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waking up, the struggle within

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 17, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Writer SPNer Contributor

    Jan 31, 2011
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    It has been a terrible awful week, not in terms of things that have taken place, but more my state of mind. I have tried my best to come up to the level required and failed miserably, I have just found out this morning that the reason I have failed miserably is the simple reason I tried my best, makes no sense? Well it didn't to me till about an hour ago either.

    After Alfie died, I decided it was time to grow up, be a man, an adult, a bit like my brother, who is without doubt an alpha male. I admire my brother a lot, he holds down an important job, he is not like me, he decided to grow up a few years ago, and I am deeply proud of him.

    I will skip the way in which I decided to grow up and instead detail the conversation I had an hour ago when Sian gave me a lift to work at 5.30am. She basically asked me to stop growing up and just go back to being who I was, 'but I am like a child' I protested, ' have you not preferred me me all adult?', 'Harry' she said ' what I love about you most is your innocence, the fact that you do not behave like most men, dominant and in control, you listen, your quick to apologise, quick to defuse a situation without feeling a loss of pride or ego, an argument becomes a discussion with no winners or losers, and in one week, you have forgot all that and reverted to this image in your head of what a man is'

    she went on, and I protested, 'but I am an idiot, constantly making you laugh and trying to cuddle you when your busy, and encouraging you to sleep in on a sunday till 3pm with all the animals lying in bed and the sunday papers all over the floor, when we should be doing the garden, or painting or washing the car, would you not prefer a strong, cool, man type who did not act like a love sick puppy 24 hours a day?'

    'Harry' she replied, ' I am the luckiest woman in the world to have you, and every now and then when you deviate from who you really are, it always ends in tears, some men can spend all day acting a part, or behaving like the herd, but for you it just causes you to become more and more depressed, this is not who you are, embrace who you are, and then you will embrace God, embrace this false personality, and you are embracing a stone idol'

    She continued 'your problem is that instead of just making a few minor changes, you have to call everything in your personality idiotic, and then embrace what you feel to be manly, so, I have decided to make these changes for you'

    She then made some very good subtle suggestions that I promised to embrace, mainly regarding my diet, my dress, and slight changes to my conversation around people I respect.

    So I am back to being an idiot again, I gently discuss, rather than argue, I kiss and cuddle my wife at every chance, I look into her eyes and tell her she is beautiful when I wake up, I rub her back, massage her neck, play with Dan, I give all of myself to everyone I meet, I am honest and truthful in business, I crack bad jokes all day, I play practical jokes on my shop neighbours, for most of last week, the shop was sterile, clean, bare, uninviting, within an hour, it has become busy, messy,

    I find it hard to believe that the golden thread that guides me, the Hukam that I believe in so much, is this!, just be yourself, as best you can, oh well, one less thing to worry about
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