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Alone At Last

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, May 1, 2016.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Alone again, at last, for the first time in 22 years, the screaming has stopped, everything is peaceful, for 22 years, in order to atone for my life then, I have invited people into my life, into my head, and I have given them everything, that is not to say, I suffered any loss, I gave freely because that is what my role is, I am a Sikh, Sikhs give, and after 22 years of giving, I find myself here in my shop, 46 years and all I have to show is a few tins of rice pudding and 3 black bags, I feel a bit disappointed, I think if I had filled maybe 5 black bags, I would have been happier, but I digress, tomorrow, I go back home, to my room at my parents, to gobi aloo for dinner again, I am looking forward to it so what HAVE I learned?

    peace.jpg

    I thought it was the right thing to do was to be yourself, to be you, without the pride, the ego, the matching socks, just you. Find out who you are, and be that person, except it does not quite work like that, everyone is playing a game, everyone is putting on a front, I believe they have a word for it, personality, and in this world, personality is worth more than character, to my mind, people will forgive you for anything, provided your fake personality gives them what they want, it is easier to take from character than it is from personality, characters can be manipulated, can be lied to, can be bent. It seems far easier to live as a personality with boundaries, than as a character with none. I also recognize that I have a strange affliction, I feel peoples pain, acutely, especially those I spend time with, to the point it takes over my life, and I focus solely on fixing that pain, not so much because I am a great kinda guy, but because the I want the pain to stop. There are only two ways of doing this, walking away, or bedding down for the long term. 22 Years and I am now an expert on pain, all sorts of pain, emotional, physical, you name it, I've felt it, and all in the name of the truth, well that's how it felt at the time, of course now I know, that I gave, but without logic, discretion, intelligence, wisdom. I gave indiscriminately, whereas there is an art to giving, helping, I fell for the oldest Abrahamic trap in the world, I thought being good was enough, but its not, one has to be good with thought, with wisdom, the hardest thing in the world, tough love.

    Its Saturday night, I have no wish to be anywhere else in the world, dusk is falling, the shop is filling with empty rice pudding cans, James Blunt sings his heart out by way of a bad love song, I am getting closer, closer to the answers, the inside, it is so precious, so valuable, it cannot be shared willy nilly, there are no soul mates, 2 do not become one, I have always seen myself as a mercenary of god, I don't get the medals, or attend any of the ceremonies or even wear the uniform, such things are tiresome, but I felt I had a genuine bond with something that tried to get the best out of me, not for me, but for others, even this was fully acceptable, but there is a fine line between teaching someone to fish, and getting the fish for them, it is a pity you cannot see the line until long after.

    So what now, another relationship, no, that is impossible, false relationships do nothing for me, and I am not prepared to go through another 22 years of screaming, of howling, like a mad imprisoned animal, I close my eyes, I can smell rice pudding, yesterdays goat curry, I sniff again, yes, the smell of freedom, no more howling, no more screaming, no more clowns, no more wolves, no more anything, I am a blank canvas, the implosion of a million different personalities is settling, the dust is starting to clear, what is left is nothing.



    Nothing is a good place to start
     
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  3. Seeker2013

    Seeker2013 India
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    I hope you find peace even if it means remaining single .
    You ate the ladoo of marriage and so did your partner. Either you or your partner vomited out, but atleast you guys tasted it .
    Now after companionship , you're back to being single again but hey atleast you got the journey.
    I didn't even get the journey , and I guess I am not allowed to , just because I swing differently .
    You said "I wish I were you" , you wouldn't be saying that if you lived in india where the difference between the last-to-last generation and the new one is only that of dhoti and trousers. Otherwise its the same stinky, orthodox, conservative mindsets that make life of people like me difficult.
    So I guess we're not in much different boats.
    peace
     
  4. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    I have found my peace finally, it is in my solitude and being pretty much able to do whatever the hell it is I wish, it means that I can finally put into practice everything I have learned over the years, about people, personalities, characters. No I did not eat the ladoo of marriage, I just spent a long time making lots of ladoos, and watching everyone else eat them!

    I am not actually that big on companionship, i do not feel at all lonely now, although I did feel very lonely when I was in a relationship.

    When I was your age, I was a young man in the UK, times were different then, I was the only turbaned man for miles around, my parents were trying to get me married, I was told that if I had even one relationship, I was out of the family house, I had the same pressures you were under, but I found company, found people, I was just myself, you could quite easily do the same, if I were to believe that every gay Sikh man in India lived like you do, that would be a lie, even in India, there are Sikh gay men, quietly getting on with their lives, having fun, being good sons, being good friends, being productive, but also being themselves, it takes courage, balls, not to curl up and die and keep fighting, even if what your fighting for is a night of passion, and believe I have fought and made sacrifices just for that very reason, so, no, we are not that different.

    You have to fight for your life, and what makes you happy, you have to compromise, and you have to be tactful and with it, I wish I was you, and I wish I knew what I know now, and believe me, I would be having the time of my life, beats me why your not.
     
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  5. Tejwant Singh

    Tejwant Singh United States
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    Solitude is must for one's own serenity.
     
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  6. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    We are now talking about a complete reverse ferret, for 20 years I have been happy to be open, completely open with all and sundry, call it an experiment, what would happen if one told only the truth, if one put everyone else's needs above their own, if one were generous, kind, understanding, patient, well, having done it, no, it does not work, it does not breed goodness or grace, it breeds reliance, when they talk about the above facets, they talk about having the above facets to a limit, I still cannot believe it could be this easy, one needs to show and be 80% of what one is, anything more is dangerous to the self.

    I tidied the shop today, I feel strange, for some reason, it feels like its 1995 again, I see cars from that era and they look normal and proper, and then I see the current world and it is like I am an alien in a strange land, spending so much time in this shop for 15 hours a day 7 days a week has turned me into a present day crocodile dundee, a quote from Hesse comes to mind, “I am in truth the Steppenwolf that I often call myself; that beast astray that finds neither home nor joy nor nourishment in a world that is strange and incomprehensible to him.”

    Yes, it is strange and incomprehensible to me, I had to catch a train the other day, it was like a science fiction movie, people just sitting there, tapping at screens, so many different cultures, so many different languages, so many people, I was glad to get back to the shop, my world, my kingdom, stick some 80's music on, take apart a mac, I don't like it out there, how different to how I was in 1995, to be part of the present, of the movement, a man of the moment, now scurrying away from the noise and the lights, maybe I have gotten old, maybe this what being old feels like, a car pulls up outside the shop, its registration betrays the fact that it is a year old, it looks like something from star trek, or star wars, it does not look like any car that I am aware of, I look at the badge, its a BMW, but BMW only make three different series of cars, a 3, a 5 and a 7, this looks like a 3 series with a serious weight issue, maybe its the new 3 series, no, as it pulls away, it is a 2 series, what the hell is a 2 series?

    Although I work in IT, my telephone is a good 11 years old, and to be honest, for the moment, just to be completely solitary, I threw it down the toilet on Friday, since Friday, people have only been able to contact me on the landline, and its wonderful, peaceful, I am not even sure I will even go out and get another mobile!

    When I was a kid, I remember watching a film, where the lead character loses everything, yet, this guy just could not be fazed, every crisis that hit him, just made him laugh even more, I so admired that character at 14, I wondered what it must feel like to be completely apart from society, from the present, to live in ones own world, to be self sufficient, to be so casual about maya, anyway so, thats me sorted out, I just need to find a personality now.
     
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  7. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    must stop watching 80's children's TV.......

     
  8. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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  9. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    I'm bitter, bitterness is not good, I am also very suspicious, this is also not good, I wonder if is possible to knock down the walls that are being raised, to go back to innocence, to purity, to the self, but how can it be, for there is no innocence, no purity, and no self, once you emerge from the womb, the world is tainting you, taking away your innocence, your purity and ultimately your very self. Who am I? Am I that man? Am I that man pretending to be a different man? Could I be that man pretending to be another man, whilst pretending to be yet another? I think it must be universally agreed that to be completely open and true is a route to self destruction, unless, unless, well, unless you have no negative aspects of your character that need to be kept hidden, but for that to happen, one would have to be pure, ah yes, if one was pure, and wise, then one could be open, and there would be no negative consequences to the self, the self would then only serve to raise others, to set an example, sounds great, but its not me, I can set a good example in panga, Well, I am pretty sure I did not go through all this just to be a consumer, so why did I go through all this, to prove my invincibility? maybe, to prove that one can give till one is completely empty, and there are no consequences, I suppose there are no consequences, I jump from state to state, cold as ice one moment, and then the next, yearning for the smell, the touch of intimate contact, yearning to the point where your heart actually hurts, and cold to the point where the heavens crashing down would not change anything, I exist somewhere in between, I don't feel lonely, I am not sure what I feel, but not lonely, I am certainly not hungry, I am certainly not yearning for company, human or animal, I don't feel like I want for anything, I remember only a few years ago how a rusty old range rover would brighten me hugely, or an old V12 7 series, a daimler double six, but now these things are largely irrelevant, I wonder why, am I dead? I have just had an indian take away, raw onion, daal, 3 rotis, what sort of person orders that from a take away other than a vegetarian, I could be anything I wish to be, play mental games and polish up my character, be, for want of a better word, normal, operate as 'they' do, play games as 'they' play, maybe buy a box set of something, (what the hell is a box set anyway?) , I am getting tired, its been a long day, I am sure if I took a trip to my brain I would find layers and layers of switches all set to off, that is how I feel, like a windows setup with most of the registry missing, I am pretty sure we are all the same underneath, I think people are different because of what they choose to share with others, or what to embellish, what to hide, how they come across, a combination of deceit, lies, ego and pride, no I do not fancy going down that road, if I go up there, and flick all those switches to on, I wonder what would happen, madness maybe, the temptation to really go for it, to really see the depths of whatever madness I can muster is tempting, but the truth is, I do not think my body could probably handle it, nor my mind to be fair, the only option seems to be to mask as much as possible until the bitterness passes, this means zombieing out for a while, there is much to do practically, yes, zombieing out sounds like a capital idea, climatise to the present day, to the order of the day, say as little as possible, absorb as much as possible, till what? till I heal I guess. Yes, I think I will heal, only because it is herd mentality not to heal, to grow cold, to build walls, to change, no, I will not change, I can be more wise for sure, but I can stay me, just need to lick a few wounds, like it never happened, could that be possible, could it be like it never happened, no, something inside tells me it could be better than that, I just need to keep my wits about me
     
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  10. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    I think I am probably overstaying my welcome at home, the house is clean and tidy, the dogs are well behaved, although I am still sharing the marital bed, we even have a kiss and a cuddle now and then, its probably time I went, I looked at her this morning while she slept, probably for one of the last times, she looks more beautiful than at any point that I remember, she stirred every so slightly, and held one of our dogs, one of her dogs, close to her, how I wished I was that dog, the sun started to shine through the window, it was 5am, the dog was awake, he looked at me, I looked back at Dan, he looked old, I remember buying him as a puppy, I remember toilet training him, showing him how to climb the stairs, taking him for long walks, crying when he had a big lump in his throat, which turned out to be benign, his muzzle was grey, his eyes cloudy, he has been around from day 1, nearly 10 years ago.

    I touch Sian's face lightly, she grimaces slightly, I guess whatever trust, love, passion, even enjoyment of company that we had, that existed is just not enough to sustain a relationship, I get up, it takes me 5 mins to get dressed and then I am out in the morning sun, the head gasket is going on the ancient E240 estate, but hey, at least it lasted longer than the Range Rovers, its a busy day today, a long day, oh well, better to have loved and lost
     
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  11. Inderjeet Kaur

    Inderjeet Kaur
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    My marriage of 22 years came to an end 2011, not with a separation in the usual sense. The bloody fool drank himself to death. Of course you already know this and it's an aside, not what I really want to say.

    I give you a song, one of my favorites, the vinyl version, complete with pops and scratches - although not many. It fits your situation, perhaps even the title. I'm including the lyrics because they move me.




    Nothing stops when everything is done. I am waiting for nothing to stop.
     
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