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How many times?

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Writer SPNer Contributor

    Jan 31, 2011
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    Do you know how many times I have everything in the palm of my hand, all I had to do was just close my fingers, and make it mine, and every time just when my fingers are just about to close, everything slips away,

    There is no time left, between now and the potential slipping is a few months, and then the cycle begins all over again, boy meets girl, boy makes girl happy, boy leaves girl to find another unhappy girl, I leave a trail of very happy exes, all settled, all married, all with kids, I even got an invite to one of the weddings!

    I wonder if it will be Sians wedding invite I am reading one day, sitting in my bedsit, surrounded by mess and clutter, looking at a photo of another man playing with my dogs, bonding with my stepson, living the life I always wanted but could never live..

    No we are not that far through the looking glass, just at the start, peering in, contemplating which destiny to fulfill, the man or the beast, I have never lived as a man, I have fantasy about it, me, dressed in a sweater and cords, matching socks, paying all my bills sitting at my desk, with the dogs on the floor, and dinner in the oven (by me), maybe a walk in the park, a picnic, a drive to my parents, a tinker with my car, some DIY, maybe even a hobby!

    I can see him in my head, he looks like a great guy, someone you would recognise as a Sikh.

    I can see him, feel him, what stops me from being him? fear maybe, fear that in my heart I am not worthy of being him, that all I am is base and dark, yet, when I am connected there is no fear, on the rare times I have been him, the effect on other people is amazing, my parents, my brother, I see someting in their eyes that is not normally there, respect. And when then, I feel a fraud, the wolf just looks at me with his huge grin and chastises me for the false image I present the world, he mocks my slippers, if only they knew Harry, if only they really knew you, what you had done, and all in the name of payback, of return, of reward.

    I play this game with much amusement, I do not find it a hardship or a torture, I am asking questions, playing with concepts, trying to find Home, its better than being stuck still.........
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