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Boyfriend changing religion

Discussion in 'Love & Marriage' started by nia0234, Aug 19, 2012.

  1. nia0234

    nia0234
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    Hi

    I am a Hindu girl, no Sikh. I have grown up in Europe and done my studies here. My boyfriend is a Punjabi and has proposed me many times for marriage. After finishing my bachelors I have agreed for marriage.

    All of a sudden he has turned into A Sikh\ Rishi and Vegan. I was shocked to see him with his beard. He said all the things you guys mentioned above.
    Moreover I feel deceived. My family would never accept the beard and turban.
    He has changed his name and finished his identity.
    I feel widowed and deceived. It makes me feel, he has killed the person I loved most with the bottom of my heart.

    The beard and turban and name have changed his identity. His love to God has sacrificed my love. I don't know how to describe the hurt.
    Am I wrong if I ask him to change to the man I met?
    His transformation have built lots of hatred in me. I simply don't know what to do.
    I wonder what is the use of such religion, if someone can sacrifice their family for it :(
     
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  3. kds1980

    kds1980 India
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution.

    So because he become religious you started hating him? This is the reason plenty of people say that inter religious marriages are not good.If in future 1 partner become religious or more orthodox in his/her religion then there will be lot of problems.What people don't understand is people do become more or less religious with time.You are not married tpo him so you have time to think whether you want to spend your life with a religious sikh? if not then next time find a boy from your own community
     
  4. nia0234

    nia0234
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution.


    To elaborate, firstly he was not born as Sikh. He belonged to a normal community and I did not chose a Sikh. Secondly I don't hate him but love him for the person he is and will always do. You should have read carefully. As I don't belong to a Sikh family, he will not be accepted as a Sikh with long kesh in my family. Moreover he has changed his identity and name, which makes me feel that I am with a stranger. Maybe it's difficult to explain what you feel like, if someone changes all of a sudden to the extreme. I personally don't believe in extreme religion. Religion are man made. What is the use of a religion if it makes the people forget their wives, children and family. To me God is one, no matter if I call him Bhagwan, Allah or God.
     
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  5. Inderjeet Kaur

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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    Nia0234 ji,

    You should thank God that this change occurred before you were married to him! No, he cannot return to the man he was before. "A mind, once expanded, can never return to its original dimensions." Even if he wanted to, he could not again be who he was. Even if he cut his hair, ate meat, stopped prayer and simran and called himself by some other name that you preferred, he would still not be the man you fell in love with. That man no longer exists.

    Try not to hate; it will destroy you and the rest of the world will keeping going on as it is. I know how difficult it is to pick yourself back up with a broken heart. I've been there myself. The dream you had of a happy life together has proven to be just that, a dream. Grieve that lost dream for a time. The hurt is real. Eventually, though, if you let it, your heart will mend. Your mind will also have expanded and you will be a different person. These are not empty words. I've been there. I know.

    In time, after the tears and when there has been healing (and there will be), you'll be able to see the truth and wisdom in the words of Theodore Geisel" "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

    You will be in my prayers as will be the young man.
     
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    #4 Inderjeet Kaur, Aug 20, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2012
  6. nia0234

    nia0234
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    Dear Inderjeet ji,

    Your words sound soothing. Maybe a female can understand another female better. I know he would never be the same. He says he has reached enlightment and God. I am superficial to him.
    I do still hope, maybe the power of love might return him to me. Sometimes the power of love is stronger than any fake illusion. One needs to believe in it.
    He never had meat, he was vegetarian and turned into vegan later.
    I sometimes think, whatever happens, happens for good. What if it happened after marriage. I would stand nowhere.
    He says the hairs are part of his body, like many Sikh man do. I only think, do hairs have nervs, soul? Does it hurt if I cut them? No, they are dead.
    Even if you trim them, they remain a part of your body, nobody is tearing them from their roots. When it comes to beard, many men think, its a symbol of menhood "shaan". If women ask them to cut it, their ego is hurt. I respect the man, the man I love, no matter if the beard is there or not. I might have reacted when I first discovered it. With time I also understood, everyone is different, preferences are different, so the priorities.
    I agree that I have hatred, hatred because he has turned into something extreme. It feels like his brain was washed. I hardly noticed Sikh men earlier. After the incident happened to me, I look at every man with a beard. I try to look at their real faces. Sometimes it feels I am turning insane. No matter what conclusion I draw, it seems useless :(.
    I just want his happiness no matter what he is.
     
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  7. Luckysingh

    Luckysingh United States
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    I can't imagine how broken that you may atually feel.
    But, you should be glad that this has happened in a way, it's a learning curve for both of you.

    I know that it seems like the man you knew has vanished, but believe me, he is still there but has transformed and progressed.
    You need to ask yourself, was you really in love, or you thought you were ??
    If you really were, then soon enough you will come to realise and love him for what he really is, wether he has a beard or not, regardless of how he looks.
    True love does NOT have boundaries, it shows it's true colours in time if something like this happens to dampen it.

    I get the impression that he still feels the love for you, but insists that you accept him the way he is. He feels that he has bettered himself, and you must understand and come to terms with it. This is also a chance for you to better yourself, in that sense it should make you feel priveleged and lucky to have this chance.
    I also feel, that with the question of both of you continuing, he has left the ball in your court. In this sense, he is prepared to sacrifice and let you go on your own way if that is your choice. To me, that sounds like more than true love because he is prepared for you to make the choice in dictating the relationship.
    You may even feel that he is being selfish because he is adamant about keeping his new sikhi look. He isn't being selfish as such, it's just that he is absolutley certain that this is for the better.
    -In my opinion, what better man would any woman want that can be so sure and confident about taking the right step. There are many men that come across as confident, but in reality they just follow the crowd and don't really have any true expectations!!

    Just have a think of how everything ''really'' stands a this stage!!
    Mistakes happen when we don't think wisely and jump to immediate reactive decisions.
     
  8. Inderjeet Kaur

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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    When a beautiful dream lies in shambles upon the ground around your feet, it is painful beyond description. Being sad, even depressed for a time is normal and helps in the healing. Don't rush yourself.

    i think it is impossible for anyone not a keshdhari Sikh to understand the relationship between the hair and the individual. My hairs are alive, each and every one. When they are no longer alive, they fall out. I love them and treat them with respect. i hope you do not consider me a brainwashed fanatic. I am just a simple Sih woman who loves her Guru with every fibre of her being. This young man seems to have had an encounter with the Divine. If so, that changes everything. He is a different person in all the ways that matter. It is not for me to say, but I think if he were thoroughly enlightened, he would be gentler with you and probably quite a bit more humble. The end result would still be the same.

    Let me tell you what happened to me. I am a Sikh and I married a Christian man. At that time, we both believed in the Creator, but weren't really into religion that much. He assured me that my being a Sikh wasn't a problem. About 2 years into our marriage, he began to become intolerant. Something was wrong with me because I didn't have Jesus in my heart, he kept saying. Without going into details, he persecuted me for being a Sikh for the next 20 years, until he died. From this, I learned two things: I am a Sikh and could never be anything else, and how easy it is for these interfaith marriages to lead to disaster.

    However much it hurts now, you are infinitely blessed that this occurred before the marriage. That you still care for his happiness, even if it's not with you tells me a lot about you. First, that your love for him is real and second, that you are a strong woman with a good heart. If you let it, this whole experience can strengthen you and help you grow into the woman you dream you could be. Then the whole world will be open to you...
     
  9. TigerStyleZ

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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    SSA ji,

    nia What do you mean by "normal " community what is normal in your eyes? Nothing is normal because everything changes! Nothing is "normal" in this sense... Fine that you did not choose a Sikh - and he did not choose such a superficial person?( Just an Example!!!) How about this? What do you mean by sacrificing family? You aren´t even married , whom he sacrificed? Try to see his point of view and not only yours - if time passes you will defiently change as well! There is no doubt - everything in world changes - what if he doesnt likes you anymore or starts "hateing you"? You feel deceived because something changed in your life? lol..!

    "Religion are man made. What is the use of a religion if it makes the people forget their wives, children and family "

    What do you mean by this sentence? You still dont have children and you still arent married!

    "I personally don't believe in extreme religion" So all Sikhs are extremists? Thanks -

    In my eyes, you are very shallow and this is my opinion you are more into looks than the person ! IF you were more into perosn you would try to understand their view points etc!


    "He says the hairs are part of his body, like many Sikh man do. I only think, do hairs have nervs, soul? Does it hurt if I cut them? No, they are dead."#
    Scientifical Sources?!?!?!? PLEASE GIVE THEM I WANT TO SEE! DNA is in hair even after it is cut away... please explain!
     
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  10. Kanwaljit Singh

    Kanwaljit Singh India
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    If hair are dead, why do they grow back when cut? You know there is a dead body of a priest in Goa whose hair is still growing? Yup the hair are still kicking while the heart is not! BTW Nia ji, why did you list yourself as a Sikh? :D
     
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  11. nia0234

    nia0234
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    Thanks Lucky Singh jee, I think you understood the problem without me elaborating it.
    Actually I feel extremely confused about him. He says he is a Rishi and not a Sikh and doesn't enter gurudwaras. On the other hand he has changed his name into a Sikh name to find potential matches. To me it sounds like a lie. The " Singh" never existed in his family, but now he has created it. I feel the Singh is a lie and the would be wife will have to live with this lie. I don't know if it is justified. :(
    Earlier he promised me it's a temporary phase, a journey which would go along with his meditation. With time he got more into it and wants to keep it. Well never mind, I think I have simply lost him. Even if I accept him the way he is and run away with him, what will I get? His religion will carry on after marriage, maybe get more intense and I might suffer from that. I feel unhappy about the sudden transformation. His parents agree with me but have to support him to some extent, as he is crazy enough to take some mad ( suicidal) actions :(.


    Dear Inderjeet ji,
    I do understand your pain too. I do absolutely admire Sikh women. I believe in their purity. I only have the problem with the men, who take their beard as their ego. I feel no religion should be forceful. One should follow it with happiness.
    Some people claim, like read above that the beard keeps inner organs cool.
    I was wondering, if this is the case, why do women not have a beard? The facial structure of men and women are same. Don't they need any cooling too? Or should I consider it as a privilege of God given to men only?
    On the other hand I think, why am I arguing or fighting, demoralizing people, nothing would change the man I love back to what he was :(
     
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  12. nia0234

    nia0234
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    hairs grow because they consist of cells, heart dies because no blood is pumped into the heart. It's no longer supplied with its nutrition. If a plant ( hair) is supplied by food ( minerals in body) they don't die. Even after cutting the hair, they remain same, may fade away after 3 years. I have done an experiment on that!
    It's dead cell.

    Further I did not register myself as Sikh. I didn't opt for any option while registering. I wanted to post here, so I had to register myself. The website puts anyone who wants to comment as Sikh, no matter if they are or not. Accordingly, it seems that this website is too religious and doesn't want non Sikh people to post here :). Well I don't mind if it shows me as Sikh or not. My true identity lives with me.


    PS: Look above, I wanted to post a friendly smiley, and the website transforms it into a smiling Sardar, funny enough :) :) :) here u have 3 more
     
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  13. Kanwaljit Singh

    Kanwaljit Singh India
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    Ah does he talk about 3HO, Kundilini Yoga, Yogi Bhajan ??? :D

    PS: Use : + D to get your non Sikh smiley. We have lot of non-Sikhs present here to have discussions on Sikhi and other paths to God. And yes we are really crazy about it too!
     
  14. nia0234

    nia0234
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    Dear Tiger Style jee,

    I feel silly enough to reply to your post, but still I would do!

    The DNA is a coding of numbers , it doesn't have any soul or it is not connected to any nerves. Maybe you never had bio at school! Sorry. We feel pain if nerves are involved. If someone hits you, u will say ouch because nerves are involved. Hairs don't have nerves and you would not say ouch, when they are cut. Hairs are part of the body ( cells) like nails ( dead cells).


    No matter if we were not married, I considered myself as his wife, the relation was pure and still is. Sorry if you never loved anyone till this extent in your life.

    regarding normal community, I cited the word " normal". It's not a word coined by me. Someone else mentioned it in a post above. To help: press Ctrl + F. I am sure you would find the post.
     
  15. Kanwaljit Singh

    Kanwaljit Singh India
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    We feel pain because it is an electric signal of nerves from the point where it was hit to your head. If your brain is taken out of the picture, there is no pain. Actually you are just one walking bio-chem reaction :D

    BTW I think I know why HAIR is GREAT! It works, grows, nutures itself freely from the brain, as a part of us, we creation, HAIR is something free from the grasp of mind! Sorry Nia ji, we are taking it a bit off topic :p But you didn't tell us if he talks about Kundalini Yoga, 3H0, maybe Nirmalas? Does he talk about taking Khande di Pahul, Amrit or keeping Kirpan?
     
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  16. nia0234

    nia0234
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    It's ok, I don't mind craziness. I am only against a religion, which makes people forget their own family. A religion, which makes people sacrifice in the name of God.
    To me God is nature. I see it daily in birds, trees, fields and many more. I see it in the creation. It's a strong feeling in which I believe, which protects me, helps me to concentrate and gives me happiness. I know things would be ok, I need to believe in it. No need to show it off. :sippingcoffeemunda:
     
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  17. nia0234

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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    lol, he talks about none of these, maybe yoga to some extent to keep fit. It's all about meditation he says. I think I would freak out even more, if he started contering me with even more of these things
     
  18. Kanwaljit Singh

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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    Hmm, I think he is not as much trying to be a Sikh as much as a 'Yogi' :D
    You are unnecessarily blaming Sikhi for it! We place importance in family living :D
    Just find out who his Yoga teacher is, could be a 3H0 or Kundalini practitioner!
     
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  19. TigerStyleZ

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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    How do you know that I never loved someone or had relation or something? What you think because I am 17 and a (proud)Sikh with Turban and BEARD I haven´t experienced any? I am not the person who shows everything off! And I don´t need to proof you something, but I can if I want too ;)

    You don´t even know what Sikhi is about you are just judging blind!

    "I feel silly enough to reply to your post, but still I would do!"
    You think you are something better than me?

    And if we talk about SCIENCE how can you bring in the word "Soul"?
    BTW: How do you know if I had Biology at school or not?

    I don´t see the point, if you can´t live with him like he is now - get rid of him - As some others already mentioned he wouldnt change. Be happy that you aren´t married or something

    "It's ok, I don't mind craziness. I am only against a religion, which makes people forget their own family. A religion, which makes people sacrifice in the name of God."

    I still don´t see any "Sikhi" issue here- how you bring Sikhi into it? You want to put Sikhi in a bad light? Your attitude is really anti-Sikh. Do some research about Sikhi! This sentence - really says you dont know what Sikhi is about!

    And mainly the only thing that really annoys you is his beard - You can read it yourself out of the posts!

    Furthermore I have a question for you - if God is Nature - Why this stupid God has given us hair? He must be very imperfect and dumb to give us such things. Why this "God" is bothering us with hair?

    Furthermore: I don´t see any qualified scientifal sources - this is just your "opinion".


    "Accordingly, it seems that this website is too religious and doesn't want non Sikh people to post here."

    Yes? Why the hell then you are here and can post? Have you even read the terms and someting I bet NO!
     
    #18 TigerStyleZ, Aug 20, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2012
  20. Luckysingh

    Luckysingh United States
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    nia0234

    What is a rishi ?, you say that he wasn't born into sikhism, then what was he born into ? Are you telling us that he has 'converted' to sikhism, and this maybe the problem, because you feel he has been led or brainwashed into a sect of some sort ??
     
  21. nia0234

    nia0234
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    Re: Why Don't Sikh Girls Want To Marry Sikh Guys? Solution!

    Dear Lucky Singh jee,

    He considers himself as a rishi ( old sant in India). He believes in rishi knot, from which the hair knot below turban is derived. I sometimes think, he is hiding under Sikh name and look to be accepted by society. I think no one would understand that he made some spiritual experience and started growing hair. He is no Yogi. However, it sounds funny enough to me if he says he is Rishi. He compares himself with Budha, who made a spiritual experience and started a new religion. To me it sounds all confusion without no proper stability in mind. He doesn't want to enter gurudwara, has a Sikh name, wears a turban has a long beard, but claims himself as Rishi. His father has been into RBS, some Sikh satsang..I think he doesn't follow it too but believes in gurus.
    I don't know, I felt I have to tackle him with affection now, the more aggression I show, the worse it gets.
    I know love is the key to all success, I think I will keep trying.
     
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