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day 5

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 17, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Writer SPNer Contributor

    Jan 31, 2011
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    still no sign of the howling, dozyness seems to be gone, provided you take the pill at night, am off rich food, although my sweet tooth has not diminished. have been up since 4.30, eventually getting into work at 5.30, 300 playing in the background, need to get a car sorted out this weekend, as Sian back to work on Monday, I can probably stretch to 4-500, scrap values are going down, so my current plan of buying a car and scrapping it after 3 months is not going to work, mind you, who knows what might happen today, having said that, the idea is to push on, I have fought hard to get out of the doodoo, and now all the bills are paid, no one is owed, its peaceful, nice, I am not about to ruin it just because a Land Rover catches my eye.

    Sian commented this morning that I am the most peaceful and calm she has ever known me, she stated she only ever knew 2 Harrys, howling harry, and not howling harry who wished he was howling and thought about it day and night, its true, I am starting to struggle to remember what howling is, I just know peace and calm, its a pity that I could not reach this point through the self, a huge pity, I feel like I have taken the easy way out, however, a thought has just chilled my soul, what if Sians depression is down to me, what if the constant howling and not howling, the cycle, what if that is the reason she is low, one minute we are financially ok, the next I plunge us into debt by taking my eye of the ball and howling, she has never said anything, maybe she is resigned to it, maybe love has blinded her, maybe the only life she thinks we will have is one of struggle, success, and then the plunge back into struggle again, it is true, since I have attempted to fight the howling, business has been better, money has been better, there is something to build on, day on day, rather than starting each day afresh because the howling has made the business lose ground.

    Its raining outside, so many times have I looked out on the rain, the grey skies, and thought, today is a good day to die, and some days, I have lived to that motto, a few days, I have nearly achieved that end, pushed it, as far as I could, bet your life on it, **** yeah, some days, I have watched the noose tighten round my neck, felt the icy hands of death on me, but always, always, there is a reprieve, and by the skin of my teeth, I live another day

    today is a good day to live

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