I am a Godfather to two young girls, they are the grandchildren of one of Sians friends. It was quite a sad story, but these two girls are now reaching for the sky, especially the elder. yesterday we went to see a show the eldest was in, it was a good show, and I found myself driving back with a car full of females all tired and happy. I did not enjoy the evening hugely, I kept getting flashbacks, thoughts, call it what you will, I looked around the theatre, around me proud parents beamed as they watched the show, inside my head the screaming had started, the howling, the sneering satisfaction of the animal, how dare you come here, it screeched, how dare you present yourself here as some sort of normal chap, spending an evening watching a childrens show, you fraud, you cheat, you don't belong here, among all this innocence. I have found the lack of the howling hugely refreshing, it freed me from the shackles of what is a good time, to what is an innocent time, the way of the wolf is simple, accept death, now, today, and life becomes a lucid dream, you can do whatever you want, be whoever you want, the payoff is the madness, the lack of any purpose, of any goal other than quenching the fires that burn within, it is draining, both mentally and physically, I woke up today to a silent world, with a raging temperature, both ears have now ceased, there is just a thumping pressure, and a ringing. The wolf does not perform well under illness, so I am back , I wish I could see that show again, feeling as I do now.