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Some Time Later

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 10, 2016.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Its been a while since I posted a blog, looking back, when I wrote last, I had no idea of the battle that lay ahead, but then waking up from a deep slumber is not the easiest thing to do, I would have thought I would be better, and in some ways I suppose I am, but the truth of the matter is that those switches in my head remain firmly off, I exist, for sure, but without love, although the only two people that actually dragged me through the last 4 months were my mum and dad, they have been brilliant, and it has only confirmed that the love that we seek, that true love, is based on parental love, the concept of parental love, I think as children it is where we learn about love, and fashion our own understanding of such. In hindsight, the love I was looking for was based on the love I had as a child from my mum and dad, but I never found it, something you could put weight on.

    I got through the last 4 months by going completely zombie, I cannot feel a thing, to the point where not feeling is quite pleasant, I do not think I have ever felt so alienated by the world, but then spending 4 months locked up and doing nothing more than taking apart and putting back together old macbooks has made me view the outside world I see from my window with huge suspicion, I have started giving people subtitles so that I can understand them, because often the body language, the tone, the facial expression differs from what the mouth says, it is getting to the point where the difference is so huge, you start to discount the spoken word, if it is spoken, it must be false, as words tend to have an agenda, but then most people have an agenda, so that makes sense.

    Do I believe in love? I would say 99% , no, there is a 1% that clings on to the concept, and I fully expect that to be hitting zero shortly, the sun is shining outside, there is unfortunately, only a view of a post office and a Tesco, no trees, no park, no squirrels. I have sold the car, I started to hate driving it, it was a loathsome machine, a VW Passat has to be one of the most soulless cars ever made, the amount of times I could not find it, simply because I forgot what it looked like, it is one of the most anonymous cars ever made, soulless, actually thinking about, its probably a perfect car, a soulless car for a soulless man!

    If I am going to lift out of this, it is going to happen in the next few weeks, although I yearn for the end, for that last 1% to vanish, so I can be in no doubt about my path, so I can get on with it, I am looking forward to it, its soulless, but its peaceful, quiet, at some point I will construct a personality to buffer the outside world, and then that's me done!

    I wonder if it has to be all or nothing, I think, yes, it does, I am looking forward to Christmas, my first alone for a while, the thought actually makes me smile, because solitude is truth, you don't have to pretend to be having a good time, or put on a show to make people round you feel comfortable, I am smiling to myself now, complete solitude beckons, peace, quiet, no strings pulling me, even the thought of sex bores me, to be honest, most things bore me, my parents don't bore me, I talk to them daily 3 or 4 times, they make me laugh, I make them laugh, I love them in a way that I could never love anyone else, its enough, I am 47, I have come full circle, I don't think I want to go round again.
     
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  3. Original

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    ...“Spring comes, and the grass grows by itself” Lao Tzu.

    So will you H. Its only a matter of time !

    Goodnight
     
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  4. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    what is growth? losing the last 1%?
     
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  5. Original

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    ..evolution and devolution, respectively. Take your pick !
     
  6. Sikhilove

    Sikhilove United Kingdom
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    Bhagats are societies outcasts. Even when surrounded by people and even if we appear to fit in, we stay detached.

    You're not alone, people through ages have gone through this. Realise who you are in meditation and stay grounded in it throughout your life. Don't believe or care about the losers, stay true to yourself and all around you. Get rid of the 1% doubt, believe and enjoy your life.
    --- Double Post Merged, Oct 11, 2016, Original Post Date: Oct 11, 2016 ---
    Yes. Surrender.
     
  7. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    there appears to be some misunderstanding, let me be succinct, I am 99% sure that love is NOT the way forward, I am clinging on to the hope that it is by 1%, I fully expect to lose this 1% and be 100% sure that love is not the way forward shortly.

    sorry for any confusion
     
  8. Original

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    ..well said !
    ..perhaps on your part, but otherwise this 1% residue when done n dusted will set you free to meet your "real" self. God is "love" and true love is the love of the "self" and the self is......north of the North pole !
     
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  9. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    I have no idea who my true self is, love empties me, lust destroys me, in between there are a thousand personalities all claiming to be the one, I don't even aspire to be anyone, no, that 1% is all that stands between me and nothing, peace in a way, the love of the self is in fact nothing.
    --- Double Post Merged, Oct 12, 2016, Original Post Date: Oct 12, 2016 ---
    Take moderation for example, in my view a good moderator is nothing, he has no opinions, no agenda, no passion, no love, the only role is to enforce TOS, to be a friend to all, to have no enemies, to be gentle, compassionate, understanding, to detach completely from emotions, to be succinct, to be true in a way, I guess. There is no agenda on this forum, no favourites, since I have been moderating I have ceased banging my own drum, I drum for the forum. A clown cannot drum for a forum, a clown only makes a mockery of the establishment, so here, I am nothing, I am merely following the rules of the TOS.I do not live on this forum anymore, I share no opinions, make no wisecracks, share little of my self, I am not a participant anymore.

    I did it to prepare for the real world, I have been stuck here for 4 months now, if I am going to venture out, I need to be prepared, to act as above seems appealing, all I need now to do is find some sort of universal TOS, some sort of universal Admin Singh, and I just go out there and do the same, maybe there is a way of life that lauds this way....
     
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    #8 Harry Haller, Oct 12, 2016
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  10. Original

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    ..hence the reason you're born as a Sikh [student]. Consider your self en route for the true self. The true self is...[pause]...so that I can modulate your behaviour according to your state of being, let me play the violin, ha !

    Goodnight & Godbless
     
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  11. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    surely a fiddle would be more appropriate
     
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  12. Sikhilove

    Sikhilove United Kingdom
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    Nice post :)

    Just live but stay detached from the rubbish. Be happy, enjoy your life and react to all in truth, not in the five thieves.
     
  13. Sikhilove

    Sikhilove United Kingdom
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    Nice post :)

    Just live but stay detached from the rubbish. Be happy, enjoy your life and react to all in truth, not in the five thieves.
     
  14. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    we are on different paths my dear, yours is to break the chain of karma, mine is to dive into the mire and take the truth there, and have enormous fun in the process.
    --- Double Post Merged, Oct 14, 2016, Original Post Date: Oct 14, 2016 ---

    --- Double Post Merged, Oct 14, 2016 ---
    I'm awake, I'm me again, unfractured, complete, I don't believe being a good Sikh has anything to with meditation, chanting, rituals of any sort, ceremonies,a look, or even an act, it is a way of life, each understands it differently, some of the things I think and do would horrify you, but being true to oneself is not easy, and understanding oneself is not easy, but the beginning starts with the truth, no matter how unpalatable it is, that is the beginning, you cannot move up until you have stared into your own soul and accepted yourself, not yourself tomorrow, or next year, now, this moment, accept who you are and try and better it, not by denial, but by understanding and slowly, in your own time, move towards the truth. That to me is Sikhi.
     
  15. Sikhilove

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    Lol. Ive dived into the mire, life including dukh and sukh is there to be experienced. Life is a great teacher, even master's can learn here.

    We are nothing- in our entirety, that's what I've discovered myself to be. Theres no doubt, no insecurities when u accept yours as that.

    Everything else is a projection of this truth.
     

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