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Alcoholism & Lies

Discussion in 'Love & Marriage' started by Gurdeep81, Nov 19, 2012.

  1. Gurdeep81

    Gurdeep81
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    Hello

    What I am about to say will hurt many so I apologise in advance. You may curse me and insult as you wish, but please give me advice of how to move forwards. I will try to explain in a nutshell to get to the point and will answer any questions that arise.

    Many years ago, I gained bad habits i.e drugs, smoking & drinking. Drug and Smoking stopped but drinking became a severe habit whereas I had to go into rehab. For the last 5 years I had not drank alcohol but in the last 4 months I've fallen back into that habit. My fiance knows of my past but had accepted me as I had changed my ways. I considered myself lucky that I was marrying such a man (whose both parents are Amritdhari and one day wants the same and for his future wife and family) who accepts my faults. However, he too realised I was drinking again and tried to support me. In the end I tried to control it but he still caught me out and gave me an ultimatum that he will refuse to marry me if this behaviour continues.

    This weekend I lied again. But my lie constitutes me going to the Gurdwara and lying in front of Guru Granth Sahib Ji. I had a couple of glasses of wine @ lunchtime and my fiance smelt alcohol off me when he met me later that evening. I professed my innocence and he said to go Gurdwara and admit that I have not had a drink and that it is his imagination.

    I went. I lied.
     
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  3. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Bhenji

    Welcome to the forum, no one is here to judge you or hate you.

    Firstly congratulations on going for 5 years without a drink. I also used to be alcoholic, so I know how hard it can be.

    In my view something has happened in the last 4 months to make drinking appear attractive again.

    My past is considerably worse than yours, drugs, prison, etc etc , and I am now married to a wonderful woman who accepts me as I am, and my past. Actually that is not strictly true, we have never had a conversation about it, we met, I told her about me, she told me about her, we fell in love, and that was that.

    I hope your fiance does not make you feel he is doing you a huge favour by accepting you, as otherwise this will dog your marriage and come up at every argument or disagreement. True acceptance is just that, true.

    Forget the lying in front of the SGGS, you are not the only one to lie, but at least you are aware that you lied! Many stand in front and lie with no idea. Some even lie and think it is the truth, so in the big scheme of things, its not the hugest transgression in the world, you are in fact only lying to yourself.

    I also enjoy the odd beer and glass of wine myself, it does not make me an alcoholic, but with my wifes help, I am slowly cutting down, even though it causes me or her no problem whatsoever. I sense you are not drinking yourself to oblivion, but merely having a few glasses of wine here and there, and possibly cannot see what all the fuss is about, which is fair enough.

    Ok, now the nitty gritty, if your fiance does not constantly bring up the past, is genuinely trying to help you, and is a good man, then you have to ask yourself whether it is worth throwing all that away for a few social drinks. My wife is White, english, unable to have children, divorced, so is not the best catch from a community point of view, because of this, and my past, I have no involvement in gatherings or celebrations, (although for some reason I get to go to funerals!), this is no big deal for me, as I am anti social at the best of times, as is the wife. However, if the community, family, gatherings (not just funerals), are important to you, as is having kids with someone from your own culture, then you need to make a choice.

    Its a no brainer really, give up the drink, get married, have kids, take Amrit, enlighten yourself, and breathe a huge sigh of relief that you survived that time intact and with people around you that care and love for you.

    However, if what you want is not that, then you need to be honest with yourself, your family, and your fiance.

    Lying is never a good thing, you are Sikh, whatever you are be proud of yourself, and not duck and dive like a nobody.

    Hope that helps
     
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  4. Gurdeep81

    Gurdeep81
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    Thanks Harry Veer ji

    I too am a divorcee and meeting my fiance he has shown me a new lease of life. My dad does not talk to me (lost my mum when I was only 4) and therefore am out of the family circle. I took to alcohol and intoxicants to deal with issues in life.

    So family have never been there for me but the last 5 years listening to Bani, going AA meeting and being truthful was helping me. However, a few issues with my work and health just made me want to drink recently. My fiance does think he is my saviour at times. But then he is more of a Sikh than I am. He doesn't drink and has more faith that is why he suggested me going to the Gurdwara to "prove" my innocence. What kills me with guilt is that I lied infront of Guru ji just to save my face in front of my fiance.
     
  5. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Bhenji

    Guruji is not something outside that we lie to verbally, when you were drinking at lunchtime, you were lying to yourself, and thus to Guruji, as he lives inside you. The spoken word in front of SGGS is irrelevant, it is the lying in your head you need to deal with.

    Being a better Sikh is not dependent on how big your faith is, how big your khacha is, how much you do or do not drink. It is how you treat others around you, how you think, and you you treat yourself. If drinking has caused you problems in the past, it will probably always be there to cause problems in the future, as a crutch, as an aid to forget, to get blotto, to escape.

    Before we go any further, what are your thoughts on drinking at this precise moment?
     
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  6. Kanwaljit Singh

    Kanwaljit Singh India
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    I have lied too in recent past. And it was a sad feeling. It will hang with me until I confess or get over with it. You are lying to your fiancé in presence of Guru Sahib. I assume Guru Sahib is very dear to him, and perhaps to you. Now let us face the facts. You are LOSING your CREDIBILITY sister. He may have taken you to Gurudwara to make you feel guilty. It is a bit stupid on his part for I am sure he knows you have been drinking, not just because of your breath, but the way you talk and walk. How long can you lie to him in his face when he most probably knows you are drunk? With each lie, you are shredding a part of the Trust you have. And there is no marriage without Trust.

    Was that life without drinking bad? Was it not something you would like to preserve for the rest of your life? Why do you want to mess the big picture of your life? I am sorry you have work and health related problems. Drinking will add to your health problems. And apart from that, the stress of hiding a lie would be too much. You have been trying to reach a delicate balance. I would advise you against going to pubs or bars. If you need to go, go only with your fiancé. We hope you don't make some wrong choices now such that later in life, you always look back at this time and wished that you didn't mess things up. Take control!
     
  7. BlazinSikh

    BlazinSikh
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    WJKK WJKF

    Gurdeep81 Ji, I am not an expert in being an alcoholic (forgive me if i sound offensive), but everyone born sooner or later gains a bad habit, it is not something we want to do, but just happens due to the time and society we live in. The only thing we can do is seek for help, and use our mistakes to help teach and educate others. So please do not think your the only one with a bad habit, i bet nearly everyone here on SPN has/had atleast one bad habit. Me, i'm a porn addict (I've seen it all...and i mean all) it is not something i wanted to do, but hey thank's to this corrupted, blinded society, i just got sucked into it. But thank to Waheguru ji i am going on the right path of life, even though it is difficult (due to society and all), but hey just keep your mind on to Waheguru ji, and try and find something to help you get over this obsession. Substiute alcohol for a good cup of tea, or a nice cold non-alcoholic drink. Or ask your fiancé if you could live with him or he could live with you to help control you.

    Sorry if my advice was not helpful, i do have a lack of knowledge in these things.

    GOD bless you.

    WJKK WJKF
     
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  8. Scarlet Pimpernel

    Scarlet Pimpernel
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    I must confess sometimes I pick my nose and I lie about it to myself,I would like to be a Professor of Porn like Blazin or a Secret Lemonade drinker like Gurdeep but I don't have time as I have quite a big nose!

    “We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer." Bonhoeffer
     
    #7 Scarlet Pimpernel, Nov 19, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2012
  9. BlazinSikh

    BlazinSikh
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    Scarlet Pimpernel Ji, i do not know if i should take at as an offence or a compliment, so i will accept it as both :singhsippingcoffee:
     
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  10. Scarlet Pimpernel

    Scarlet Pimpernel
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    Veera no offence meant,sometimes I lie to myself so as to convince myself that I'm funny . I swear to God to stop swearing to God.
     
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    #9 Scarlet Pimpernel, Nov 19, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2012
  11. Inderjeet Kaur

    Inderjeet Kaur
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    Dearest Gurdeep 81 ji,

    I assure you that I have done all that you have done and worse. Guru ji is loving and forgiving and actually understands you. That you are ashamed and regretful is good, but don't let it consume you.

    I know how insidious alcohol can be. I buried my husband - he was not Sikh and wanted a burial - who drank himself to death. Nothing and no one could stop him. He was afraid of death, but he was more afraid of not drinking. You have not reached that point, but it could happen. Please be very careful.

    I wonder at a man who would put you in a position of lying to Sri Guru Granth Sahib ji. That does not seem like a loving thing to do. He had to know what he was doing.

    What Harry ji said impressed me. It is true.

     
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