Help Please! Trapped between My In-law's Beliefs and Mine

Guru di beti · #1 (**permalink**) 14-Oct-2009, 23:12 PM

how do you change this trend? my nephews (age 10 & 14) put up an argument with me in terms of religion. Their ability to convince their parents about cutting hair was absolutely shocking. the kids argued that it is more important to be close to God by heart, and mind, not physical appearance. its between them and God whatever action they take. they feel that putting a turban on was for identification back in the day when it was hard to tell who was muslim and hindu. it was to save the victims of riots! what do they need that now, in todays time. their hearts should be clean, pure, their mind should be with God, .. Physical appearance is not the true meaning of Sikhism, Sikhism mean being a good human, close to God internally!
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/questions-and-answers/27067-trapped-between-my-laws-beliefs-mine.html
when our kids can defend their actions with the paragraph above, how can you convince them to keep the kes? I, now have been blessed with a beautiful boy a month ago, and I am married into a Jatt family who doesn't keep kes, who aren't religious. I am from a family of turban males, and long kes of ladies. no one in our family has ever trimmed. we have Sri Guru Granth sahib ji living with us. (we arent fully religious either, we do eat meat and party, but we also give our identification and Patth our full attention as part of our daily life). Now that I have a son, I wonder how I will keep his hair. his father cuts his hair, and I have repeatedly asked him to think about putting a kes on, so we can start our child on the right path. he says its too hard for him, since no one in his family has ever kept a turban. he feels like he wont look attractive. (i personally find well groomed sardars very attractive). but how do i convince my husband to keep it? He is not fully ok with the idea of our son keeping hair aswell. I was saying that we will show him what our religion has taught us, and when he can make a decision on his own, then he can decide whether to keep it or not. My husband feels different. He feels that our son will not keep it since no one in the family keeps it. how do i convince my husband, nephews to keep it, and how will i control my son in the future to keep it when they put up an argument of pure heart compare to physical looks?
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067

One more thing. My grandmother in law believes in this weird black magic . she says in order to prevent black magic n my son, I must keep my sons first clothes, his umbilical cord from his belly button, and cut few hair and keep it safe. This way, no one can do black magic, and if they do, we can ask someone in their pind to reverse it. Now I am very against these ridicules superstition stuff. I mean, Our Gurus have banned these beliefs, we as a sikh should not believe in these things. FINE< if I agree to do these things for sake of her belief because she is old and to give respect I do what she says, My thought of taking his sikhi away when he is ONLY a month old (cutting a bit of his hair) frightens me. I don’t want take this away from him when he just entered this beautiful world. I did say no to them, but I know she is very scared that something is going to happen to him. I have told her that because we believe in our Gurus and God, nothing will happen to him, but I feel like I can’t get through her. And everyone in the house is very upset at me. Especially when all the bibiyan get together, they tell me I should do those things. How do I keep her happy and not cut my baby’s hair! I live with my inlaws, and its getting between us. Its an issue now! I am from delhi, and we and our family don’t believe in black magic and curses. We only believe that Our gurus and god will protect us from all evil.

Please help!

harbansj24 · #2 (**permalink**) 15-Oct-2009, 00:11 AM

Guru di beti ji,

Yours is a difficult situation. But millions of women do find themselves in such difficult circumstances where they are forced to make a choice. Of coarse a lawyer will tell you that as a mother you have certain rights and you can demand and exercise them. But we are not looking at that type of solution.

So maybe you can patiently, continuously and gently explain to them your rationale and then you can become more and more firm. Maybe with Guru's kripa and seeing your determination, they may relent. Even if then they do not agree then you may assert your maternal right and live separately with your son for some time. But this depends entirely on how exactly you are placed emotionally and financially.

These are just some alternatives that outsiders can suggest. You will have to decide your own coarse of action with Guru's kripa.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067

Guru fateh and Chardiakalan.

Guru di beti · #3 (**permalink**) 15-Oct-2009, 01:54 AM

thank you Harbanjs24

But my conscience wont allow me to take such step against my in laws. They are wonderful people but with different belief. I guess, that’s why they say to marry someone from your own social standards. I had a love marriage, and at that point, didn’t realize that once we have a kid, our upbringing with our own beliefs will conflict with one another.

But why is it that people (majority) from pinds (villages) are not aware of Sikhism , the true meaning of Sikhism. Why is it that most of them are without turbans. Why do they believe in different saints and babas! They will take some saints name before Wahegurus? It really bothers me…I was brought up believing in Guru jies and Guru Granth sahib ji, no one else. Don’t get me wrong, I am not religious myself, just to rebel against my parents to marry my husband, I cut my hair off (biggest mistake of my life, I stopped after I got my point across to my parents). I eat meat, I don’t follow the 5 k’s, except KES now. But I still love my Guru and their teaching. I guess I am big on turbans cuz I am from a family of all turbans. We are a bit different. People point fingers at me saying that because I speak “hindi” and my family is from delhi so i shouldnt call myself Punjabi sikh! Because I’m not amritchehk, I am not a proper sikh either. I guess they r right, I don’t know whats right or wrong, I just know that people should do as they please when it comes to religion and God, and try not to impose their beliefs on others. In terms of my husband and I, we have to come to an understanding in how we are going to raise our child.. with turban and sikh values or, without a turban and their pind values. ??? hard ! really hard choice!!!
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067

I was born and brought up in Canada, so I am not totally educated on Sikhism… just what my parents has taught me…

thank you, i just needed to vent, so i did! thank you for listening!

Gyani Jarnail Singh · #4 (**permalink**) 15-Oct-2009, 09:31 AM

sometimes all a person needs..is a sympathetic ear..to be reassured that whatever he/she is doing is RIGHT.
In this case all of us here on SPN say forthrightly that you are RIGHT Ji. Sikhi is not for compromise or for sale. Gentle persuasion and a show of strength in Gurbani and Gurmatt will turn them around.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067
I have had a very very personal experience of this nature...and I am shocked that such "darkness" can actually EXIST in a house full to the BRIM with Gurbani/Gurmatt/Education of the highest level..its like finding a dark patch/shadow right under a BRIGHT SUN !! Impossible BUT TRUE..I have seen such a shadow under the Bright Sun..and i still cant beleive it..
SO yes Guru De Beti Jio..be the tower of strength your son needs you to be..Guru sahaii hovega. Battles are never easy..struggles are always difficult..BUT perseverence always wins...something as soft as water can make holes in stones. Keep in Chardeekalla always..

Sikh royalist · #5 (**permalink**) 23-Oct-2009, 20:54 PM

rather than making your son a good sardar make him a good human and a Sikh i find ur in laws like typical jatt families who don't care much abt hairs.
when you fell into love with a mona you must have found him to be a good person you can raise your son to that level.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067
although religion is molded into traditions but some parts of the traditions remain in ones life.
i find khatris more sticking to the hairs i have hardly seen a khatri who even cuts his beard and have heard that one who doesn't keeps hairs in not easily married in katris and in jats the opposite is happening.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067

actually i had a hair cut for the first time when i was only four and a half year old i seriously had no intension to attract small kindergarten girls:p but the problem was that i was never told the importance of hairs and was having them for no reason from my side.so better than making your son a sardar for no reason raise him as a damn good sikh.

Lee · #6 (**permalink**) 23-Oct-2009, 21:13 PM

Yes I agree with Sikh Royal. At some point in time your children will develop their own personalites which latter become belifes and ideals. Exactly what beliefes and ideasl and principles they hold you can of course help guide but ultimatly it will be their own choice.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067

So first teach them to be good people, every thing else springs from this.
As an aditional question, may I ask, how important is it to you that your children are Sikh? Would you love them any less if they decided upon Christianity instead, or even Atheism?

kds1980 · #7 (**permalink**) 23-Oct-2009, 21:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sikh royalist

rather than making your son a good sardar make him a good human and a Sikh i find ur in laws like typical jatt families who don't care much abt hairs.
when you fell into love with a mona you must have found him to be a good person you can raise your son to that level.
although religion is molded into traditions but some parts of the traditions remain in ones life.
i find khatris more sticking to the hairs i have hardly seen a khatri who even cuts his beard and have heard that one who doesn't keeps hairs in not easily married in katris and in jats the opposite is happening.

actually i had a hair cut for the first time when i was only four and a half year old i seriously had no intension to attract small kindergarten girls:p but the problem was that i was never told the importance of hairs and was having them for no reason from my side.so better than making your son a sardar for no reason raise him as a damn good sikh.

I don't understand your point.The question here is not whether she should raise her son as good human being or not.The question is she want to raise him as sardar and she has full right to do it as she is the mother.Why should she cut the hair of her son when she does not want to do?

Sikh royalist · #8 (**permalink**) 23-Oct-2009, 22:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kanwardeep Singh

I don't understand your point.The question here is not whether she should raise her son as good human being or not.The question is she want to raise him as sardar and she has full right to do it as she is the mother.Why should she cut the hair of her son when she does not want to do?

buddy i have said what i wanted to i am sorry if i couldn't make my point clear to you.

BhagatSingh · #9 (**permalink**) 23-Oct-2009, 22:29 PM

If a few hairs will keep your mother in law happy, why not? She's old and will die soon anyway.

Or you could get your husband to give you some of his hair

Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067
OR Say you lost his first clothes and the cord ...so there's no need to cut the hair because the spell or whatever won't work!!!

Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=27067

Convincing your in-laws is going to be next to impossible! Don't bother, just move on.