Questions about Meeting a Sikh Guy

Akasha · #1 (**permalink**) 04-Aug-2012, 09:40 AM

I'm a white Canadian girl who recently started going to Gurdwara (though I have been doing much reading and wanting to follow Sikhism for about 10 years - I know this is the path I want, so the question is not about 'waiting to see if this is what I want')

I met a guy online... he is Punjabi descent but was born and raised and lived his whole life in Britain. He now lives in Canada... on the opposite side of the country from me (I am on the East Coast he is on the West Coast).

We first sent messages back and forth online and that progressed to SMS and finally talking on the phone. Both of us really want to meet and he has told me he feels like something may be there worth exploring and life is too short... he is coming to the East Cost to meet me... and I really want to meet him! He knows I am white (obviously) and that I am fairly new to Sikhi.

Now here is what I am concerned about:

1. He is obviously shelling out a significant airfare to come see me. What if he meets me and he just isn't attracted to me like he thinks he is? I have told him in email already that obviously we are meeting to see if we are compatible, but I would feel very bad if it didn't work out that way... and he assured me that the worst thing that would happen is he gets to see the East Coast and we become good mates.

2. He is 'separated' - I know in Sikhism that divorce is not usually an option, but also that in certain circumstances where there just is no chance of reconciliation that permission can be granted for divorce and remarrying. He told me his Mother is VERY devout religious... and he confided in me that she told him she wants him to be happy... and he emphasized that is a huge thing for her to say (meaning there must not be any chance that they can reconcile). In fact, he moved from the UK to Canada to 'start over'
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/love-and-marriage/38883-questions-about-meeting-a-sikh-guy.html
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38883

3. Would his Mother ever accept a 'white' Sikh?

I have good feelings about this man, and he seems like a kind and genuine person. And I do want to find a Sikh guy to settle down with. Since the local Sikh community is not large, my only option is to meet someone online and take it from there... I just want to be sure that I am not getting myself into a bad situation.

Gyani Jarnail Singh · #2 (**permalink**) 04-Aug-2012, 12:19 PM

MEET HIM. Rest comes later....Dont feel "guilty" about the air fare..no pain no gain...its just a fact of life....

harry haller · #3 (**permalink**) 04-Aug-2012, 13:51 PM

Akashaji

Quote:

I met a guy online... he is Punjabi descent but was born and raised and lived his whole life in Britain. He now lives in Canada... on the opposite side of the country from me (I am on the East Coast he is on the West Coast).

Luckyji, is there anything you wish to tell us?

Quote:

1. He is obviously shelling out a significant airfare to come see me. What if he meets me and he just isn't attracted to me like he thinks he is? I have told him in email already that obviously we are meeting to see if we are compatible, but I would feel very bad if it didn't work out that way... and he assured me that the worst thing that would happen is he gets to see the East Coast and we become good mates.

I don't know if anyone remembers compuserve, but it was through this I met my first wife. We spoke online for 6 months before meeting in the US. The only advice I would give you is that a true relationship develops in true circumstances. It is why holiday romances fail in real life. The circumstances that you have met under mean that you are both pretty much on your best behaviour all the time, so allow for that. Hopefully, when you meet, everything will just fall into place, and the physical meeting compliments the online meetings you have had. As Gyaniji says, forget about the money, and the what ifs, if it turns out you are like two peas in a pod, then you have something that is beyond value, and if not, then you have made a good friend. I am not sure what you are doing about the practical side, is he staying at yours, or at a hotel? A hotel would be a better idea, neutral ground, and if he turns out to be a drug crazed sex addict, you can always leave. (Although some drug crazed sex addicts do grow up, into reasonable people sometimes

). Try not to let him pay for everything, so that you are both equals.

Quote:

2. He is 'separated' - I know in Sikhism that divorce is not usually an option, but also that in certain circumstances where there just is no chance of reconciliation that permission can be granted for divorce and remarrying. He told me his Mother is VERY devout religious... and he confided in me that she told him she wants him to be happy... and he emphasized that is a huge thing for her to say (meaning there must not be any chance that they can reconcile). In fact, he moved from the UK to Canada to 'start over'

Divorce is very much an option, there is no problem with this in Sikhism. I am sure his mother is more interested in his happiness than being 'religious'.

Quote:

3. Would his Mother ever accept a 'white' Sikh?

Over the years, I have brought several women home to meet mum. The first time, it was quite intimidating, you'll have to do this, and you'll have to do that, in fact, I bought a punjabi suit for her to wear. She would have to convert, grow her hair, etc etc

By the time I brought the second one, conversion was not really an issue, but long hair was.

By the time I brought the last and sixth one home, neither of my parents could have cared less about the religious aspect, they just wanted me to be happy. If his mother has already watched her son get married to the 'right girl' in 'the right way', and it has gone bad, I think she is by now more concerned about his happiness than whether the girl ticks all the boxes (like the last one!)

I hope you have a wonderful time, I hope he is everything he has intimated he is, I hope you both fall deeply in love and have 20 kids

Good Luck!

cheerleader

itsmaneet · #4 (**permalink**) 04-Aug-2012, 15:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Akasha

I'm a white Canadian girl who recently started going to Gurdwara (though I have been doing much reading and wanting to follow Sikhism for about 10 years - I know this is the path I want, so the question is not about 'waiting to see if this is what I want')

I met a guy online... he is Punjabi descent but was born and raised and lived his whole life in Britain. He now lives in Canada... on the opposite side of the country from me (I am on the East Coast he is on the West Coast).

We first sent messages back and forth online and that progressed to SMS and finally talking on the phone. Both of us really want to meet and he has told me he feels like something may be there worth exploring and life is too short... he is coming to the East Cost to meet me... and I really want to meet him! He knows I am white (obviously) and that I am fairly new to Sikhi.

Now here is what I am concerned about:

1. He is obviously shelling out a significant airfare to come see me. What if he meets me and he just isn't attracted to me like he thinks he is? I have told him in email already that obviously we are meeting to see if we are compatible, but I would feel very bad if it didn't work out that way... and he assured me that the worst thing that would happen is he gets to see the East Coast and we become good mates.

2. He is 'separated' - I know in Sikhism that divorce is not usually an option, but also that in certain circumstances where there just is no chance of reconciliation that permission can be granted for divorce and remarrying. He told me his Mother is VERY devout religious... and he confided in me that she told him she wants him to be happy... and he emphasized that is a huge thing for her to say (meaning there must not be any chance that they can reconcile). In fact, he moved from the UK to Canada to 'start over'

3. Would his Mother ever accept a 'white' Sikh?

I have good feelings about this man, and he seems like a kind and genuine person. And I do want to find a Sikh guy to settle down with. Since the local Sikh community is not large, my only option is to meet someone online and take it from there... I just want to be sure that I am not getting myself into a bad situation.

"Colour" never decisive factor in Sikhi. If you are a Sikh, you are a Sikh doen't matter your colour is white, black blue, green or any .....

Akasha · #5 (**permalink**) 05-Aug-2012, 06:18 AM

Thanks for the replies everyone!

He is turban wearing and keeps his beard. I however, can not grow my hair out just yet (safety reasons for the career I am in - I sail on submarines and need to be able to get into firefighting gear / breathing masks like 10 seconds ago if there is an incident on board - and we practice a lot too. Every training exercise, I lose clumps of hair as it is trying to pry loose my hair from the tightening clasps on the masks - and my hair is shoulder length right now. Any longer and I can't imagine trying to untangle myself

) I have 4 years left in my Navy career and then plan to grow out my hair and even wear a turban then as I plan to take Amrit someday when my career is done. I am hoping that he understands that... I don't shave anymore though.... have not in a long while, though I am not very hairy to begin with. haha
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38883
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38883

I also have a tattoo from when I was younger... I have not told him about it... its nothing derogatory or anything but its visible especially in salwar kameez because its on my upper back in the middle and kameez are cut lower in the back usually. I am hoping he is ok with this. I do plan on getting it lasered when I can find the extra cash to do it. (stupid things we do when younger) For that matter, I hope the sangat still accepts me still once they see I have a tattoo.... it shows through the chunni cloth...

So I told him I am human.... and most definitely not perfect. I'm just a regular girl who found Sikhism later in life. He was fortunate to have been born into it. I hope he accepts me for who I am and that who I am now is not who I was when I was younger and that I fully accept Sikhism and want to lead the Sikhi way of life now.

As for the details of where he will stay when here... he asked me to ask the Sikh community here if anyone has a room to let... he will pay his way. If nobody does, then he will stay at a hotel. I will be working all day during the week so he will have the days to explore the city on his own and we can get together on the evenings.

I am really excited to meet him! kudihug He looks cute, he has amazing eyes in his photo!!! I'll try not to worry as much about the small stuff...

Luckysingh · #6 (**permalink**) 05-Aug-2012, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by harry haller

Luckyji, is there anything you wish to tell us?

I didn't quite get it at first, but that's real funny...hey, hey..ha.!!

It's a small world, here is someone from UK and now over on the West coast of Canada.. just like me!!!!
Looks like immigration may have got easier after I left UK!!!
Well I hate to tell you all, it is not me as my days of multi dating and having multiple relationships all over the country are long gone!!
I'm not separated..( I hope, she's not back yet!!) and very happily settled with young kids.

Akashaji, I'm sure you will be fine and just see what happens. Don't start worrying unnecessarily, as you need to see if you are compatible.
My only advice to anyone would be to just be yourself, play it by ear and then see what the outcome may be. If anything does not happen, or there is no spark and you are not compatible, then consider that the ''norm'' in other words 'expect' this to happen. Therefore, if anything happens beyond that, then that's a BONUS!!!
This is probably the best attitude to have beforehand that stops anyone getting hurt or miserable!!

I'm certain that his family will not have any issue for the same reasons Harry ji mentioned above, about your being white.
Infact, most of us punjabis, when we meet or come across a white sikh, realise how lucky we really are to be born into a punjabi family and the white persons pure effort makes us feel priveleged in a way. - I cannot see how it could ever have a negative impact.

I think your very lucky anyway that you have actually put religion first instead of factors like location and occupation etc..etc...
I don't think that I could have ever done that, as most people look to see social compatability instead of spiritual compatability.
I'm just very lucky that my wife turned out to be spiritualy inclined like me, it's not something that ever came up when we were dating!!

Gyani Jarnail Singh · #7 (**permalink**) 05-Aug-2012, 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luckysingh

I didn't quite get it at first, but that's real funny...hey, hey..ha.!!

Lucky Ji,

By now you should know that Harry Ji is Harry Ji..one and only...
The moment i begin reading his each and every post..i pay "attention"...because not all is what it seems to be...hey ha ha so i got it the moment i saw that line and thought to myself...does Harry Ji really know something i "dont" or...hes developed a Fourth Eye ( i know he has three already) ahead of myself ?? Hey ha ha...

sukhdev singh grewal · #8 (**permalink**) 07-Oct-2012, 03:44 AM

dear sister when have u any doubt about anything sit silently close your eyes and pray to the GOD and which is generates operate and destroy and concentrate believe me you will get your true answer within no time