Well I know this is my first post here, but I was hoping to get some feedback on some issues. As strong as my faith in sikhi was growing up, I am finding it hard to maintain the same level of devotion to god through strictly faith. I've been through a lot in my life at the young age of 22, and have faced death many times, the latest leaving my facial bones and skull being literally broken almost everywhere. After this last encounter with death I thought my faith would be stronger than ever since i walked away with minor scarring and a couple of facial plate installations... but it isn't. I am currently in medical school (well not as of right now but returning in September) and throughout my life i have kept my hair and cut it 3 times, I feel this urge to discover sikhi but I can't come to terms with myself logically or scientificaly of this being "god" that sits back and watches us dance on stage and lets such cruelty go unpunished in our lives and than cares to judge us on our actions. I've read a lot of theories and the closest I can come to correlating sikhi to scientific proven data is: God is a being of energy that runs through all life, however is not conscious. To be forward I have not meditated in 3 years, and I drink heavily, my character is good but I have my share of bad habits and history. I feel this urge to learn and discover truth but the more i read sicentific theories and papers, the harder i find it to believe in a higher being that can let 200 000 ppl die in tsunami's, let evil men control the masses, stand back without intervention or direct solid evidence of his existence adn than judge us for a cycle of reincarnation. I knwo my post is all over the place but I'm on the verge of breaking here, my mind is split into two right now, the only thing keeping me to believe in this higher being, is when i did do simran it was a unique feeling of clairity, and this constant feeling of destiny. I have had this feeling that I am obligated to do something, a divine work of sort and everything around me is hinting at it and trying to guide me in the right path, but than there is so much driving me away... sorry if this post made no sense, I just needed to vent and get some of this down.