For The Guys: Would You Marry A Girl Who Does Not Live With Her Family?

[Lenocht]

Hey guys! If you would answer, please let me know a little about yourself (aka heritage, are you punjabi, gora, etc.) This is mostly a qustion for the guys, but girls can answer too!

While everyone knows that there are many sexist issues in indian/punjabi families, no one really wants to talk about it. However, while talking to a friend, this question became stuck, and it would not leave.

My question is this: If a girl leaves her house to live separately, would you marry her, or treat her as one night stand material? Such as, does she lose all possible hope of respect?

Let me tell you how this comes about. Me and a friend were talking, about all the absolutely ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous things that we experience, as girls, in our own families (not even going into wider society). It borders on abuse. Sometimes it is. For some, it passes that. Oftern there is no choice but to leave. But she asked me, "Do you think we will still be able to get married if we move out?"
It breaks my heart every time I hear or think something like this.
I have seen the preferential treatment that boys get, within my own family and without. Why is it so horrible that a girl leaves, if only to save herself, without some pertinent excuse of school, work, or even military?
Are these girls doomed to bad matches and hearing things like "oh well, only a gora will marry you now, and you know they never stick around."

Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

edit: I know that during the partition (when girls and even old women were kidnapped nightly and raped, and there were men with enough honor to marry them)(which brings up the question of what is true honor?), and earlier times, if a girl spent any time out of the house it was fatal, but we're in the 21st century, not the fifth.

 

[Spades]

Hey guys! If you would answer, please let me know a little about yourself (aka heritage, are you punjabi, gora, etc.) This is mostly a qustion for the guys, but girls can answer too!

While everyone knows that there are many sexist issues in indian/punjabi families, no one really wants to talk about it. However, while talking to a friend, this question became stuck, and it would not leave.

My question is this: If a girl leaves her house to live seperately, would you marry her, or treat her as one night stand material? Such as, does she lose all possible hope of respect?

Let me tell you how this comes about. Me and a friend were talking, about all the absolutely ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous things that we experience, as girls, in our own families (not even going into wider society). It borders on abuse. Sometimes it is. For some, it passes that. Oftern there is no choice but to leave. But she asked me, "Do you think we will still be able to get married if we move out?"
It breaks my heart every time I hear or think something like this.
I have seen the preferential treatment that boys get, within my own family and without. Why is it so horrible that a girl leaves, if only to save herself, without some pertinent excuse of school, work, or even military?
Are these girls doomed to bad matches and hearing things like "oh well, only a gora will marry you now, and you know they never stick around."

Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

It wouldn't matter for me since there may be legitimate reasons (mental or physical abuse) or the person just may feel like being their own person which is none of my business.

However it isn't Punjabi men you should worry about but rather their parents. They are still stuck in the old ways and may not want it causing the marriage to go up in smoke before it even starts.

 

[Lenocht]

Yes, that is something else I was thinking of. Even if you do find such a person, chances are their family would sooner burn, and it can be very hard to go against your family.

And when I heard this question, it breaks my heart, because I have to wonder.

 

[stacia]

That's a great question and I think more like it should be put to the Indian community at large. It's a shame that Sikh philosophy teaches enlightenment and growth, that in order to achieve personal peace you need to change with the world so that the changing world around you doesn't cause you stress and anguish; yet so many Indian people seem to be stuck in an archaic mind set. I'm not saying that young people should go out and be wild, drinking and partying and sleeping around but, they should be allowed to live, think, act and BE independent. I'm sure that they would still be close to and respect their families. Perhaps even more so if they were allowed some personal space and were treated as adults and respected for WHO they are themselves.

 

[Lenocht]

That's a great question and I think more like it should be put to the Indian community at large. It's a shame that Sikh philosophy teaches enlightenment and growth, that in order to achieve personal peace you need to change with the world so that the changing world around you doesn't cause you stress and anguish; yet so many Indian people seem to be stuck in an archaic mind set. I'm not saying that young people should go out and be wild, drinking and partying and sleeping around but, they should be allowed to live, think, act and BE independent. I'm sure that they would still be close to and respect their families. Perhaps even more so if they were allowed some personal space and were treated as adults and respected for WHO they are themselves.

I don't even know what to say. That's how I feel.
Also that the older generations would sooner destroy their children than recognize them as being their own person. I am sad to say, but I see it too often.

 

[Lenocht]

Please don't be silent, tell us what you see.
Or do you think this should be all ignored and treated like the elders do?
Surely you would not choose to live like that...?

 

[Randip Singh]

Hey guys! If you would answer, please let me know a little about yourself (aka heritage, are you punjabi, gora, etc.) This is mostly a qustion for the guys, but girls can answer too!

While everyone knows that there are many sexist issues in indian/punjabi families, no one really wants to talk about it. However, while talking to a friend, this question became stuck, and it would not leave.

My question is this: If a girl leaves her house to live separately, would you marry her, or treat her as one night stand material? Such as, does she lose all possible hope of respect?

Let me tell you how this comes about. Me and a friend were talking, about all the absolutely ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous things that we experience, as girls, in our own families (not even going into wider society). It borders on abuse. Sometimes it is. For some, it passes that. Oftern there is no choice but to leave. But she asked me, "Do you think we will still be able to get married if we move out?"
It breaks my heart every time I hear or think something like this.
I have seen the preferential treatment that boys get, within my own family and without. Why is it so horrible that a girl leaves, if only to save herself, without some pertinent excuse of school, work, or even military?
Are these girls doomed to bad matches and hearing things like "oh well, only a gora will marry you now, and you know they never stick around."

Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

edit: I know that during the partition (when girls and even old women were kidnapped nightly and raped, and there were men with enough honor to marry them)(which brings up the question of what is true honor?), and earlier times, if a girl spent any time out of the house it was fatal, but we're in the 21st century, not the fifth.

I think you are painting a VERY unfair picture about Sikh families.

I am UK born and have children, and would want to protect my children until they were able to stand up on their own two feet.

Ask 99% of Sikh families they will say the same, be they girl or boy.

Abuse is very uncommon in Sikh families (I know this through research and friends I have in Social Services), and part of the reason why is the strong bonds of the extended family.

The extended family is breaking somewhat but nevertheless, the bonds are still stronger even for 3rd of 4th generations than they are for white/black counter parts (here in the UK).

If a girl does move away, to my experience it is not seen as a bad thing. People accept it is for work/career etc

Seeing what is happening around me in Society, where shabby role models of Madonna, Lady Gaga and promiscuous footballers exist, it is no wonder parents do not want their kids to move out before they are ready.

At 18 when I went away from home, I was so immature, but found people far more immature than me generally. I grew up fast, but that was namely due to the training and conditioning I had from family about the outside world.

Now going back to the question, would you marry a girl who does not live with her family?, well that depends on the individual. It has nothing to do with Sikhism, Punjabi-ism, but purely on the individuals.

 

[Lee]

Randip ji,

Come now sir, I think it obvious that Lenocht ji is speaking from personal experiance and that of some of her freinds, I did not notice anywhere her mention all Sikhs.

Lenocht ji,

It is always hard for me to reply to this kind of thread as Sikhs we are taught to live truthfully, yet some do not like hearing truth and when it comes to culture, it is very easy to upset cultural sensibiltes. However, yes this does seem to be an issue in Indian/Pakistani cultures, and one that rubs my own cultural sensibilties up the wrong way.

So what to do, what to advise? Where are you, how old are you?

Personaly speaking I met my wife when we where both teenagres, I was not Sikh then, but I moved her into my house(I was not living at home) when she was 17 and I was 20. Two years later we got married, about 9-10 years ago I converted to Sikhi(she did not), and just 2 weeks ago we celebrated our 20th wedding aniversary.

All of which puts paid to some of the generalisations you have heard and reported here. I am a white converted English, Londoner, Sikh, yet I have been maried to the same non Sikh woman for 20 years and simply cannot see that changeing until one of us dies.

People the whole world over are differant, I see no reason why a sikh woman not living at home could not enjoy the fruits of a loving, faithfull marriage, with gora, without gora, with Sikh without Sikh.

What we all belive has no bearing what-so-ever on the kinds of people we can like or love. Hah Hah although many may tell you that for a Sikh to marry a non Sikh expect problems. Well yes this is true, but only becuase all marriages will inveriably encounter problems.

Live you life and worry not what others think.