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Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Writer SPNer Contributor

    Jan 31, 2011
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    I am absolutely shattered, normally around this time I am in full swing, but today, I can barely keep my eyes open, maybe its my choice of music, somehow hey little girl by icehouse is not the most upbeat music that I could play, the last 6 months have been hard, but its only when you look at the path behind you wonder how the hell you got through it, I have not had a day off since October, not a sunday, not christmas, not new years, it was not hard, at the time it seemed like the most normal thing in the world, just like sitting here till 1 or 2 am, and starting at 5 or 6am seems like the most normal thing in the world, I wonder how Sian has been, how my dogs have been, I cant actually remember what my house looks like, I think of Rory and Bran, and maybe its the music, but I seem to be getting a little misty in the eye, I want to go home, right now, I want to get in the piece of **** BMW and drive home, maybe Sian is still up with the boys, maybe they are sitting in the living room watching tv, I remember Rory used to sit on her left, Bran on her right, and Dan behind her head, looking back, everything seems a bit dreamlike, I have not walked them properly for a while, sunday walks, lasting an hour or two, watching them dart in and out of bushes, running side by side, I note a solitary tear roll down my left cheek, I may as well do this properly, I scour youtube for the most depressing song I can find, it is of course, tomorrow started, talk talk, I am sinking deeper, deeper into the furtherest point away from the chardi kala state I have been in for the last 6 months, my cheeks are damp and I let out a sigh, a big huge sigh, the last two days have gone very well, people seem to look at me with renewed respect since I had a shave, a haircut, become a bit more of a man, a better stepfather, a better husband, in two weeks my parents come back from India, I will have a chance to be a better son,

    I have lost interest in the computers behind me, the mac is still there, I should be on site next door at the travel agents, migrating outlook 2010 to 2013, installing exchange, but I just want to sit here for a moment, I keep seeing Brans face, the faces of ex girlfriends flash in my head, ex friends, lots of exes, I think of my brother, I miss him dreadfully, my mum, my dad, I think of the children I have aborted, the people I have let down, my roofer friend comes to mind, he is a cockney, proper east end boy, if he was here now he would say 'wot you doing san, dahnt be beating yourself up boy, plenty of people out there do that for ya, thats someone else job'

    I look at the road behind me, its a long long road, I wonder how much road is ahead, bypasses last 10 years they say, its been 10 years, talk talk finishes, now I either get up, down an energy drink and stick metallica on, maybe some 80's cheese, or sink a bit more,

    I can see my roofer friends face, the music stays silent, ' yor a boy aintcha, look at ya drowning in it, come on san, you gotta turn them negatives into positives, cos theyre facking fuel boy, fuel, all that ****, its all fuel, cos its burned ya san, made yoo who yoo are you wankah'

    its 10 past 10, I should get up and finish off that exchange and outlook next door, but Im tired, really tired, weary,

    my boy, my stepson has got a job, he is leaving me, he should be overjoyed, excited, but he is not, I think he feels guilty, guilty at leaving the old man on his own, I am a bit choked by it, Ive watched him grow as he has spent the last 6 months with me, really grow, Im proud of him, he is not working with me, or one of my associates, he is standing on his own two feet now, I am right proud of him, everyone who meets him is just taken aback by what a great boy he is, and soon, I will be alone again, no more eating paninis and watching comedy on youtube, he is stubborn, would refuse to eat unless the old man stopped and ate too, I will miss him.

    I play will you by hazel o connor, its not a bad thing to look behind, to see where you were, where youve come, take stock, just think, for a moment, remember, but I have indulged myself enough for a night, my cheeks are dry, I smile a wry smile to myself, its been an interesting ride, so far, I think I am going to go home and see my wife,
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