YES, it is possible for a Jatt Sikh to marry a white English person. How do I know? Because I did and I did it the harder way … English boy and Jatt Sikh girl.
But you have to be realistic about your situation and your chances. And realistic about what your REAL problems are and how to face them. Love will get you to the starting line, but you need “a plan” to end up at the finish line married.
The Chances –
You have to be realistic … a less than 10% of being successful.
Your chances would be better if he were the youngest in the family; less expectations than on the eldest, better if he is less “successful” in education or profession, because of reduced expectations. Better if he has been divorced (because he is already done his duty of one arranged marriage and it didn’t work). Double check if he has been divorced, often a guy will get married in his late teens/early twenties and then divorced, this would help you a lot. You can say he tried arranged marriage it didn’t work etc. etc.. Also the older he gets the more family expectations fall from a “Jatt Sikh girl” to “high caste Sikh girl” to “a good Sikh girl” to a “nice Desi girl” to a “Indian looking girl” to finally “oh my god, I hope he is not gay, let him marry ANY girl”.
Because your chances are so small, this means to be successful you have to be willing to do WHATEVER it takes, if your not forget it, you can not win. Because you are facing the fiercest warriors on the face of this planet … and that is just the women.
The Jatt Sikh caste thing IS an issue, not to make light of it, but it is NOT your real problem, your real problem is his family in general and his MOTHER specifically !!
If you can’t win her over to your side, your chance of success drops to less than 2%.
This next part is hard to hear, but you need to see things from his family’s point of view in order to know what you are facing and how to fix it. The family, especially his mother, has spent a lifetime raising her son to the best of her ability and trying to make him into the finest person that she could. She has high hopes for him to be a well educated successful professional who is good looking, well mannered, respectful and a positive contribution to his family, culture, language, religion and people. Whereas you are the “fling” before real marriage, who we tolerated initially because good Sikh girls don’t “date” but now you are getting serious with our son and we better marry him off quick, before you steal him from us, never to be seen again.
If he marries you, we fear we are not only losing our eldest son, who we spent decades on raising and growing, but our family, culture, language, religion and potential grand children who we have already booked a seat in medical college for. Your going to just come in here at the last minute and steal him from us and we will lose him forever.
How do you overcome all that? How will you convince them, that all that is NOT true? You need “a plan”!
The Plan –
First let me say, that for the plan to be successful, it has to be sincere, “faking it” will not do, you have to commit to completely and “mean it” not in some white English superficial way, but deeply and sincerely with all your love and all your heart. It is a hard plan, but go big or go home girl, your playing in the Premier league now.
1. You have to convert to Sikhism as YOUR religion (I warned you this was hard).
2. You have to “try” to learn the language, you don’t have to be fluent.
3. You can not do or say anything that is disrespectful to his family or critical of his mother, not ever. You need to convince them of your kindness and goodness and however unreasonable or mean they may be to you, you must realize they are acting out of fear, like a dog biting you and not let it effect you. You have to rise above it all. This is really hard to do when they are being nasty, but this to shall pass.
4. You need an ally or support person in his family who likes you and who will fight for you. Your best bet is a strong elderly female person who is respected in the family and known for being both liberal-minded and outspoken – a matriarch if you will. Just your BF won’t be enough. You have to speak with her of your true intentions AND your ability to make him happy and then if you feel she knows you, ask her for her “BLESSING and support”. If she blesses you (pats you on the top of the head and says you have her “blessing” your chances go up to 50%.
5. You have to sit down with your BF and help him grow a spine. A TRUE Sikh will stand up and fight for what they believe in, the Guru’s even died for what they believed in (Guru Teg Bahadur). Your BF needs to stand up for you. When the time is right, you are going to have to ask him if he is a ”stand up guy” or not. If the first word out of his mouth is “respect”, then you have to face up to the fact that he is a “coward” and your going to have to do all the fighting for your marriage. Give him a couple of your “bangles” and let him hold onto your “chunny” (scarf that goes with a Punjabi suit) while you do the fighting. But try to make him strong, support him and give him courage.
6. NO trips to India! This one you have to put your foot down. No matter what happens, death in the family, cousin’s marriage, have not been to India in 10 years or long lost friend. If he goes to India at marriage-able age, he is coming back married and it AIN’T to you. Fight with all your might, do not let him go for a trip to India at this point in time or say “Great, I have always wanted to go to India” then quit your job, sell your house and go WITH him.
7. Jatt Sikh and caste system, WARNING this point will make many people angry. Yes, it is a problem. Jatt’s want to marry Jatt’s etc. etc.. The various castes have their problems but you being white don’t have a “caste” and if “white English” were a caste it is a peer not below “Jatt”. Further, the founder of the Sikh religion was Guru Nanak Devji and he specifically banned the caste system. That is why anyone can sit beside anyone in the Gurdwara (temple) and everyone sits together to take Guru’s Langer (meal served after religious services) equally. And here is where your BF being a Jatt will help you, in any group or gathering of Sikh’s there is ALWAYS at least ONE true Sikh and because they think they are more liberal and fair minded of all the castes, they will fight for what is right and true no matter what anyone else says. Therefore in any group there will always be a Jatt Sikh who will stand up for you and say “she has converted to Sikhism, caste is NO bar”. The caste thing is soooo wrong and core to the Sikh religion and Guru’s teachings, it is like a Christian saying there was nothing special about Jesus. Out in the street the Jatt caste thing is a big deal, inside the Gurdwara it is not … proof, ask any Sikh to put their hand on the Guru Granth Sahib (Sikh holy book) and swear Guru teaches only Jatt marries Jatt … they will get furiously mad, but they won’t do it, because Guru teaches the opposite. Sorry if I have offended on this one.
8. You need to have a female (young or old) Sikh friend to advise you. If his family does this or that, what does it mean and how should you react, what should you do? The little ins and outs of these things can be tricky and you don’t want to misread or misunderstand what is occurring. Sikhs are good and fair people, someone will help you. This person can also teach you how to make indian food, pick out indian suits and generally become an expert in the culture. Seriously, mothers worry about whether their son will eat right after marriage. Become a good indian cook and soothe her fears. Whatever you can do help. Also is anyone in your family a Doctor or Dentist, are you? The higher the standing of your family in hte community the lower the hurdles. A rich white doctor outranks a Jatt Cab driver and result in less family concerns. Stress you job and imcome and willingness to help others in his family get jobs. Take your BF home to meet your parents, who have their doubts about him or accepts him.
9. Time is your friend. The longer this all takes the better for you. The more his family gets to see you, the more they get to know you, the more they see he is happy with you, the more used to the idea they get. Do not make the mistake of trying to rush him to marry you, that will only make them want to speed up the arranged marriage. The longer it takes the more you get to impress them with your abilities, sincerity, honesty, education, profession etc. etc..
10. You need to soothe their fears, tell his family you are converting, learning the language, planning on grand children, wanting them to grow up Sikh, you don’t believe in divorce, you will stand by your man, you can support your BF, you will make him a better person, you will make him happy, you will take care of HIS parents when they are old, they can count on you because LOVE marriage is stronger than an arranged marriage and you will do it because you LOVE him, not out of phony and insincere “respect”. Take away what they are worried about and the fear of you goes away.
And lastly, luck and you will need lots of luck.
