When I was growing up, I got quite used to being 'different', it faded a bit in my twenties, when I would have given anything just to be like everyone else, but hit me again in my 30's when I realised you cannot help who you are, and then I hit 40, by which time I really could not have cared less about society, social graces etc. But here I am at 46, and I am still the fat kid at the party drinking coca cola on his own, everyone else is 'looking' for something or being 'drawn' to something, and I still don't get it, I actually have a nil expectation from Sikhism in terms of what it can do for me, I don't wish for anything from it, I certainly have no 'need' for it in terms of keeping me on the straight and narrow, but then as I think hard of the future and my expectations of the future, I really have no preference at all, I love people, but I don't need them, I have a few friends, but no agenda, and to be honest, if everyone in my life disappeared today, it would have very little affect on me, save for my parents, but that is only because I owe them a debt of love, if love indeed can have a debt, and it is my fondest wish that I see them through old age and beyond. To be honest, other than the opportunity to fulfil this, I am not hugely fussed where life leads me. I have no kids, no wife, no pets, although there are times, like yesterday, I stayed at home, watched a film with Sian and then sat and played with the dogs, this morning I took them for a long walk, and now I will probably disappear for a few days and then maybe try it again next week, if I start getting longings for a taste of normality. Should I be getting excited about all the other stuff that seems to get people excited, is stopping the internal screaming reason enough to be a Sikh, I have no idea, but it seems good enough for me. I have no agenda, to me that means complete freedom.