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got you, you sob

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Writer SPNer Contributor

    Jan 31, 2011
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    the last two thieves, gone, the wolf is dead, deader than a very dead thing, dead, gone, it took extreme measures, but its gone now, its all over, my brain is now aligned with the truth, but its not enough, we can now add to our list of conquered thieves, lust, the need for intoxicants, gambling, the need to be proud, the need to be egoistical, although traces of both will always exist

    so what now, how do i feel, calm, although the fight is far from over, the fight? the fight for what? sanity? no, my insanity is dear to me, I am not fighting for sanity, for contentment? uhmm no, I am as content as I could be, and I would be just as content in the flames of hell, with no arms or legs, I now understand contentment, and even acceptence, no that is not the fight, the fight is that I am surrounded by lies, by untruths, although I am not perfect myself, I know lies, some seem not to, the whole word operates on lies, I cannot change that, but if you can change what is in front of you, its a start.

    I feel no fear, of anything, of death, of pain, it is not a struggle not to gawp at a pair of legs in a mini skirt, its god, in a mini skirt, why would i want to gawp at god in a mini skirt,

    There is a sadness, a slight sadness, I have left behind the world of wanting, of wishing, of obtaining, of having, what is there to do now but walk in hukam with as much grace as one can muster,

    I always knew it would end like this, even as a small child I knew, I knew normal life would elude me, would pass me by, I have another year to settle things, and then my friends, I intend to give myself to my parents, I just hope there is enough time, they are old, but not ill, as they cared for me when I was younger, so it is my heartfelt wish that I do the same as they reach a point where they cannot do for themselves what they need to do, that point is still quite a few years away, but I need to be ready for it, and after that, when everyone has gone, when only I am left, I guess as a final irony I could go and spend my final years in amsterdam and go out in a haze of sin, or more probably, find a small village in india, and be the local mad old man, making the children laugh, yes, I think that is probably what awaits me, a nice warm village somewhere in Punjab, maybe near an obscure gurdwara, for the first time in my life it sounds a million times more attractive than the fleshpots and cafes of dam,

    I have one final internal battle though, the need to be loved, I have just to win that, and then I think I am done with internal battles, then its time to embrace hukam with a big hug
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