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How to keep myself calm and not restless till I get my first job ?

Discussion in 'Sikh Youth' started by Seeker2013, Apr 23, 2015.

  1. Seeker2013

    Seeker2013 India
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    can you please help me feel positive ? I would be grateful to you. I am 25 yr old male. I don't have any job. I am a fresher in my field - IT. I did my graduation in 2010. I enrolled for masters in 2011 . But I could never complete it as by then I had realized I was gay but couldn't tell my parents about it . The concern ate me from inside. As a result I wasn't able to do things and I ended up wasting my 2 years of life without getting my masters degree.

    looking-for-job.jpg

    In 2013, I enrolled at a private institute to learn programming . But there too , I ended up terribly and I am doing things now which I should have done last January.
    The private institute guys also rebuked me for it. BUT TELL ME, would a person choose to make his life hell like this by his own willingness ?

    I was stuck in this rut. I couldn't help it . But now I feel overwhelmed when I realize how much time I wasted and how I am 25 already. Since I just started my job search, it could take months before i land in a job. I am willing to do any IT job.

    But the thing is that I had to tell my parents that I got a job and they think I have a job but told them I am on training and won't get any salary by end of this year. Call me liar but I did it all to make them feel less stressed out but now I am stressed out , and now the tension is killing me that what if I don't get a job.

    Now I am feeling scared What if for some or the other reason I don't get a job even after months of job searching ?
    I am just feeling so anxious to the point of being non-function now, that I am panicking now. what should I do to make myself calm ?
     
    #1 Seeker2013, Apr 23, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2015
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  3. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    only you yourself can help you feel positive, anyone else trying to do it will only be 'blowing smoke up your bottom'

    that is the sort of thing you would say to a baba, and most would be take you up on that

    good, excellent!

    that is very sad, but if I may be slightly harsh, we all have problems that we need to overcome, and we all must stay focused our lives, goals and aspirations as well. I understand the stigma of being gay, but there are folks who have overcome illness, financial issues, religious issues, all sorts and just got on with things. There are some that would literally give their right arm to be in a position to study for a masters degree. I apologise but you are coming over slightly precious.

    Of course, most people in prison are there by their own willingness, sorry but who do you wish to blame if not yourself? Your parents? God? society? what would you like us to say? there there? if so, you probably do need a baba....

    You are able bodied, sound minded, you just happen to be gay, why is it going to take months? when I have needed a job, I haver found one very quickly, hunger and cold does that to you. Maybe you are not hungry or cold enough?

    well, that is what happens when you lie my friend, why not just man up and tell them the truth, you may even find yourself a bit.

    well you have to make a choice, you sound pretty precious to me, spoilt even, one wonders what state you would be in if you had a real problem. First tell your parents, you cannot live a lie, if you do not wish to do that, find a job, any job, then get another job, but I think most importantly, take a good look at people with real problems, people that are dealing with real problems, and try and get some inspiration from them, try and be a better person, a stronger person, a more confident person, how you may ask? well it all starts with the truth, if you live a lie, then you will be a lie, and soon the lies catch up, and you are nothing.

    Be who you are, and be proud of who you are, I hope that helps
     
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  4. AngloSikhPeace

    AngloSikhPeace United Kingdom
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    WJKK WJKF
    Harry ji, please lay off the 'be a strong person' tough love routine. This brother of ours is clearly suffering from serious psychological problems and he needs sympathy. Likely he has nobody else to turn to besides the internet. As someone who has suffered from similar problems with anxiety and is also long-term unemployed I find the whole 'just tough it out' routine (most often used by the 'successful' in society) to be very offensive and counter-productive.

    Seeker2013 ji, I can't tell you anything to help you get better or find a job. But I can tell you that Waheguru doesn't judge us for how much money we earn, Waheguru doesn't judge us based on our colour or our caste or our sexuality, Waheguru is only interested in how much we love 'Him' (I think terminology like 'Him' is kind of inaccurate but there's no good neutral gender word in English). Piyare is the heart of Sikhi, and by finding it one can have light even in the darkest place. I'll give you the following pieces of advice:
    1. Find seva to do, preferably something active where you can meet other people. This improves self-esteem greatly, even if you don't have a job you can no longer fall into thinking "I'm useless I don't do anything productive for anyone" which is one of the main causes of mental disorders in the long-term unemployed.
    2. Find somebody real to speak to and confide in about your sexuality. That will be difficult to do, but you can't keep bottling in the cause of your trauma. It's up to you what you do after that and I have no knowledge of such things anyway, but just having a friend to talk to will make things much easier I guarantee you.
    3. Avoid the internet. I know it's hard to do, but there are so many messed-up things and people online that you will find it hard to ever stay positive. Real Sangat, real company, is irreplaceable. Only they can teach you how to think in a Chardi-Kala way.
     
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  5. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    this is the first time I have been succinct with Seeker2013ji, if you look at previous posts between us, mine have been strong on empathy.
     
  6. Seeker2013

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    Thank you guys.
    Yes I think I do suffer from some sort of generalized anxiety disorder and depression.
    I broke up in front of them day before yesterday and they have been supportive.
    They have fixed an appointment with psychologist. I have told my parents too. They are being supportive.
    But thoughts are putrid and intrusive. My days thesedays have become like a never ending nightmare that would only subside if I get a job or an internship. I always keep getting thoughts like "what if I don't get a job in IT. I would feel so bad." I don't want to work in a call center. That might end up adding to my anxiety and depression.
    This is why its important to seek remedies for psycho-psychiatric issues ASAP. I almost jeopardized my career in the thing.

    But one ray of hope is that the institute I did my course in programming from is still promising to help me.
    My mom and dad who are very troubled because I am troubled right now have personally met the madam there. She said she promises she would land me somewhere in job. My dad said he's even willing to pay to help me enter my field , but she's a nice lady. She said "we will try to do it without money" .
    Rest, actions speak louder than words. So I hope they do some action and send me to interviews and I get a job ASAP. I know peeps who have spent months or sometimes a year searching job. I don't feel like I have such patience, it would be horrible TBH. But its still worth it if in the end u do get a job in your desired field .

    My mom dad treating me like a kid thesedays , I mean with care and all . I am lucky enough to have them . But right now the racing thoughts in my head ... arghh
    The worst thing to happen to me would be to end up in a call center or some other such shitty non-technical job. Drives me crazy just thinking about it ...

    Please do ardas for me :D
     
    #5 Seeker2013, Apr 26, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2015
  7. Harry Haller

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    thats ok, so do I, you can turn it around so that it works for you rather than against you, if you can do that, you will find that instead of feeling different and isolated, you feel unique and non dependent. I have battled depression most of my life, but now I realise I was depressed because I wanted to be like everyone else and was never going to be, now I am elated because I am not like everyone else...

    of course, they love you, just like my parents love me, all through my entire life, I have tried to find that love from others, that love has been given so easily, and they are so nice people, I have assumed that the world is like that, I know today that no one loves me as much as my mum and dad.

    A very wise man once said to me, if you cannot be a man, pretend to be a man, to this day I am still pretending, but I do a decent enough act, maybe one day it will be for real. The thoughts are easy to think, easy to indulge, destructive thoughts always are, stop indulging them, it is easy to be destructive, not so easy to be creative, you have been given a chance here, try and build a good strong foundation now.

    This is ego and pride.

    It would not bother me working in a call center, its better than not working at all, as Sikhs all honest work is good, whether it is driving a rickshaw or being a doctor, no one is better, no one is worse, we are all equal.

    sometimes the remedies are within ourself, and in finding ourself, we find the remedy, and grow and become stronger people.

    I think you have a lot to learn about yourself, and I think that your parents have indulged you, and continue to do so hugely, you have the support of a lot of people, you have to now find within yourself the grit and determination to build on that support, rather then let everyone do everything for you.

    share with us the racing thoughts in your head, what is on your mind? what are the thoughts that seem to be diverting you away from your academic pursuits? When I was your age, I was in a similar situation, my distractions were casinos and women at that time, do you have a similar problem?

    I can think of much much worse things....

    Why? what will it achieve?
     
  8. Seeker2013

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    In the long term I would want to leave india forever and settle in canada and find my dream prince there .
    But immigrating is not any easy thing.
    My sexuality , or rather the circumstances surrounding it, have also exhausted me a lot . I have no future in india. Suppose even if I enter in a relationship with a guy in india, if he leaves me or worse, what options do I have ? hardly any . And yes I too realized a while back parents are the best people ever !
    Parents are the only one who would care about you while no one else does . Mother is the only one who nurses you while no one else does. 2 days back when I broke out to my parents in a sobbing way that I had lied a shit ton , my mom also started crying and started consoling me. Since then, she has been so protective, but I feel no matter how warmth it is , it is also one reason why I am the way I am. I don't wanna blame my mom, that would be evil, but if I ever become a dad tomorrow, I would toughen my kids from the start, and yet continue love them !
    I wish my parents did the same, but then I was always a queer kid .
    Sometimes I feel like my life has become so meaningless. Suicidal thoughts have come one or two times,

    I have also realized one thing : people don't give a shit about your problems. The best they can do is advice momentarily like how its happening here in your forum , from your help !
    but people would rather have you suck it up AND to stop cribbing. HELL, I have met people who would rather tell me its not so bad (being gay) in india and that I am the only one who chooses to crib about it . They usually leave with "ok then keep living in your miserable life" when you tell them that you feel they have rose tinted glass view of things.

    I don't have a career (yet) , because of my sexuality I can't have a supportive family in future. The prospect is terrifying unless something is done about it. :( Its so terrifying infact , that many times my future appears a big question mark or dark to me . I will share this too one day with my parents and cry out my pent up feelings,

    BUT RIGHT NOW, its about career. And now I am so petrified with thoughts of not being able to do it, I am unable to focus on studying for interviews .
    But I also know from experience that because of the very same attitude I have failed numerous times in the past . So time to chin up , do my part and leave the rest to others who have "promised" me to get a job somewhere ,
    thought of Working in a call center is still a petrifying feeling.

    In any case, I am going to the psychologist because my life is TOTALLY MESSED UP. how the hell am I gonna immigrate to canada to live my life to its potential (finding a boyfriend for life) if my life continues like these
    *shudders*

    PS: anyways , why am I even online . procrastination + depression + anxiety + carelessness is what ruined me.
    bye
     
  9. Harry Haller

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    it sounds to me like you have a dream, which you seem unable to fulfil. You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, 20 years later, I have realised a lot and learned a lot, and lived a lot, and now I realise there is no dream princess or prince, everything comes from within, and if you are happy within, then you will be happy with people round you. I guarantee you if you met your dream prince now, he would run a mile, because you would need him to be happy, not the best foundation for any relationship. But then again it took me 20 years to learn that.

    its easier than trying to find peace within yourself, but then, a different city, a different town, even a different country, it makes no difference, we will screw up just as we did before, and I speak, again, from experience.

    you have little self confidence, just as I used to, actually, I don't really believe I am blessed with self confidence now, I am just at peace with myself, I only have myself to answer to, and it is only my own opinion of myself that is important. If you were to find peace within yourself, it would not worry you if someone left or not, I worry that you are going to be very hurt in relationships as you will give everything and then wonder why you are not getting anything back, the world is full of people that follow human nature.

    Again, I had the same problem, my parents loved me and bailed me out time and time again, to the point where I was unable to stand on my own two feet, there was no hunger, no cold, sure I went through some tough times on my own, but they have always been there for me, no matter what. So you have two loving parents, stop using them and stand on your own two feet, I know at the moment you probably feel weak and childlike, well it is up to you whether that continues, you can carry on being a child, and running home to mummy when things go wrong, or you can try and stand on your own two feet, start taking responsibility for your life, stop dreaming about fantasies, look around you, one day your parents will need you to help them, you need to be strong for that day, because one day there will be no one left to run to, to cry to, and I am sure your parents want an adult for a son, not a child. You have had a good run, stop blaming them for their kindness, you have a brain, you can see what is going on, take the rough road, sweat a bit, it will do you good.

    this is very natural, in times of hardship, it is our nature to run away, and the best and the biggest run away is suicide, it ticks all the boxes, sympathy, self pity, drama, but it would be the death of your parents, so try and be positive and a little less selfish, if you find these thoughts start dominating your mind, feel free to PM me and I can continue our dialogue in private. I have also had experience on this subject, but for different reasons.

    if you keep making the same problems again and again, people tend to put their energies into more receptive situations.

    Anytime you have posted a request for help, several people including myself have taken the time to try and assist
    If I look back at my life and times when I was feeling like you do now, in hindsight, the best advice actually is just get on with it.

    I do not think your sexuality is a problem, I do think the guilt is killing you. Its the guilt you have to deal with, not the sexuality.

    put your sexuality and the search for the dream prince on the backburner, focus on your education and your job, both will enable you to be free and live how you wish, if you do not do this, then you will be reliant on your parents for income forever, and you will never be able to walk your own path, for this reason, being able to earn your own money is vital.

    as petrifying as living at home in a false marriage in a false life?

    get your priorities right, there is no way you are going to find a boyfriend in the needy reliant state you are in.
    .
     
  10. Seeker2013

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    are you on FB harry haller ? i would love to be friends with u .
     
  11. Seeker2013

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    I tell you when I started sobbing few days back when I finally told them that I had lied all along , (after starting this thread )
    My mom dad tried to calm me and I felt they love me a lot but now wondering whether they loved me because of expectations , like "our son will grow up and bring us a daughter in law and grandkids" . Is that the sort of reason that makes them love me despite my shortcomings and past blunders. I wonder .
    and if so , will telling them that I am gay rob me of their love . I wonder
     
  12. Harry Haller

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    sorry my friend, I am not a great fan of social media, in fact, I don't even have any friends or social life period!. I sit here in my shop 7 days a week, 12-15 hours a day.

    However, if you wish to PM me, about anything, or any problem, I will be happy to enter into dialogue with you if you feel it helps in anyway.
     
  13. Harry Haller

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    Your parents will love you regardless, that is not to say they will not be possibly disappointed or feel let down, but that is only natural, you are looking at the worst scenario. To be honest, if most people pick up on the fact that you are gay, do you not think they have an inkling already?
     
  14. Seeker2013

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    right now what i am feeling is like i dont feel like doing anything at all. Having failed to clear my masters in 3 attempts and the associated fear of failing and then actually failing, i m jst fed up of exams and something similar , the interviews.
    Right now i am feeling so apprehensive it has paralyzed me mentally and psychologically. Right now i feel like somebody jst give me a job or atleast an internship without too much of interview . but that seems like asking too much from corporates. my parents are saying they are willing to pay also to get my work done, but some honest rats want me to go through the grind even though i just don't feel like it. I have neither the enthusiasm nor the energy nor the patience. despite so much encouragement from my parents, i just dont feel up to it.
    my parents saying "tu kyu inna dil chhadi jaanda" but i cant help it. I am jst so sick of everything and feel sleepy . I feel like somebody please give me a job or internship on silver platter and i wud be all ok after it because then i wud have hausla . right now feeling like crap :( have appointed a date with psychologist. hope she bails my {censored word, do not repeat.} out of this hell
     
  15. Harry Haller

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    yes, I feel like that sometimes, some of us do not have a choice though, we have to keep going, it is the difference between surviving and dying, note, I did not say winning and dying, for a lot of people, just getting through the day to tomorrow is hard enough. If you did not have the choice would you still feel this way? Is it the indulgent attitude of those around you that is feeding this?

    again, a lot of people are fed up with assessments, reviews, tests, but they are a vital part of our life, both in education and in after that in work.
    you say right now, but with the greatest of respect this is a common theme in a lot of your posts, dating back many years, do you not see that this is not a new problem, this is a problem routed back many years, if you do nothing about it, nothing will change, you will always feel this way.

    and how do you feel you will meet the challenges of this once someone has done this for you? How would you do in a job? do you think your thinking will change if someone just gives you a chance, but it seems to me that people have been giving you chances all your life, but it seems easier to play the 'Im gay and misunderstood' card.

    is it? this seems an incredibly self indulgent statement.

    why don't you see if your parents can pay someone to go to work for you!

    sorry that is not going to happen, all that will happen is she will charge you lots of money and allow you to explain in huge and expensive detail why you are the way you are, enjoyable, but for someone like you, pointless, you need to grow up a bit and stop relying on the good nature of your parents.

    please try and take some responsibility for what is happening in your life, start with baby steps, try and be a bit more motivated, a bit more adult, even if you occupy your time finding interviews, finding a job, and then hold down that job, it will make you feel a hundered times better, even if you just do nothing more than try, instead of giving up and paying someone to take the pain away.
     
  16. Seeker2013

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    yes its a problem rooted many years back. But that doesn't mean I can't solve it now :)
    consulting a Psychiatrist too . whats the worst that cud happen ? u loose a little money but u won't regret that u didn't consulted. My mom consulted him for anxiety attacks and his meds worked wonder for him. While I appreciate your "toughen up" stance, sometimes you need intervention.
    Right now I am feeling like the guy in punjabi movie 'fateh' . you see that weak, wimpy gay who is tutored by a strong and hard coach and then actually wins ! it wud be lucky enough to have such a coach.
    hey and I AM going for interviews. a job letter wud reduce the anxiety though :D

    Also should I not side by side keep living my life ? because I thought i wud live and enjoy once I get a job. but is this attitude not wrong ? shud I keep challenging myself daily , be it diving in deep end of swimming pool or anything else which makes me feel scared.
    Atleast that I can do . All I can do is take steps now.
     
  17. Harry Haller

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    of course, but please do keep trying to solve it, rather than be prepared to just throw money at it.
    you waste time, which is precious in your situation, or you end up seeing someone who takes you further away from the solution.

    my wife is on meds, I have seen first hand what they do, but each to his own,
    good, I am not trying to be cruel, but if you have enough people around you supporting you, then a few with tough love will give your problem some balance
    without a doubt
    Sorry :) I do not watch movies, but I will look that one up
    excellent
    in my view, no, this is what I would call 'bad times' you need to put all your energy, time, anger, strength into getting out of the black hole that you have landed in. Living normally suggests things are not that bad, and if they are not, then that is great, but if they are and all you are doing is putting your head in the sand, then complacency will follow and you will be stuck here for a while. As I understand it, you need to make a big push and draw a line under the way you feel. Once you have pushed out of the crisis zone, of course life is for living. There is a big parade of shops where mine is, trade is slow for all of us, I retail, web sale, wholesale, in fact any avenue I can sell laptops and computers I will do it. I have been without a car since the Range Rover died, preferring instead to spend the money on a decent member of staff to help me, I work maybe 13-16 hours a day, 7 days a week, but I am lucky in that I love being here, and I think I have a great life, sometimes it is tempting to 'live' a little, but I cannot afford to get the 'war footing' attitude out of my head, and in a war, which is where you are too, life is not normal, you are in a warzone, you need to focus on the battle ahead and every day try and win some ground. In contrast there is another shop just a few shops up from mine, they are always complaining about money and trade, yet they religiously close midweek as they 'need a day off' (together with the weekend), and they regularly go on holiday. Their shop is absolutely dying on its {censored word, do not repeat.}. I guess it is up to you how seriously YOU view your problems, sure you can write about them, tell people about them, cry on the shoulders of friends and family, but what are YOU going to do about getting out of this?

    get a job first then live and enjoy all you want, your battle is not that big, with some determination and energy, your war is winnable,
    then you will be scared for the rest of your life, but after a few sessions in the deep end, the fear will vanish, take instruction, learn, develop, grow, that is what life is all about
    dont stop, don't be Hitler in the bunker waiting for the russians with a cyanide pill in your hand. get out there and fight
     
  18. Seeker2013

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    "Is it the indulgent attitude of those around you that is feeding this?"

    Yes I think so ! this could well be the case. Would everyone in this forum draw a leaf from my experience here and agree that over protecting and pampering of children only leads them to be spineless !?
    Right now my dad is also in a sort of financial crisis, which means lesser encouraging words for me from their side. or should I say lesser pampering . And ironically I feel more to do from my side when that happens.
    Now I don't wish to go in another whiny train of my issues, but right now I need some hausla and encouragement from people that despite me completing my graduation in 2010 and a 4-5 yr gap , I can STILL get a job in IT, salary doesn't matter , company size doesn't matter. All it matters right now is me sticking in somewhere and working my way up with much lesser anxiety and nervousness I am in right now.

    Be honest , Harry Haller, If I keep trying and perhaps add one or two projects to my resume, I will get a job, right ? what do u think ?

    some arses have scared me that I won't get it anyway easy because I have a gaping gap in my resume and no experience. And no way I am going to join a call center . It would give me yet another anxiety attack. >_<
    after all why should my IT career of lifetime be dead just because I made mistakes in my young adult years.
     
  19. Seeker2013

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    having seen my thread history on this forum, I find it hard to believe how my life has got screwed over all these years. waheguru ! anyways bye
     
  20. Harry Haller

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    Accept that you have been spoilt, make a decision to grow, to mature, if I were you I would actually go and work in a call centre, so you would realise that first, it is not that bad, and second, the people there are not that bad, you see, your biggest problem is that if you did do this, you in yourself would feel that you had failed, and to be honest, I see this as a recurring theme in your posts, you are so scared of failure, you have decided it is easier not to try and have someone give you what you fail at, on a silver platter, anything than face up to the fact that you have failed seems easier.

    Allow me to share something with you, I have failed all my life, but I do not see myself as a failure, I just tried to do a lot of things, so I am happy I lived, I did everything I wanted to do, to the point that there is little left I actually want to do, I think this is called contentment!

    I also have no fear, of anything, especially death, I have looked the Grim Reaper in the eye, to date, more than a dozen times, and although I have always had a last minute reprieve, I have always been ready to die, so now, I have no fears, but thinking back to when I was your age, my biggest fear was social ridicule from the community, what if people find out what I am really like, the pain to my parents, etc etc.

    You have a long life ahead of you, these problems that you think are problems, are nothing of the sort, you just need to 'get your head round them'.

    your life did not get screwed up, you did not get an incurable disease, you did not lose your legs in a car accident, you screwed it up yourself, the objective now is first stop screwing up, and second, start living.

    If a farmer plants seeds, he has a better chance of a crop than if he doesn't.

    come the hour, come the man, you need to stand next to your dad and help, in anyway you can, it will work wonders for your self confidence and also the way that they see you. Stop being a burden on the poor man, you do not have that luxury.
     
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  21. chazSingh

    chazSingh Ireland
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    i think i might have gone through something similar...in fact i think it is the moment i felt very deep depression which kind of blew me away. i earned a degree, and then a masters but struggled to find a job. i then went into business with a good friend...things were good for the first year but in the second year i found i was working flat out whilst my friend did very little. so i stopped the business and started looking for work again and couldnt find a job again...and thats the point where i hit rock bottom, my thoughts tormented me day and night...that i was a failure, i have 2 degrees and cannot find work and my business failed.

    to be truthful...i went to the gurdwara and internally poured my heart out...a little later i found a training course that re-inforced my skills, got me up to speed and i then found a job. during this whole time i was still feeling depressed, but i somehow remained focussed on spending all day everyday doing this course and leaning the skills.

    most people that know me on this forum know that i do aa lot of meditation and Simran...and my belief is during those times, Simran kept me focussed, allowed me to move forward, complete the course and gain the confidence to believe in myself again.

    you cannot hear the solutions that come from within if your mind is cluttered with negative thoughts. a focussed mind will come through everything...
     
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