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Arts/Society Translating a poem on 84 - Feedback from sangat please.

Discussion in 'Language, Arts & Culture' started by dalsingh, Jul 17, 2008.

  1. dalsingh

    dalsingh
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    s`pxI nzr


    The serpant's gaze








    ikMnI dUr q^q qyrw smyN idAw hwkmW vy
    aumr &irAwdIAW dI rwhW iv`c lµG geI
    s`pnI nzr qyry Sihr dy biSMidAW dI
    hwey ! swfy ichry idAW hwisAW ƒ fµg geI




    O throne, how distant the governors of your era are

    Whilst I pursued the path of a petitioner [for justice], my life has passed by

    The serpent gaze of your city's enforcers

    O, have struck our smiling faces with a venomous bite




    vyKy sI jo AsIN auh kOmI Armwn swry
    B`KdI “curwsI” iv`c SISy vWg tu`t gey
    “idl vwlI” id`lI iv`c AwbrU d&n hoeI
    Gr, kwrobwr “dyS BgqW” ny lu`t gey



    Those desires and wishes of our nation we witnessed


    all shattered like mirrors in the inferno of "eighty-four"



    "Her with a heart" Delhi was where our reputations were buried


    "Patriots" robbed us of our homes and businesses





    B`jy sI pMjwb mUhry bYTy sI iSkwrI ieQy
    ^Un swfw pIx leI bVy hI auqwvly vy
    pu`C nw qUµ Pyr kI-kI h`fW qy hµFweI AsIN
    ikMnW icr huµdy rhy JUTy jy mukwbly vy



    [Those] fleeing to Panjab, faced seated hunters before them here


    You were in such a rush to spill our blood hey


    Do not ask then of what we had to endure on our bones


    How long those false encounters continued to take place





    ds swl ieQy Pyr hoxI ny jo nwc kIqw
    pu`C nW qUµ swifAW BrwvW qy kI guzrI
    mry hoey pu`qW dIAW lwSW nw nsIb hoeIAW
    pu`C nw qUµ Pyr auhnW mwvW qy kI guzrI



    In the ten years fate performed her dance here


    Ask not of what our brothers had to pass through


    The bodies of my own begotten sons were not to be returned by destiny


    Ask not what those mothers then had to live through





    AxKI suBwA qy jwgdI zmIr vwlw
    hr ienswn ndI nwilAW ’c ruiVAw
    bxky ihqYSI ijhVw AwieAw sI “vkIl” swfw
    igAw l`Bx lwvwirsW ƒ auh vI nhIEN muiVAw





    Those with spirited, self-respecting demeanors and awakened consciences



    all such people were swept away in the canals and gutters



    Our "lawyer" who came presenting himself as a benefactor



    left to find the unclaimed but failed to return himself





    zulmI hnyrI Ju`lI kOm qy jo kihr bx
    q^qW idAW vwrsW dw qoV AMg-AMg geI
    vyK ky zulm qyry Sihr dy kirMidAW dy
    ijhVI AweI sI ivAwhux lwVI mOq vI auh sµg geI



    The cruel dark storm which directed its ire towards our nation



    broke the inheritors of our thrones limb by limb


    Observing the brutality of the servants of your city


    Death, the bride who had come to marry, became coy herself




    ikMnI dUr q^q qyrw smyN idAw hwkmW vy
    aumr &irAwdIAW dI rwhW iv`c lµG geI
    s`pnI nzr qyry Sihr dy biSMidAW dI
    hwey ! swfy ichry idAW hwisAW ƒ fµg geI




    O throne, how distant the governors of your era are


    Whilst I pursued the path of a petitioner [for justice], my life has passed by


    The serpent gaze of your city's enforcers


    O, have struck our smiling faces with a venomous bite



    Sukhdeep Singh Barnala
     
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  3. Gyani Jarnail Singh

    Gyani Jarnail Singh Malaysia
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    Dal Singh Jio, gurfateh.
    Thanks for your vote of confidence in me...here goes...

    1. The first line...the subject is NOT the "throne"..as in O Throne... the subject is..Ruler of the day...
    ....."O Ruler of the day..how distant is your throne ?

    2. "stalking"... hunters would be better than "seated" hunters. Hunters either do "stillhunting" (hide and stay still) luk chhip ke jhaat lagayee baitheh shikaree..but "stalking" in hunting lingo is more common..

    Rest of it looks good...maybe i will give it a second look when i am bit more free...

    Regards
    Gyani jarnail Singh
     
  4. bade_ustaad

    bade_ustaad
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    The serpent's gaze


    s`pxI nzr
    The serpent's gaze

    ikMnI dUr q^q qyrw smyN idAw hwkmW vy
    aumr &irAwdIAW dI rwhW iv`c lµG geI
    s`pnI nzr qyry Sihr dy biSMidAW dI
    hwey ! swfy ichry idAW hwisAW ƒ fµg geI

    How distant is your throne, “O” monarch of the era
    Life of the appeallants has passed by in transit

    The serpent gaze of your city dwellers
    uff it has spite the joys off our faces with its venomous bite


    vyKy sI jo AsIN auh kOmI Armwn swry
    B`KdI “curwsI” iv`c SISy vWg tu`t gey
    “idl vwlI” id`lI iv`c AwbrU d&n hoeI
    Gr, kwrobwr “dyS BgqW” ny lu`t gey

    The aspirations for the nation that we held
    were shattered like glass in the inferno of eighty-four

    Aspirations of the Heart were decimated in Delhi
    Homes and businesses were looted by the Patriots



    B`jy sI pMjwb mUhry bYTy sI iSkwrI ieQy
    ^Un swfw pIx leI bVy hI auqwvly vy
    pu`C nw qUµ Pyr kI-kI h`fW qy hµFweI AsIN
    ikMnW icr huµdy rhy JUTy jy mukwbly vy

    Fleeing to Punjab, faced the hunters in waiting
    Eagerly awaiting to drink our Blood

    Ask not what else these bones had to endure
    How long false encounters continued to take place


    ds swl ieQy Pyr hoxI ny jo nwc kIqw
    pu`C nW qUµ swifAW BrwvW qy kI guzrI
    mry hoey pu`qW dIAW lwSW nw nsIb hoeIAW
    pu`C nw qUµ Pyr auhnW mwvW qy kI guzrI

    For ten year that fate performed its dance
    Ask not of what our brothers had to endure
    Corpses of our sons were never to be recovered
    Ask not what those mothers then had to endure

    AxKI suBwA qy jwgdI zmIr vwlw
    hr ienswn ndI nwilAW ’c ruiVAw
    bxky ihqYSI ijhVw AwieAw sI “vkIl” swfw
    igAw l`Bx lwvwirsW ƒ auh vI nhIEN muiVAw
    Self-respecting demeanors and those with elevated consciences
    all were washed away in the gutters and canals
    As a benefactor came one to legally represent us
    went away to find the orphans but failed to return back


    zulmI hnyrI Ju`lI kOm qy jo kihr bx
    q^qW idAW vwrsW dw qoV AMg-AMg geI
    vyK ky zulm qyry Sihr dy kirMidAW dy
    ijhVI AweI sI ivAwhux lwVI mOq vI auh sµg geI

    The storm of brutality waved over our nation like calamity
    broke limb by limb of the descendants of the thrones
    Witnessing the calamity of the servants of your city

    The virgin bride that come to marry, death turned bashful


    ikMnI dUr q^q qyrw smyN idAw hwkmW vy
    aumr &irAwdIAW dI rwhW iv`c lµG geI
    s`pnI nzr qyry Sihr dy biSMidAW dI
    hwey ! swfy ichry idAW hwisAW ƒ fµg geI

    How distant is your throne, “O” monarch of the era
    Life of the appeallants has passed by in transit

    The serpents gaze of your city dwellers
    uff it has spite the joys off our faces with its venomous bite



    I am not a language Specialist in either English Language of Punjabi.
    Please accept my humble translation of the Serpents Gaze. I feel I have not done full justice to the aspirations of the writer. Some one else may make further improvements.

    Chotta muh Badi Baat
     
  5. dalsingh

    dalsingh
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    Thanks Bade Ustaad


    If I were translating again, I would probably make some changes.

    You can read the final version on the following site:


    Sapni Naazar - The Serpent's Gaze


    Gyani ji, thanks again for your help!


    WJKK

    WJKF
     
  6. Gyani Jarnail Singh

    Gyani Jarnail Singh Malaysia
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    badde ustaad ji,
    excellent..enjoyed your piece. chardeekalla ji.
    gyani jarnail singh
     

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