts than actually being listened to.



From How to Have a Good Argument - wikiHow
 

Nirmaljit

SPNer
Jun 6, 2009
5
9
:wah:Hello, waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguruji ki fateh
I appreciate what are you saying but sometime it is not easy in real life.Some people are in the habit of not listen. They only know how to give lecture to others and when their turn come to listen, they said very proudly that you are defensive. It hurts. Any time you want to state your opinion, this is what happens. So is not it better to stay quite . You cannot tolerate your insult all the time. How can you cope with these situations. Tell me if I am wrong. Any advise will be appreciated.
With Regards
Nirmaljit
 

spnadmin

1947-2014 (Archived)
SPNer
Jun 17, 2004
14,500
19,209
Nirmaljit ji

I am not a relationship therapist. But I do know that turning your back on a person who will not listen, or walking away from the point of disagreement, or giving in, etc does not work and can make things even worse.

My suggestion only. State calmly and concisely that you realize that You Have Not Listened to Me and I Feel Your Behavior Is Very Rude.

And then offer that person help to overcome their communication problem -- because their problem has become your problem. State: Better communication is important to me. If you so choose to learn we can look into counseling together.

And, my final thought. We can't change people. We can only change ourselves. In the end we are each a reflection of choices we make in life. Some people will never break out of their rude and insensitive selves. Because they actually believe that they are the ones who will suffer or they are the ones who have suffered, and their attitudes make perfect sense to them. If people in a relationship reach a point where one or both are not going to change. then a person has to face up to that as a fact and carve out a self-directed path that they own accordingly. It isn't easy.
 

Tejwant Singh

Mentor
Writer
SPNer
Jun 30, 2004
5,028
7,181
Henderson, NV.
Nirmaljit ji

And, my final thought. We can't change people. We can only change ourselves. In the end we are each a reflection of choices we make in life. Some people will never break out of their rude and insensitive selves. Because they actually believe that they are the ones who will suffer or they are the ones who have suffered, and their attitudes make perfect sense to them. If people in a relationship reach a point where one or both are not going to change. then a person has to face up to that as a fact and carve out a self-directed path that they own accordingly. It isn't easy.
"If we change the way to look at things, then the things we look at change".

An old saying.

Tejwant Singh
 

Tejwant Singh

Mentor
Writer
SPNer
Jun 30, 2004
5,028
7,181
Henderson, NV.
:wah:Hello, waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguruji ki fateh
I appreciate what are you saying but sometime it is not easy in real life.Some people are in the habit of not listen. They only know how to give lecture to others and when their turn come to listen, they said very proudly that you are defensive. It hurts. Any time you want to state your opinion, this is what happens. So is not it better to stay quite . You cannot tolerate your insult all the time. How can you cope with these situations. Tell me if I am wrong. Any advise will be appreciated.
With Regards
Nirmaljit
It is amazing how well you know my mother in law. j/k.

Tejwant Singh
 

Tejwant Singh

Mentor
Writer
SPNer
Jun 30, 2004
5,028
7,181
Henderson, NV.
And that isn't easy either. :)

Narayanjot Kaur ji,

Guru Fateh.

Agreed. But should it be? Gurbani is full of verses which shows us how tough this road is and Guru Amardas says it beautifully in Anand sahib that the life of a Sikh is not just a mere tight rope event but it is a way of life because the safety net is," Mera Satguru rakhvala hoa"- My TRUE GURU looks after me". Hence, we seek and serve and try to find connection through commitments with The Nirbhau, Nirvair Ik Ong Kaar.


Tejwant Singh
 

Create an account or login to comment

You must be a member in order to leave a comment

Create account

Create an account on our community. It's easy!

Log in

Already have an account? Log in here.

Shabad Vichaar by SPN'ers

The Gurbani Framework calls for the use of GURBANI to understand, explain, translate and interpret GURBANI.


The Gurbani Framework is a response to a variety of distorted translations...

SPN on Facebook

...
Top