- Jan 31, 2011
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Alone again, at last, for the first time in 22 years, the screaming has stopped, everything is peaceful, for 22 years, in order to atone for my life then, I have invited people into my life, into my head, and I have given them everything, that is not to say, I suffered any loss, I gave freely because that is what my role is, I am a Sikh, Sikhs give, and after 22 years of giving, I find myself here in my shop, 46 years and all I have to show is a few tins of rice pudding and 3 black bags, I feel a bit disappointed, I think if I had filled maybe 5 black bags, I would have been happier, but I digress, tomorrow, I go back home, to my room at my parents, to gobi aloo for dinner again, I am looking forward to it so what HAVE I learned?
I thought it was the right thing to do was to be yourself, to be you, without the pride, the ego, the matching socks, just you. Find out who you are, and be that person, except it does not quite work like that, everyone is playing a game, everyone is putting on a front, I believe they have a word for it, personality, and in this world, personality is worth more than character, to my mind, people will forgive you for anything, provided your fake personality gives them what they want, it is easier to take from character than it is from personality, characters can be manipulated, can be lied to, can be bent. It seems far easier to live as a personality with boundaries, than as a character with none. I also recognize that I have a strange affliction, I feel peoples pain, acutely, especially those I spend time with, to the point it takes over my life, and I focus solely on fixing that pain, not so much because I am a great kinda guy, but because the I want the pain to stop. There are only two ways of doing this, walking away, or bedding down for the long term. 22 Years and I am now an expert on pain, all sorts of pain, emotional, physical, you name it, I've felt it, and all in the name of the truth, well that's how it felt at the time, of course now I know, that I gave, but without logic, discretion, intelligence, wisdom. I gave indiscriminately, whereas there is an art to giving, helping, I fell for the oldest Abrahamic trap in the world, I thought being good was enough, but its not, one has to be good with thought, with wisdom, the hardest thing in the world, tough love.
Its Saturday night, I have no wish to be anywhere else in the world, dusk is falling, the shop is filling with empty rice pudding cans, James Blunt sings his heart out by way of a bad love song, I am getting closer, closer to the answers, the inside, it is so precious, so valuable, it cannot be shared willy nilly, there are no soul mates, 2 do not become one, I have always seen myself as a mercenary of god, I don't get the medals, or attend any of the ceremonies or even wear the uniform, such things are tiresome, but I felt I had a genuine bond with something that tried to get the best out of me, not for me, but for others, even this was fully acceptable, but there is a fine line between teaching someone to fish, and getting the fish for them, it is a pity you cannot see the line until long after.
So what now, another relationship, no, that is impossible, false relationships do nothing for me, and I am not prepared to go through another 22 years of screaming, of howling, like a mad imprisoned animal, I close my eyes, I can smell rice pudding, yesterdays goat curry, I sniff again, yes, the smell of freedom, no more howling, no more screaming, no more clowns, no more wolves, no more anything, I am a blank canvas, the implosion of a million different personalities is settling, the dust is starting to clear, what is left is nothing.
Nothing is a good place to start
I thought it was the right thing to do was to be yourself, to be you, without the pride, the ego, the matching socks, just you. Find out who you are, and be that person, except it does not quite work like that, everyone is playing a game, everyone is putting on a front, I believe they have a word for it, personality, and in this world, personality is worth more than character, to my mind, people will forgive you for anything, provided your fake personality gives them what they want, it is easier to take from character than it is from personality, characters can be manipulated, can be lied to, can be bent. It seems far easier to live as a personality with boundaries, than as a character with none. I also recognize that I have a strange affliction, I feel peoples pain, acutely, especially those I spend time with, to the point it takes over my life, and I focus solely on fixing that pain, not so much because I am a great kinda guy, but because the I want the pain to stop. There are only two ways of doing this, walking away, or bedding down for the long term. 22 Years and I am now an expert on pain, all sorts of pain, emotional, physical, you name it, I've felt it, and all in the name of the truth, well that's how it felt at the time, of course now I know, that I gave, but without logic, discretion, intelligence, wisdom. I gave indiscriminately, whereas there is an art to giving, helping, I fell for the oldest Abrahamic trap in the world, I thought being good was enough, but its not, one has to be good with thought, with wisdom, the hardest thing in the world, tough love.
Its Saturday night, I have no wish to be anywhere else in the world, dusk is falling, the shop is filling with empty rice pudding cans, James Blunt sings his heart out by way of a bad love song, I am getting closer, closer to the answers, the inside, it is so precious, so valuable, it cannot be shared willy nilly, there are no soul mates, 2 do not become one, I have always seen myself as a mercenary of god, I don't get the medals, or attend any of the ceremonies or even wear the uniform, such things are tiresome, but I felt I had a genuine bond with something that tried to get the best out of me, not for me, but for others, even this was fully acceptable, but there is a fine line between teaching someone to fish, and getting the fish for them, it is a pity you cannot see the line until long after.
So what now, another relationship, no, that is impossible, false relationships do nothing for me, and I am not prepared to go through another 22 years of screaming, of howling, like a mad imprisoned animal, I close my eyes, I can smell rice pudding, yesterdays goat curry, I sniff again, yes, the smell of freedom, no more howling, no more screaming, no more clowns, no more wolves, no more anything, I am a blank canvas, the implosion of a million different personalities is settling, the dust is starting to clear, what is left is nothing.
Nothing is a good place to start