Apologies, this series of posts will be a bit rambly. Over the past year and a half, much has changed in my life. I've been learning about Sikhi since 2002, and became serious about it in 2008. Between 2008 and 2014 I enquired about khande di pahul, kept my kesh, attended Gurdwara for a number of years, started planning a trip to the Punjab, learning Punjabi and doing my nitnem at the assigned times. Every so often, something would happen, and I would go cold to Sikhi for weeks, sometimes months. But eventually it would come flooding back in a rush. The latest one was in early 2014. I had been struggling with being on the fringe of the Sikh community in real life. That's probably my own failing, I am shy and find it hard to make friends. I keep to myself. Which makes forums a better place for me to interact. I can discuss concepts and words that I can't pronounce in real life. I can make friends, and feel like I'm part of a community. Over the years of being on Sikh forums I have seen quite a bit of anti-white and anti-Western racism. There came a point in early 2014 where I had just had enough. I couldn't integrate with the Sikh community in real life, and I felt rejected by the community online, too. So I boxed up my Sikh gear and figured if I wasn't welcome, I'd leave them to it. After that, a lot changed in my entire life. I left my husband. I started new relationship. I identified with the atheist community. I had many new experiences. Sikhi didn't enter my mind very much. But every now and then I would still get that spiritual feeling. I would find myself listening to atheist podcasts or YouTube shows and arguing from the theist's point of view when they where discussing spiritual experiences. I realised there is more to life than the atheist/theist duality. In some strange way, I am neither atheist or theist. The spiritual is an element of human experience, but it doesn't need to be dressed up with mythology and complexity, and it doesn't need to be disregarded and swept away as useless nonsense, either. There must be a middle ground, and I know that middle ground is beautifully expressed within Gurbani.