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Racism

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by namritanevaeh, Oct 14, 2012.

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  1. namritanevaeh

    namritanevaeh Canada
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    I am a white girl. I am very open, accepting, and curious about the Sikh religion. I have many Sikh friends who I ask questions of. I live in Surrey BC, and are surrounded by them. A little less than a year ago I started dating a very "Canadianized" Sikh man...I'm just going to refer to him as M for now. He flirted with me for many months actually before I finally said ok I'll go out with you...he had kind of won me over. We started dating and I fell in love WAYYYY too fast, but he kept me thinking he was feeling similar things. After a month and a half or so...I will admit to losing my head one night and I got pregnant. The situation surrounding this is all SO very much more complicated but to try and keep this short I will just be as brief as possible. When I told M I thought I was pregnant (I wasn't yet 100% sure)...his first reaction was almost one of awe...like "I'm going to have a baby!" kind of surprise to his voice. Then he started thinking...and walking around and ultimately said, amongst other things, that his parents would be upset/angry..."no offense but it's because you are white". Later on, he told me he did not want to have a child with me (and admittedly this was an oopsie and unplanned by either of us) and that he wanted to pursue a relationship with someone else...who I later learned is Sikh too.

    I feel so very very ostracized. Never in the history of my immediate family have I heard of anyone being treated in such a racist way or treating anyone else as such. I feel upset that people that I hear on a daily basis saying Canadians should accept them and embrace their culture, their religion, learn about it etc., would raise children who feel it is acceptable to trash the white girl based on HER skin colour and background...the white girl who IS open and accepting and wants to learn more. It saddens me very deeply. And to so cruel-ly dump her while she was hormonal and pregnant...even worse.

    Ultimately...I lost that baby. She or he is gone from this earth. But I felt the child move and I now carry a part of that man in me every where I go. And today would have been my due date...so I am doubly sad because I would have been more than willing to work on a relationship, being a good person in his life, etc., and he threw that away for a question of culture as far as I'm concerned. He has yet to prove to me otherwise in any shape way or form...
     
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  3. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    I am sorry for your loss and the way you have been treated, I hope you find the strength to move on from this and find someone who values you as a person and as a future life partner,
     
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  4. namritanevaeh

    namritanevaeh Canada
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    Thanks Harry. I happen to find a lot of attraction for brown guys but this kind of thing makes one gun-shy at trying again. No matter who with. :'(

    :sippingcoffee:
     
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  5. TigerStyleZ

    TigerStyleZ
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    Hey..

    oh , I am very sorry to hear this.. I don´t know what to say.. There is just one thing. this maybe sounds harsh, but don´t think all "Sikh" men are like these, and please don´t blame it on the religion... I don´t want to sound rude.. but just saying.. I know it will be hard for you now.. and I wish you all strength from the world..(esspeically for one lost soul....).. Such people I really can punch in this face... Doesn´t matter which religion culture or whatever they belong too.. It just seems, that this guy wanted to sleep with you and thats it.. or he hasnt the guts to stay with you like a MAN and learn out of his "mistakes".. And if he only lefts you because of his "PARENTS" this guy has no spinal.. Just please don´t rage on the religion... It is just this retarded convervative thinking of Punjabis... (mostly the elders)..
     
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  6. Rory

    Rory
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    I'm sure you realize that being born into a Sikh family does not make one a Sikh. Just like here in Ireland, being born into an Irish-Catholic family doesn't make you a Catholic, it makes you Irish.

    It sounds like this man has no right to use the word "Sikh" to describe himself. Maybe "Punjabi" or "Indian" or possibly "the child of Sikh parents", but from the sounds of it he has exhibited no Sikh traits. Actually, almost everywhere he was mentioned in your story, he is mentioned doing something negative or thoughtless.

    I am extremely sorry for your loss and the trauma you suffered at the hands of this man. His actions do not reflect Sikhism at all.
     
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  7. Navdeep88

    Navdeep88 Canada
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    namrit Ji,

    This is not a very Sikh move, sounds more like an 'unprepared male youth', who couldn't wrap his head around being a father at this age, move. He did the deed & so did you, which is I hate to say smthng that shuld be reserved for marriage imo.

    In any case, im terribly sorry for your loss & hope you meet a more caring responsible man in the future, whoever he may be.
     
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  8. Luckysingh

    Luckysingh Canada
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    I'm sorry to hear about your suffering.
    Sadly, this kind of story goes on in every corner of the world and it is more about irresponsible and selfish men.
    I'm sure that you expected him to be a little different to other men, because he was from a punjabi sikh family.

    It's a shame that it ended up this way, and I am ashamed that men like that give us all a bad reputation.

    However, do you really feel that it is a racist issue ?
    -Because, I reckon that even if you were Punjabi sikh and had the same situation, he would have acted no different. I'm certain he would have deserted you as well.
    Therefore, I wouldn't feel that you've been singled out because your white and he's racist. I think that he is selfish and irresponsible much more than racist.

    I know that these men exist in every colour and creed and you don't have to belong to a certain nation to be one. But knowing about his culture and religion, you assured yourself that he wouldn't be capable or cold enough to commit such act.

    However, didn't any of your sikh friends that may have known a little about his background, warn against his beahviour or did he fool everyone ?

    I wish you all the best in the future and hope that you don't close your cultural options after this experience which makes you feel singled out by race.
     
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    #7 Luckysingh, Oct 15, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2012
  9. namritanevaeh

    namritanevaeh Canada
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    Oh I DO realise that it's not that everyone will be like this. Still, I found it heartbreaking, for sure. :'(

    japposatnamwaheguru:
     
  10. namritanevaeh

    namritanevaeh Canada
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    Thanks Rory. I also was surprised he would suggest I get an abortion (yes that did happen). :'(
     
  11. namritanevaeh

    namritanevaeh Canada
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    Thanks Navdeep. Well, we're both in our late 30's and I have been married before. This isn't a 15yo...just sayin'... :)
     
  12. namritanevaeh

    namritanevaeh Canada
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    Yes, maybe I assumed he would be better b/c of his family-oriented background? I don't honestly know. I doubt I'll ever know. All I know is despite his actions I love the man more than life itself. :'(

    People will likely ask why...what can I say. I happen to be one of the most loyal, non-judgemental, forgiving people out there. That's all there is to it. :-/

    :mundaviolin:
     
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  13. Kanwaljit Singh

    Kanwaljit Singh India
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    Sometimes it is better to focus on things which happened than the reasons behind them. It helps in moving on. E.g. when we are not supposed to get a promotion at work, the manager might find and give us any reason. Reasons can be replaced and mixed up. The relevant thing is that I didn't get promotion. Or that you have been cheated. And yet you are free from a corrupted man, Sikh he may be.

    Loyalty and forgiveness are great qualities, but can lead to our own downfall without WISDOM. You know the line 'SO DARK THE CON OF MAN'. I think you just saw a bit of it. I hope you find strength and wisdom for your future.
     
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  14. namritanevaeh

    namritanevaeh Canada
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    I don't, actually, know that quote. I shall look it up. Thanks Kanwaljit. I appreciate the thoughts. :)

    icecreamkaur
     
  15. Alan491

    Alan491
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    I like to listen to views of all kinds. To me it's like a landscape. Anyways go on with your take on it. I will stay out of this one.[​IMG][​IMG][​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
  16. linzer

    linzer Mexico
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    nwil ieAwxy dosqI vfwrU isau nyhu ] (474-14, Awsw, mÚ 2)
    naal i-aanay dostee vadaaroo si-o nayhu.
    Friendship with a fool, and love with a pompous person,
    pwxI AMdir lIk ijau iqs dw Qwau n Qyhu ]4] (474-15, Awsw, mÚ 2)
    paanee andar leek ji-o tis daa thaa- o na thayhu. ||4||
    are like lines drawn in water, leaving no trace or mark. ||4||
    Be that as It may, I'll try to draw a line anyway.
    It seems like everyone on this site is telling you exactly what you want to hear.
    No one is telling you what you need to hear.
    So here goes.
    When I first read this link I thought "Poor young thing, some jerk took her for a ride. The way you write makes you sound like about 17 to 19 years old. When I saw that you are are almost 40 years old, I thought "what is she thinking having unprotected sex with someone she hardly knows". Right after that It occured to me that your hearing the ticking of your biological clock and some how you think that having a baby is going to give your life reason. At best he'll marry you at worst you'll have a baby to mantipulate him with for the rest of his days

    ]Grow up and stop playing the manipulative victim.


    it is acceptable to trash the white girl based on HER skin colour and background...the white girl who IS open and accepting and wants to learn more. A lot of people have it a much worse than you get over it.

    It saddens me very deeply. And to so cruel-ly dump her while she was hormonal and pregnant...even worse.
    What is this ? we're suppose to give you some kind of special consideration because of hormones. If that's the case blame my reply on testosterone.

    Ultimately...I lost that baby. She or he is gone from this earth. But I felt the child move and I now carry a part of that man in me every where I go.
    What is this? There is saying here that says" She looking fo a onion so she can cry". I think that pretty much applys here.
    And today would have been my due date...so I am doubly sad
    Bravo ! expert manipulation.
    Why are you posting on this site anyway?
    Have you run out of friend and family to whine to?
    I think you really should be thankful that things turned out the way they did. You are far too immature to be bringing a human life into this world.
    I would suggest you read bani but I think it would be like casting pearls before swine.
    I really suggest you go and get therapy before you go tryng to get pregnant again.
    I know all this sounds hugely cruel but the truth is I don't think your even being honest with yourself.
    By the way I really should'nt be taking the time to write this but someone
    needed to tell you to Grow up.
     
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  17. namritanevaeh

    namritanevaeh Canada
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    Way to judge someone.

    A) I already have kids. From a previous marriage. They are like all human beings: not exactly perfect. But for the most part, decent human beings. I try to raise them with strong morals. I do and will make mistakes in their upbringing as I am not a perfect person either.

    B) Yes I know where babies come from.

    C) we had discussed going without protection; it wasn't entirely a 1-sided thing.

    D) I had no intentions on manipulation. DYK what I told him when he told me he didn't want a child with me but would rather pursue a relationship with someone else? I said I would ask nothing from him. It takes 2 to tango...he's a grown man, he has nerve cells allowing him to realise what we were not using protection, and while I led the way that evening if he had said at any point in time "no let's use protection" I would have gone along with it. I never heard that. Not once. And if you try to tell me he was getting carried away...fine. Like I say, so was I. We both were. I'll accept (easily) more than 50% of the burden of blame for that evening given I led the way but there wasn't exactly a lack of desire shown on his part either.

    Since we had previously discussed going without protection, I assumed he was fine with it. But I said if he wanted nothing to do with the child I would not force him. I had no plans on asking for financial support if he had nothing to do with the child either, although legally I could have probably fought that battle. I'm really not into manipulation OR coersion of any sort. I said I would provide him with plenty of options along the way and if he wanted to have something to do with the child's life we could discuss how that went. Otherwise I would leave him alone.

    E) Like I said there was a LOT more complexity to the issue than I originally stated and I had significant cause to believe that the chances of me getting pregnant from that one evening were along the lines of winning the 6/49 jackpot. Aka very slim. Nothing is 100%; we could have used protection and had an accident with that (I have had that happen more than once in the past).

    So...thanks for the judgement call.

    :interestedmunda:
     
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  18. namritanevaeh

    namritanevaeh Canada
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    Also, no I have ample friends and family who will listen, and I AM seeing a counsellor for this, specifically.

    But he was hardly someone I "hardly knew". By the time we had unprotected sex we'd been dating for a couple of months. As for my life having reason...the only reason I am still IN this life is for the kids I already have. When I lost that child...along with the man I love...I pretty much lost most of my will to live. But I can't actually go elsewhere due to the kids I have in this life.
     
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  19. Ishna

    Ishna
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    That desn't sound like regular Linzer. *taps the screen* Who are you, imposter?! Either that or it's one heck of a raw nerve there...

    But while we're in the spirit of it...

    Why would you discuss going without protection and not discuss the issue of a potential pregnancy? Of course he was fine with going without protection, they say sex with a condom is like taking a shower with a raincoat on! If anyone is going to have unprotected sex they should be ready for a baby. And it can happen on the first go, I'm sure you know that.

    I hope you find love in the end because it sounds like you got a bit of a bum steer with this one.
     
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    #18 Ishna, Oct 17, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2012
  20. Ambarsaria

    Ambarsaria Canada
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    namritaneveah ji thanks for your posts. An excellent example of respectful dialog while much less would have been deserving or called for and many would have come swinging.
    May you have a wonderful life. As you know many times things in life don't work even with the best of intentions. I am no expert but I have observed that for many men (an perhaps women too!) winning/capturing/"dating" is a taken as a prize. The subsequent relationship or commitment sometimes becomes like a chore. Very sad but it needs to be looked at in such crass ways sometimes as things may be as simple as that.

    I don't think racism has as much to do with it or even anything. It is quite possible that the gentleman saw a vulnerability and exploited it. This does not have to be racism basis and happens day and night in our lives in measures small and big.

    By the way Sikhism much believes in "you sow and so shall you reap". This is not to a wish for any bad but just a simple recognition that is even in our holy Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji,
    Wishing you and your children all the best in the future.

    Regards. mundahug
     
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  21. linzer

    linzer Mexico
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    That desn't sound like regular Linzer. *taps the screen* Who are you, imposter?! Either that or it's one heck of a raw nerve there...
    No imposter It's me.
    And I stand by what I said.
    Did we get a check up for potentially fatal diseases as well?
    If she has kids all the more reason to use protection.
    I also stand by my statement that she's manipulative. " The only reason I'm still in this life is for my kids". If that's not a manipulative statement I don't know what is.
    Yes I would say it's a raw nerve when white people whine that they're discriminated against I find it annoying. Try being black or brown in Nyc for a day. Try wearing a turban and passing through an airport. Yes discrimination sucks but get over it. You don't have it that bad.

    Again what do you want from this posting sympathy?
     

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