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Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 17, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Writer SPNer Contributor

    Jan 31, 2011
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    Sleep, I have had trouble sleeping for years, when I was young, I could not get to sleep for nearly 4 days, I think I was 14, I approached each night with renewed terror, by the 4th night, I thought I was going mad, that apprehension never left me, and looking back, one of my main reasons for drinking in my twenties was just to get to sleep.

    Due to workload, I have had just 2 and a half hours sleep in the last 40 hours. How do I feel? tired, really tired right down to the bone, apparently, when I am this tired, according to wife, I can be very sarcastic and start looking for arguments, I am , at present the howling wolf, half a whole, out of balance, seeing only one side of the coin, I have no grace, no compassion, I wish only to run through the forest, baring my teeth at all, I can only see my side of the argument, but truth be known, I could argue passionately for either side,

    There is something about the mystical that makes me very uncomfortable, maybe it is easier to deny it, than confront it, but how can one confront the mystical? You open up that can of worms, and you could end up with the answers staring at you , or a very very long detour ending up at nowhere. I used to consider myself quite spiritual, but in reality, I am more of a pragmatist.God has no interest in us, prayer is pointless, we do the best we can, and we either reach the standard or we do not. Spirituality is for the Ego, its about being 'special' rather than being 'normal'. Im tired, I want to sit in a dark room and meditate, to get high on thoughts, to trip out in my head, visit the Milky Way, zoom round Saturns rings, I have been there before, it is hardly a religious experience, nor is it of any use long term, its a light show, cabaret for the pragmatically incontinent, you can smell the colours, see the sounds, everything is twisted on its axis, the world goes mad, and then returns for another ride, oh yeah, its good, its special, its spiritual, its tantric, so whats the problem?, the problem is, its meaningless, I have not eaten today either, sleep deprivation and hunger have combined to give me my very own light show, but what am I learning, zilch, what have I achieved, zilch, I may as well be on speed, or pot, or both, washed down with a good dose of red label,

    Give me clarity, give me sharpness, give me focus, give me stone cold sobriety, so that I may learn, and live through that learning, so that I may share, and fulfil my duty,

    Its time for the light show to finish, for madmen only, I do not belong here, it is a world I do not wish to be part of, spirituality, stick it, Im going home to eat and sleep.
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