- Jan 31, 2011
- 5,769
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I am close, getting close, getting very close, to the answer? uhmm not sure, to my own answer, yes, absolutely,to my answer for this particular time, or to the answer I have been looking for all my life, I think the big answer, yes, the big one.
It has now been 2 years since I have been in my fortress of solitude, with the windows taped up, and a complete lack of any social interaction, its been good, really good, I have learned a lot, strangely enough more about people than myself, looking back, even though even 2 years ago, I was rebellious in my attitude, it is only when you lock yourself away that you see just how much of your thinking, every day behaviour and general actions are geared towards the dictation of society. It was not until I blocked out all, or as many as I could, of societies influences that came to understand what was 'people' and what was me, in that sense, trying to find your own core, becomes quite easy, it is whatever is not tainted by society. I have no friends, no associates, no people round me, just mum and dad, who seem happy to allow me to find my own way, provided I am happy in myself, great guys, I {censored}ing love the shit out of them.
So I still drive an old Land Rover, I still dress in shorts and odd socks, and a t shirt, and I have an utter, utter lack of interest in anything that is happening in the world, my own world is very very small, I trade on line still, I wake up at 4, I work, I clean, I pack, I have a nap, I eat, I work again, I play loud music all day, sometimes in the very early hours, I will take a spin in the Landy, its nice at that hour, only the foxes for company, the world looks post-apocalyptic, abandoned, empty, beautiful. I watch old comedies on youtube, play old music, its peaceful, so what are the answers, well, its appears quite quite simple, if you can wake up in the morning reasonably healthy, spend all day doing what you want to do, without anyone telling you what to do, sustain yourself financially, eat well, get some fresh air and exercise, and on the odd occasion, howl at the moon, well, I think that is pretty much it, for me anyway,
So where does God come into all this, well, he doesn't, sure, he exists, but not in the way that I feel is traditionally felt, the God that I believe in, was by my side when I drank myself into stupors, He was standing next to me when I was pronounced bankrupt, he was in the ambulance when I had my last heart attack, everything I have done, everything I have had pleasure in, and everything I found pain, he was there, next to me, suffering with me, taking pleasure with me, he suffered and enjoyed as I did, and now, as I am, he is at peace with me, I cannot explain my concept of God in any way other than that. I have never asked him for anything, but if I did, I know he would reply,. 'who am I to give you what you can give yourself', in moments of acute pain, I have been tempted to ask 'please take this pain away', but I know the reply would be 'who am I to take this pain away that you can take away yourself', in the past, when I have veered towards self destruction, he was there, undramatic, his words, always the same, 'everything is as it should be' such beautiful words,
Finally, some peace, finally, no shame, no guilt, and when I choose to howl, he is there, howling next to me, wow, what a God, what a guy!
It has now been 2 years since I have been in my fortress of solitude, with the windows taped up, and a complete lack of any social interaction, its been good, really good, I have learned a lot, strangely enough more about people than myself, looking back, even though even 2 years ago, I was rebellious in my attitude, it is only when you lock yourself away that you see just how much of your thinking, every day behaviour and general actions are geared towards the dictation of society. It was not until I blocked out all, or as many as I could, of societies influences that came to understand what was 'people' and what was me, in that sense, trying to find your own core, becomes quite easy, it is whatever is not tainted by society. I have no friends, no associates, no people round me, just mum and dad, who seem happy to allow me to find my own way, provided I am happy in myself, great guys, I {censored}ing love the shit out of them.
So I still drive an old Land Rover, I still dress in shorts and odd socks, and a t shirt, and I have an utter, utter lack of interest in anything that is happening in the world, my own world is very very small, I trade on line still, I wake up at 4, I work, I clean, I pack, I have a nap, I eat, I work again, I play loud music all day, sometimes in the very early hours, I will take a spin in the Landy, its nice at that hour, only the foxes for company, the world looks post-apocalyptic, abandoned, empty, beautiful. I watch old comedies on youtube, play old music, its peaceful, so what are the answers, well, its appears quite quite simple, if you can wake up in the morning reasonably healthy, spend all day doing what you want to do, without anyone telling you what to do, sustain yourself financially, eat well, get some fresh air and exercise, and on the odd occasion, howl at the moon, well, I think that is pretty much it, for me anyway,
So where does God come into all this, well, he doesn't, sure, he exists, but not in the way that I feel is traditionally felt, the God that I believe in, was by my side when I drank myself into stupors, He was standing next to me when I was pronounced bankrupt, he was in the ambulance when I had my last heart attack, everything I have done, everything I have had pleasure in, and everything I found pain, he was there, next to me, suffering with me, taking pleasure with me, he suffered and enjoyed as I did, and now, as I am, he is at peace with me, I cannot explain my concept of God in any way other than that. I have never asked him for anything, but if I did, I know he would reply,. 'who am I to give you what you can give yourself', in moments of acute pain, I have been tempted to ask 'please take this pain away', but I know the reply would be 'who am I to take this pain away that you can take away yourself', in the past, when I have veered towards self destruction, he was there, undramatic, his words, always the same, 'everything is as it should be' such beautiful words,
Finally, some peace, finally, no shame, no guilt, and when I choose to howl, he is there, howling next to me, wow, what a God, what a guy!
