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HELP!!! Sikh Guy with White English Girl

Discussion in 'Love & Marriage' started by Scott.D, Sep 18, 2010.

  1. Scott.D

    Scott.D
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    White bloke in a relationship with a Sikh girl, without her family knowing

    Good afternoon all.

    I am new to this site and this is my first thread, so please be kind.

    Right where do I begin.
    I've been dating this girl for around 6 months now, but we've had to keep our relationship secret from her family, due to me not being a Sikh, being white and also her parents wanting her to have an arranged marriage.

    She has alway quite openly given her objections about how an arranged marriage would not work for her, that she wants to be in Love before she marries, but her dad has told her if that is the case then she will have to deal with the consequences.
    Also she has been told she will be marrying a Jatt Sikh, which is considered quite a good due to Jatt's being associated with landowners, but she has always told me that is against what Sikhism is about, equality.
    After joining this forum, and reading quite a number of threads seems to back her view up.

    Her sister recently found out about us, the reaction wasn't good.
    She told her to dump me asap, to which she started telling her 'do you know how this will affect our parents, it will destroy them' etc.
    She continued, with saying how she didn't know what she really wanted, and should go and see a doctor, he might refer her to a councillor, believing the only reason she was with me, was to take her mind off not having a job(she graduated from University about a 2-3 years ago).
    The thing she has told me that her sister has also had a long term relationship in secret while at university herself, but broke it off at the end of University, due to her parents and in the future having an arranged marriage herself.
    The main reason why I've added this, I was wanting other people’s opinions on this, how can she advise her on all the above, when she herself, by her own standards has betrayed her parents.
    The only difference is her sister hasn't followed her heart and told her parent about this relationship.

    Which leads me onto the main reason why I've decided to write this thread, She has said that she wants to be 100% certain that I am right for her before she tells her parents about me, to which she has said she is 90% certain at the moment, but wants some more time to get to know me better.
    Which I am perfectly fine with, however I am worried, since the longer she leaves telling her parents the more angry they will be, due to her having to lie to them where she is going for the weekend, and when they find out say we've together for over a year, I'm not sure how they will react.

    Thanks for reading my post; I hope everyone has a good weekend.

    Scott.D
     
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  3. Seeker9

    Seeker9 United Kingdom
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    Re: White bloke in a relationship with a Sikh girl, without her family knowing

    Hi Scott

    Like Shakespeare said: "The course of truelove never did run smooth"

    Personally I think honesty is always the best policy and your partner will have to come clean with her family, even more so now that her sister already knows

    Sadly, there's a bit of a ticking time bomb that's pretty much guaranteed to explode and the longer you leave it, the bigger the explosion will be

    She will also be put under increasing pressure to do the arranged marriage thing and her parents will probably start arranging interviews with eligible guys and she will say No to them, which isn't really fair to those guys or their families

    So my advice would be to get this out into the open sooner than later and certainly before any interviews are arranged

    Good luck and I wish you both well
     
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  4. kds1980

    kds1980 India
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    Re: White bloke in a relationship with a Sikh girl, without her family knowing



    Dear scott

    Many times elder Children are quite mature and do understand the family situation much better than there younger siblings.If your Gfs elder sister had broken her Relationship it means she very well knows that There parents are not going to accept these type of Relationships

    Unlike others I just want to say that there is very good chance that your GF is going to be disowned by her Family if she marries you.So be prepared for the consequences and ask Your Gf that is she ready to leave her family? If not then you should end this Relationship
     
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  5. Tejwant Singh

    Tejwant Singh United States
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    Re: White bloke in a relationship with a Sikh girl, without her family knowing

    Scott,

    Greetings.

    You have out yourself in a jam to put it lightly. Let's try to dissect the situation in a pragmatic manner which Sikhi is based on.

    1. Why isn't your gf working? What are the hiccups?
    2. Can your work support both of you and the kids you may plan to have?
    3. Can your value system compliment hers or would it create a conflict?
    4. As alcohol is forbidden in Sikhi, do you both or either of you drink?
    5. Does any of her family member drink?

    As her parents are adamant that she is going to marry into a Jatt family, it shows that it is not about Sikhi but of a tribal mentality which can put yours and/or her life in jeopardy. Just keep in mind her sister's decision to breakup with a person and the reasons behind it.

    So, I would ask you to think about all these things. Once you do, then you may really find the true meaning of love which is for the welfare of the ones we claim to love.

    Good luck.

    Regards

    Tejwant Singh
     
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  6. Scott.D

    Scott.D
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    Re: White bloke in a relationship with a Sikh girl, without her family knowing

    Good evening all.

    My apologies with replying so late.

    Can I just thank everyone for their input in this situation.

    I think I can do a joint answer for part of both of your Comments Kanwardeep Singh & Tejwant Singh, with regards to potential consequences of my gf's actions with her parents/family
    She has had relationships before me, when she’s been at University, ranging from 4 months, to over a year and all of them she has had to say she’s going to have to break up with them , due the situation with her family.
    It’s been about two years since she's been in a relationship, that’s when she met me.
    She has told me that she does feel different about me compared to the others, and in some certain respects that I'm giving her the courage to be able to tell her parents about us.
    To which I'm not overly happy about because this is such a big decision for her, but it should be her choice alone and not influenced by me.
    As you've said Kanwardeep, her family may disown her, she has mentioned that possibility, but she's said to me, that she just wouldn't be able to cope with the arranged marriage.
    I think it’s because of this that she is taking her time and thinking it through properly before any rash decisions are made, which is a good thing, since I don't want her regret it and then perhaps resent me because of the consequences with her family.

    Also I'd just like to mention, that it is just her immediate family who are like this, one of her cousins is in actual fact married to a white man, and according my gf, her parents were angry to begin with not because he was white or any of things I said in above about myself and my gf, but more due to the fact she just announced to them that they were getting married right out of the blue.


    In answer to you set questions Tejwant.

    1. The main reason why she isn't working is due to her graduating just as the recession hit us in the UK, and the industry she wants to work in has been hit quite badly.
    She has done much internship as well, to try and get more experience so she can put it in her CV to make her more employable, but is still finding it quite tough.

    2. I believe my own job can support both of us, however having children would make it difficult, but it could be possible (there is no such thing as you can't do something in my mind, just different routes you have to take to get there)
    That said though she has always told me she wants to work, and not just be a sit at home wife, making the tea & popping out the babies as she put, which is fine by me I’ve always wanted a 50/50 relationship, so I can glad we have the same views on that.

    3. What do you mean by value system, are you referring to Morals and ethics, if so yes our Morals and ethics are very similar, I think that’s one of the reasons why we do so well as a couple.

    4. Yes both her & myself drink, although not excessively, especially myself.
    I'm going to sound quite odd now, but I don't like to drink much because it reduces your testosterone levels, which impacts on my exercise and doing my sports,

    5. Her sister drinks, but I’m not sure about her mum, dad & brother, I do know that most of her extended family do drink as well.


    Thanks again for spending the time to read my post and also to reply to it.

    Regards.

    Scott.D
     
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  7. spnadmin

    spnadmin United States
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    Re: White bloke in a relationship with a Sikh girl, without her family knowing

    scott ji

    It is interesting that you have focused in so many words more on respected Tejwant Singh's question about drink. But you have not responded to, or perhaps avoided, this part of his reply. What are your thoughts?
     
  8. kds1980

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    Re: White bloke in a relationship with a Sikh girl, without her family knowing

    Dear scott

    I don't want to break your heart but If she had broken her previous relationships then there is very good chance that she may break with you.You are saying that she is said she feels special with you ,Are you 100% sure that she had not said it to her previous B/Fs.With time we all get changed,Your Relationship is just 6 months old,Give it time like 3-4 years and then decide.Today she is saying that she won't be able to cope with arrange marriage may be tomorrow her family introduce to a guy with whom she find things comfortable then what?
     
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  9. kds1980

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    Re: White bloke in a relationship with a Sikh girl, without her family knowing

    Scott

    Please look at following thread on another sikh forum.It has account of 3 white women who have dated and are pregnant by their sikh B/fs ,but all of them have written that their sikh B/fs have clearly told them they can't marry them as they cannot go against their family.If Boys can't do it you can imagine how difficult it is for a girl to go against their family

    http://www.{url not allowed}/discussion/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3844
     
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  10. Seeker9

    Seeker9 United Kingdom
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    Re: White bloke in a relationship with a Sikh girl, without her family knowing

    My dear fellow SPNers

    I think we are all agreed that family, especially a proud Jatt family as Tejwant Ji noted earlier, is the big problem

    Question I would like to pose is do Scott and his partner abandon all hope now or do they try communicating with the family first?

    This is something Scott's partner will have to think about very carefully

    But as I said earlier, some sort of decision has to be taken soon...secrecy and going behind people's backs always backfires in the end
     
  11. Tejwant Singh

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    Re: White bloke in a relationship with a Sikh girl, without her family knowing

    Scott,

    What I am going to say now, please do not take it personally. I was your age once upon a time and I have also been through certain things in a similar manner.

    So far, I have not read anything from your viewpoint about what kind of sacrifices are you ready to make for this relationship to work. It seems that all the burden lies on her.

    So, let me ask you, what are you ready to sacrifice?

    As you guys have been together and as you did mention that she has had other affairs before she met you with whom she broke off, I am almost certain that besides drinking, sex is also involved which is a natural step in building up the relationship.

    So, she drinks, is sexually active and her parents expect her to marry a Jatt. Can you see her conflicts and dilemmas?

    What happens if the Jatt boy who is arranged for her is looking for a virgin? Where would she stand then?

    As mentioned in my initial post, this is not about Sikhi but the tribal mentality of some who are still nailed to the caste system. In other words, it is a Talibanisation of Sikhi

    I would request you to see these things in a deeper manner and with her welfare in mind before you coerce her into announcing her relationship with you to her parents. She has a lot at stake and a lot more to lose than you do. If all fails, this will just end up being one more score for you which is a normal thing for a man. Been there, done that.

    I apologise for being blunt.

    Regards

    Tejwant Singh
     
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  12. jane2010

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    Interfaith Relationships: A Sikh Man with an English Girl

    mundahug Hi Everyone, I'am a 25 year old English girl, I'am a professional nurse,I'll refer my boyfriend as (S), i met a British born Sikh man at work 2 years ago, within the last 6 months myself a S got talking and couldnt believe how much we had in common it was un-real there was deffiently a connection there, i would never think about getting with a non-white man before, i never been in that situation to have, but instanly i didnt care, it didnt bother me what so ever.

    We would spend near enough the whole day together at work, always talking, meeting up for breaks, At first we were really good friends. Once a month all the staff go out as a group for a night out, i invited S to come out that particular night, which he came, we had a good time and we both felt a strong connection, the next month when we went out with all the staff, we kissed, since then we have been in a relationship secretly. I told my mum about S and she was fine and didnt have any problems with S, they have met eachother and got on really well.

    S has always been honest with me and told me that his family may not accept me as iam not a sikh girl, which is really frustrating as his uncle has married a white girl and she has been accepted, they have been married for over 20 years and have children, also his cousin has a white girlfriend too. S is worried about how his mum and dad will take the news! do you think there could be a chance considering other members of his family are in relationships with other english women.

    S has told me that he only wants to be with me and does not want anyone else or an arranged marriage, he has told me that he will tell his mum and dad when his ready too, and promised he will not hurt me he gave me his word and i do believe him. i would appreiciate any comments and suggestions about whats the best way to tell his parents about me?? kind regurds Jane
     
  13. skeptic.freethinker1

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    re: A Sikh man with an English girl

    Hi Jane,
    I don't know much about your boyfriend's parents, so can't really say what their reaction would be. But many of my cousin brother and sisters have white spouses and their parents are fine with it. In most cases their would be some initial hesitation and resistance primarily because in Indian culture, marriage is a life long commitment which impacts the entire family. So you will need to be patient with them and show them that you truly respect their culture.

    My cousin brother had these problems too but now he has been married for over 15 years and his parents love their daughter in law.

    Important thing is that you don't rush into anything and that you both are sure yourselves that this is what you both want. There is going to be a bit of a culture shock for both of you and it's important you understand well what you are getting into.

    Best of luck.:thumbsupp:
     
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  14. jane2010

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    re: A Sikh man with an English girl

    Thanks for your'e message skeptic freethinker1, You have helped me alot, thanks for you're kindness, Janewahmunda
     
  15. jane2010

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    Mixed Relationships

    Can a sikh be with a non sikh? Can this work? If anyone has been in this kind of situation or have any experiance please share
     
  16. Randip Singh

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    re: Interfaith Relationships: A Sikh Man with an English Girl

    Some do work.

    We have members here who have. To my mind however, the vast majority come up against problems.

    The question is not of mixed relationships but of Sikhs with non-Sikhs.

    Sikhs are from many countries.
     
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  17. ac_marshall

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    re: Interfaith Relationships: A Sikh Man with an English Girl

    I don't find any problem in a non-Sikh living with a Sikh. I'm a non-Sikh. I had a Sikh room mate during my university days with whom I still maintain a close bond. My trainer in the early days of my career was also a Sikh who still maintains close relationship with me. I grew among a number of Sikhs for nearly 2 years in the late 80s (while Punjab was on the boil) and still maintain conducive relations with all those friends of mine. I have lived and dined with Sikhs without any problem. As long as people respect each other's faiths and do not try to impose their principles on others, there won't be any problem. Recognizing Human Race as One is a major tenet of Sikhism which is followed religiously. In medieval and modern days, it has been one of the religions in India that spread by choice and not by force.
     
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  18. kds1980

    kds1980 India
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    re: Interfaith Relationships: A Sikh Man with an English Girl

    Here is her orginal thread.She is asking about marital relationship

    http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/relationships/32417-a-sikh-man-with-english-girl.html
     
  19. Randip Singh

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    Re: A Sikh man with an English girl

    Hi Jane one thing to bare in mind. I shall pull out the research, but Sikhs were found to still be one of the most endogamous groups in the UK, i.e. Sikhs marrying Sikhs is still considered the norm amongst Sikhs and is so, and marrying a non-Sikh considered a blip.

    From personal experience from the hundreds of family members married in my family, I can count 3 maybe 4 married outside the Sikh endogamous group. A we are quite a "liberal" family.

    If you guys are serious then, make sure you guys do get married though as having kids outside marriage is considered quite bad.
     
  20. kds1980

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    re: Interfaith Relationships: A Sikh Man with an English Girl

    Yes I think they should be merged.People here are confusing it with a sikh living with non sikh ,while the problem mentioned by her is about marriage

    The threads have been merged under a new title. Interfaith Relationships: A Sikh Man with an English Girl

    spnadmin
     
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  21. Chaan Pardesi

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    Re: Interfaith Relationships: A Sikh Man with an English Girl

    Jane, the best way, would to be straight and honest with all and yourselves, to begin with.There is absolutely nothing wrong as todays' society sees the issue.There may be some opposition from the more orthodox families, as would any other family of another faith react should one of their own marry outside the faith.Sikh faith and Sikhs are probably no exception in this.In your own case, you are English and you are not Sikh.In legal terms one may refer to this as 'double jeopardy', so your task is perhaps twice as hard.Culture, language, social norms, ettiquette, mode of dress, humour etc would all be different [to each other;perhaps more for you than him]

    However, it must be said that Sikhs are one group where a significant number has married out of the faith,some retaining their own identity and culture and many then simply loosing the origins.Despite such, the majority of the Sikhs would be resistent to accept "outsider- faithed people or of different racil origins.

    Converts to the Sikh faith are welcome,although active proslytising is not the norm within the community. as Sikhism equates equal respect to all other faiths.

    The general view of Sikhs would be, what is prevalent among other communities in such circumstances , that followers of two different faiths are not likely to move smoothly, once the "honeymoon " period is over and the reallities of life start piling upon the newly wedded couple.It is said, it can be celebrated,but it cannot be lived with.Question is how could 'one soul'[as Sikhism regards the blissful union of marriage ] have two different faiths?A person cannot walk on two different paths at the same time.Faith is not a philosophy to learnt, but a path to be followed.Respecting a person of another faith is totally different that living with that person as a spouse!

    [I completed the reply, but it disappeared as I may have timed myself out of the site.Will do it gain later, apologies]
     

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